Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Countdowns and prophesies

The part of me craving renewal: "I need to spend time in the garden before I go crazy!"
The sarcastic part of me: "You arrived at crazy a while ago"

...............

About a year ago I started seeing my therapist (T1) and I have made notable progress with her, but since I was still resistant to being alive I started seeing a therapist (T2) for Brainspotting about a month ago. T2 then recommended I join group therapy that she conducts and I attended that for the first time Thursday night.

So most weeks I have an appointment with T1 and T2, and now a group therapy session. Every once in a while I see my psychiatrist, adding a 4th visit in a single week. Kind of a lot (4 hours a week with out a psychiatrist visit) but less time than when I went to the outpatient program in the winter (10 hours a week).

The deadbaby and ruined marriage triggered big problems and ripped away the facade I was maintaining. Huge heartaches themselves, it turns out that I'm missing a foundation to build a healthy future/life on. That's the short of it. Therapy is intense.

But on Tuesday, after a big crying fit that turned into a productive session T2 said my issues are totally fixable and she knows just how to do it, and that I will be feeling much better in a year. We both marked April 14, 2009 on our calendars as the day I would be feeling better in one year.

"Feeling better" stands for some specific issues.

I completely recognize that it will be a gradual process and I won't wake up on April 14, 2010 suddenly feeling amazing. And April 14, 2010 probably won't mark the completion of the process of feeling better. But the countdown is on towards a much needed end date to feeling so lost. For a year and a half I've desperately craved knowing WHEN I would feel better; having a date, no matter how silly it seems, provides a lot of comfort. I've placed a ticker on my blog counting down to April 14, 2010.

Hold on ... I'm looking forward to a future date ... I take steps everyday to make sure that future day really will be what I want it to be ...

I'm not suicidal anymore.

Those were a horrible 5 months. The tension of believing that it is very wrong that you are alive is something I never want to feel again.

...................

"When you're on that train of thought you pass some pretty funky stops."
- The Beautiful South

Therapy is taking me places that are necessary but difficult and there is often lingering discomfort after sessions. At my first group therapy session Thursday night a man came in to join the group a little late; he made me a little uncomfortable. After the session ended I went to meet friends for dinner and thought it would be just the girls but a bunch of significant others were there too. Hugs and friendly affection from the guys made me tense up. I didn't want to talk with them or be touched by them.

Men are making me uncomfortable! Even one's I'm friends with!

Not stressing out about it because I think this feeling will pass, it's just interesting.

........................

My Dad had a psychic reading done and asked about each of his children. The psychic said that I had had a very bad year in 2008 (spot on) and that 2009 was better (true, it's pretty easy to improve on 2008) but that 2010 was going to be a good year for me. I have got to believe her. I have to believe that something good will happen.

With both the countdown and the prophesy I'm so excited but also frustrated that these "deadlines" are so far away. On one hand I WANT something beautiful and big to happen RIGHT NOW, on the other, I'm just so relived that nothing totally shitty is happening right now.

I guess that is one comforting thing about your life completely falling apart - anything else that happens now can't phase me that much. I have held my own dead child, I have heard my husband say that he doesn't love me anymore, anything else would pale in comparison.

On that note, here's a photo of cute pea plants.

6 comments:

Meg said...

I'm really glad you're not suicidal anymore. I was so worried.
I'm also really glad you have a date you can work towards. That's great! And, it's only gonna get better and better until that date.
You can be very proud that you've taken control and are getting the therapy you need. It must be so hard to work through everything, but you're doing it!
I hope it gets better sooner than later for you Anna!

Reba said...

I hope and know you will have some good days before then. Maybe even a whole bunch in a row. You deserve them. Every step you take is along this new path to a happier time.

debbie said...

Anna,
This is such a great post. You sound so hopeful, like there's a breeze (or fresh air) running through you.
When R & I were going through our own hell, we consulted with an astrologer. She told us that in about two years, things would really start to improve for us, and we would finally have what we wanted. It seemed SO far away to me then, but we're a year in, and it's going so much faster than I thought. As the sun was coming up this morning, I was telling R, I can't believe it's been over a year since everything happened. I realized one of the beautiful things about time is that it passes in seasons. Our hell happened last Spring--and while it's been a year, I haven't had to relive Spring over and over. In other words, the change of seasons seems to help me with the passing of time--and with growing. So maybe for you, this next year of your life--these next four seasons--won't take nearly as long as you think.

I'm so proud of you for working so hard at getting to a happier self. You really are amazing!
Hugs!
Debbie

Sophie said...

I'm glad you can see some light up ahead. We all need to know that it gets better don't we.

It sounds like you are getting some wonderful and constructive support. That's great.

I look forward to a day when we can both look back on what we've come through and be glad of the place we've ended up. We're strong, we'll get through this.

xx

angelseashore said...

Hi Anna,

I finally made it to your blog. I'm so sorry for all that you've gone through. I'm righ there with you in all the feelings that you are experiencing. It sucks, plain and simple. Time & patience is the only remedy I suppose..

Hugs to you.

CLC said...

I am glad you are feeling better and I am rooting for you that 2010 turns out even better than this one for you. It does sound like you are in a much better place and that makes me smile.