November 8

I need to rehash dates.

Big dates are:

• October 31 - horrible diagnosis day, seeing that ultrasound absent of amniotic fluid, doctor after doctor gently speaking until one says "incompatible with life"

• November 8 - delivery date, it was a Thursday at 10:35 pm

• March 28 - estimated due date

I plan to take these days off work until further notice. They have primarily landed on weekends so far.


Minor dates include:

• August 12, 2007 - last day I did not constantly think about Toren, the last day of not worrying about that precious soul

• August 13, 2007 - positive pregnancy test revealed that Toren existed

October 31 is so important because that was the day he was lost in a sense. That was the day when I turned into one of those people who only exist in distant tales of misfortune and heartache. March 28 is important as it is the only day I can cling to and consider how under very different, or normal, circumstances Toren would have been out of the womb and enjoying the world. The estimated date of delivery is just a marker, it doesn't really belong to him, but it has become important because it could have been his birthday. I didn't get to make enough memories with Toren - I need his due date.

November 8 is kind of a weird date. The shock that he would die had already been revealed. October 31 started the horrid time of waiting to enter the hospital, frantically researching labor and delivery of a fetus, entering the hospital, day 1, day 2, day 3, and he was delivered. Not really a birthday. I think it was the day he died but he could have died the day before.

Delivering your dead fetus is a really crappy situation, but there was a huge sense of relief to have it over. No more dreading the hospital stay, no more fearing what a tiny fetus will look like, no more contractions and cramps.

October 31 and March 28 hold my anger, horror, and sorrow that the world can be so cruel. These are important days that I both need and hate.

November 8 is Toren's day. It's the day I felt a type of love that I could have never imagined. I saw him and LOVED HIM! There in my hands was a unique individual who cannot be duplicated. A tiny person made through love. A little carbon copy of his father. My heart and entire being flooded over with love. I thought I would deliver and then cry and cry over his body but there was no room for tears that night - sorrow for sure, but more wonderment, love, and joy from seeing him.

The next day there was plenty of crying. Rocking his cold body, playing mom, saying all I could think of to tell him before releasing his body for the last time and leaving it behind.

It's hard to make sense of the duality of so much sadness and that powerful positive feeling (which by the way, I think happens without seeing your baby, that's just the precise moment when I felt it). But if I'm going to recognize the bad dates and rage against the universe for this experience, then I need to, GET TO, remember my son's date of delivery with thanks that I felt that level of love, even if the object of my love had died.

My camera is not capable of taking a good photo of the necklace made by Barbara but I wanted to show it to you. It is SO BEAUTIFUL in real life. "TOREN" is stamped on one side, and the opposite side says "NOV 8 2007".