Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Monday, December 12, 2011

Well.  The holiday's are here.  I kind of changed my mind about taking a lot of drugs this winter. 

In the past 5-6 weeks I have:
- read 4 books
- painted two rooms in my house
- made the tree skirt that I bought all the fabric for four years ago
- hosted Thanksgiving dinner
- made 20 tree ornaments (hand sculpted from polymer clay and painted)

All in addition to the normal stuff so that's quite a bit of activity for me!  What changed?  I ran out of antidepressants and since I still don't have health insurance going to see my doctor for a prescription refill is out of my budget.

I have a history of depression and anxiety and it was over 4 years ago, on the day of Toren's birth defect diagnosis, when my ob/gyn questioned me about it and gave me handfuls of Lex.apro sample packets before leaving her office.  I think I took the first pill in the parking lot.  Eight days and one delivery of a stillborn later Xan.ax was added to the mix.  Over the past 4 years I have also taken lithium, trazodone, cym.balta, wel.butrin, clonazepam, and there may have been one more that I can't remember right now, in varying combinations and doses. 

It is incredible to FEEL again!  And it is wonderful to have some energy.  When I feel happy now it's an un-muted sense of joy that feels so genuine that sometimes I think I could burst!  But the low moods are also untempered. 

It's seems like there isn't a good solution to depression.  Medication numbs all emotions.  It feels like I haven't really been alive for the past 4 years, which is kind of good considering some of the things that happened, and now I would like be unmedicated but I don't know how long I can handle the dark moods.


I sat down to write tonight after being overwhelmed by a wave of envy of women who have spouses or reliable boyfriends.  While married I didn't realize just how great it was to have someone to share the burdens of the stuff life tosses at you.  Being divorced and self-sufficient is good too but there are some things I struggle to handle and I wish I had some help.


I've been out and about more which means running into my ex and he has said some messed up things to me, most of which I started to tell you about but those writings are still drafts in blogging limbo.  Just two days ago he emailed asking if he could have any Christmas decorations I wasn't using.  This will be our fourth Christmas apart and it's really confusing and upsetting for him to ask for items of our holiday's together after so much time has passed.  There are more things I'm getting rid of and I said he could have those but I'm suspecting he was looking for something specific that I don't have (a family item that I never had, I think they forgot who actually possessed it) because he stopped replying after a while.  He's moving soon.  Back across the country.  Instead of feeling relief that I wouldn't see him out anymore I feel so much sadness that the rift between us will never be repaired and also I'm so jealous that he gets to leave, again.  I would love to just walk away from this house and the memories that have built up here.


This feels like an unfinished thought but since drafts are way outnumbering published posts I'm just going to publish this now. 

How are the holiday's treating you?


debbie said...

Amazing. I couldn't accomplish that many tasks in a year! My holidays are uneventful. It's good to hear from you, Anna.

Reba said...

i was just thinking about you this morning. i'm going to email you.