Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

November 8

I need to rehash dates.

Big dates are:
  • October 31 - horrible diagnosis day, seeing that ultrasound absent of amniotic fluid, doctor after doctor gently speaking until one says "incompatible with life"
  • November 8 - delivery date, it was a Thursday at 10:35 pm
  • March 28 - estimated due date

I plan to take these days off work until further notice. They have primarily landed on weekends so far.

Minor dates include:
  • August 12, 2007 - last day I did not constantly think about Toren, the last day of not worrying about that precious soul
  • August 13, 2007 - positive pregnancy test revealed that Toren existed
October 31 is so important because that was the day he was lost in a sense. That was the day when I turned into one of those people who only exist in distant tales of misfortune and heartache. March 28 is important as it is the only day I can cling to and consider how under very different, or normal, circumstances Toren would have been out of the womb and enjoying the world. The estimated date of delivery is just a marker, it doesn't really belong to him, but it has become important because it could have been his birthday. I didn't get to make enough memories with Toren - I need his due date.

November 8 is kind of a weird date. The shock that he would die had already been revealed. October 31 started the horrid time of waiting to enter the hospital, frantically researching labor and delivery of a fetus, entering the hospital, day 1, day 2, day 3, and he was delivered. Not really a birthday. I think it was the day he died but he could have died the day before.

Delivering your dead fetus is a really crappy situation, but there was a huge sense of relief to have it over. No more dreading the hospital stay, no more fearing what a tiny fetus will look like, no more contractions and cramps.

October 31 and March 28 hold my anger, horror, and sorrow that the world can be so cruel. These are important days that I both need and hate.

November 8 is Toren's day. It's the day I felt a type of love that I could have never imagined. I saw him and LOVED HIM! There in my hands was a unique individual who cannot be duplicated. A tiny person made through love. A little carbon copy of his father. My heart and entire being flooded over with love. I thought I would deliver and then cry and cry over his body but there was no room for tears that night - sorrow for sure, but more wonderment, love, and joy from seeing him.

The next day there was plenty of crying. Rocking his cold body, playing mom, saying all I could think of to tell him before releasing his body for the last time and leaving it behind.

It's hard to make sense of the duality of so much sadness and that powerful positive feeling (which by the way, I think happens without seeing your baby, that's just the precise moment when I felt it). But if I'm going to recognize the bad dates and rage against the universe for this experience, then I need to, GET TO, remember my son's date of delivery with thanks that I felt that level of love, even if the object of my love had died.

My camera is not capable of taking a good photo of the necklace made by Barbara but I wanted to show it to you. It is SO BEAUTIFUL in real life. "TOREN" is stamped on one side, and the opposite side says "NOV 8 2007".


Barbara said...

Oh I'm SO glad you like it! It means a great deal to me to know that it gives you some comfort.

And I can so relate to the sense of love and wonderment and sadness and horror all rolled into one. You will get to the love, in the end it's all that matters.

Thinking of you.


Meg said...

What a beautiful necklace. I'm glad you have that.

Anonymous said...

Toren is such a beautiful name! Your sweet son is in heaven, with my daughter, Audrey, and I can tell you this for sure! I cannot explain why, I just know. I also know that Toren loves you so so very very much! For all the losing love that you feel you have done, try to stay focused on the immense love you have gained! (I know that helps me!) Toren loves you, his Mama, so much and he is free and safe and happy in heaven and he is at peace that you two will be together again. You, me, we just have to be patient and try to cram a little bit of joy in our hearts each day so we can survive until we get to hold them again! Your son came to you knowing that he would take hold of your spirit and then float up to heaven where he now PROUDLY flutters around as your guardian angel! You my dear, have your very own guardian angel who loves you more than all the love in the world! You have gained the love that matters! Toren wants you to love you too! Your husband, unfortunately is focused on his fear more than his love, but there is nothing you can do to change that, so don't let him bring you down. I can just hear Toren now telling you "Mama, feel my love and have peace!" Take care of yourself and do loving things for yourself, even though I know all too well how hard that is... it will help you get through the days until you can be together again! My thoughts, prayers and love are with you Toren's Mom! Love Danielle, Audrey's Mom.

Emily said...

What a gorgeous necklace. love it. ((hugs))

CLC said...

I cling to dates too, even though most people would not consider some of them important. It's all we got.

Beautiful necklace.

Ter said...

I've popped over from 'three little birds" blog. I hear you about dates. It's odd to think that had our babies lived, those dates would have long been forgotten (and some of those dates may not even have a history for us)

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Cara said...

Hi - thanks so much for commenting so I could find your amazing blog.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Toren. What a stunning name.

You are so right about the dates -take them off and let them be whatever they will for you.

RealmOfDestiny said...

HI, I'm also sorry for your loss, I had to go through the same earlier this year, we created a beautiful baby girl, we named her Jasmine.

I guess I couldn't just pass by and not let you know that your story touched my heart.

I still have days where I feel utter despair...I keep really busy, doing voluntary work here in England, I also make charm bracelts. Have just now been roped into making a website and being editor for our Estate (Yes and it all helps to create a better community spirit and organise other people's kids !)

I'll light a candle for your little one. Love Kaz