Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Spinster or crazy cat lady?

Easter passed by without cares about being alone and not having a one year old to entertain with colored eggs and plush, pastel toys. I stayed in my world of the gardens. Even though I did nothing to acknowledge Easter, it was nice not to be torn up over what I could have had. Right now I'd rather feel nothing than feel such loneliness and hurt.


Last week was a hard week in therapy. Brainspotting doesn't fuck around and takes you places you've been ignoring. It's all good though, I am desperate to get well.


Regarding my whining over my friend/ex-friend/I don't know what she is to me, I sent a message saying how nice it was to see her and didn't say anything about getting together. Then I decided all of this was ridiculous so, in my heart, I forgave her for the careless things she said and have almost forgiven myself for being so angry and that my dear readers is how closure will occur! I hope.


Besides three friends, other people are off my radar for the most part lately. Outside, digging, planting seeds is the only place where I my heart feels still. I still remember the baby, I remember my broken marriage, I remember that my life is starting over, but while I'm in the garden I'm in the present.

I don't care if others think I'm boring or being too reclusive, I'll get out more when I feel like it.

My butterfly and vegetable gardens are "Gardens for popsicle sticks" right now so I can remember what seeds are planted where. The vegetable garden still needs some work before it has it's big reveal in photos but here are some glimpses of my happy place.

Two caterpillars drying off on a rock after a rainstorm

A caterpillar resting in a plant

Sammy's photoshoot

Carefully posing

Awwww, looking peaceful

With a tomato plant

Profile, looking reflective


Sara said...

You sound peaceful, Anna.

And ohhhh, your kitty! Sammy is adorable, and I can't wait to see pictures of your garden.

Meg said...

I'm glad that you're not hurting as much for now. That's definitely a step in the right direction. :)

As for that "friend", I think you are a very good person. Even if you just forgive to move on. That'll be good. I happy for you.

Your cat is beautiful! Awesome pics, too. Can' wait to see the gardens.

Ya Chun said...

cute kitty!

and you have a rainbarrel - kudos! Our city is doing a subsidized sale, so I am so excited because i have one on the way!


my social life is much more protected now too.

Sophie said...

Dido to everything already said.

I'm glad you're not hurting as much. Your garden is looking good and is obviously a special place for you, making you feel in the moment.

I rarely go out and socialise. I just don't want to anymore. If there's one thing in me that's changed is the desire to put myself out. If I don't want to do something, I just don't do it. People are probably starting to get annoyed by that but I don't care. Looking after me first. For now anyway.

Your Sammy is gorgeous! Is he affectionate or aloof? Cats are weird. I have one of each.


AnnaMarie said...

I am feeling more at peace, and I love every minute of it!

Sammy kitty is a snuggle bug!

Kara aka Mother Henna said...

Your sharings are so interesting in this post. I love how you are leaning into these moments. Like there is a shift from fighting the river, to just leaning into it all... from your shift in perspective on your friend to your peace at accepting you are best to yourself in the garden, allowing gentleness for you. What a good reminder for me today!

While I certainly have lots of fighting the river moments myself -- and it is/was helpful at times to just feel whatever I felt -- even when it was that weird, sudden, creeper anger... well, I just started practicing with another way of moving thru it all sometimes. Like I moved from fighting to asking questions instead - when I could/can catch myself in the moment anyway. Somehow the curiosity instead of judging -- about myself, about others -- it is just a softer leaning... If that makes any sense...

Thank you for stirring my heart this morning!

Ter said...

great photos, thanks for sharing! I hope you will find some peace. I'm looking forward to being able to get in my garden but right now it's too mucky.

Emily said...

I love that you have a garden- I need to get my act together and figure out where and how I can make a special place outside.