Easter passed by without cares about being alone and not having a one year old to entertain with colored eggs and plush, pastel toys. I stayed in my world of the gardens. Even though I did nothing to acknowledge Easter, it was nice not to be torn up over what I could have had. Right now I'd rather feel nothing than feel such loneliness and hurt.
Last week was a hard week in therapy. Brainspotting doesn't fuck around and takes you places you've been ignoring. It's all good though, I am desperate to get well.
Regarding my whining over my friend/ex-friend/I don't know what she is to me, I sent a message saying how nice it was to see her and didn't say anything about getting together. Then I decided all of this was ridiculous so, in my heart, I forgave her for the careless things she said and have almost forgiven myself for being so angry and that my dear readers is how closure will occur! I hope.
Besides three friends, other people are off my radar for the most part lately. Outside, digging, planting seeds is the only place where I my heart feels still. I still remember the baby, I remember my broken marriage, I remember that my life is starting over, but while I'm in the garden I'm in the present.
I don't care if others think I'm boring or being too reclusive, I'll get out more when I feel like it.
My butterfly and vegetable gardens are "Gardens for popsicle sticks" right now so I can remember what seeds are planted where. The vegetable garden still needs some work before it has it's big reveal in photos but here are some glimpses of my happy place.
Two caterpillars drying off on a rock after a rainstorm
A caterpillar resting in a plant
Awwww, looking peaceful
With a tomato plant
Profile, looking reflective