Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Moving on, but in what direction?

Sometimes it feels like all we do is have discussions and cry.  We both miss how our relationship was when we didn't live together and Monday he said he would move out and we will try to get back to how things were.  Having him move out was exactly what I was wanting to happen, however it was so painful to hear him say those words.  So it made for a rough afternoon.  We decided he should wait until I found some housemates.

That evening we went to a movie to kill time then came home and had sex after which I immediately started hoping for a pregnancy.

I'm giving myself mixed messages.

This situation is not going to have a final answer anytime soon.  Seriously, I do not have a clue about relationships.

So, the good news is that we have been getting along fantastically again!  His mood perks up with pep talks so maybe I just need to give him frequent nudges to be happy and responsible.


It is such a relief having Christmas now in the past.  It was a lovely day!  At the same time it was so far from how I want things to be.

Rather than clinging to the idea that Christmas has to be a certain way with lots of tradition I'm going to make sure to include doing something new every year.  There will probably always be special breakfast and dinner with family or close friends (mostly because there's eating involved and I'm a huge fan of that), the tree will probably always be put up too, but maybe I'll use different decorations someday.  I guess the point is that I want to approach each year with less rigidity so when changes come along I can see that as a chance to try something new rather than worrying about how to recreate the changed factor somewhere else.

There's still this idea that Toren should be here to open presents.  And my husband should be here to make his special coffee for breakfast and to spoil us.  We should have a second child by now.  The bottom couple of feet of the tree should be free from my glass ornaments, in fact the whole tree should be decorated with adorable ornaments that Toren and his sibling(s) would hold and play with and declare specific ones as their favorites.

All of that is not going to happen.  And as my maternal age advances further it's time to start making a backup plan to still be able to enjoy holidays, or any day, child-free.

I can't think about it anymore right now.


Anyway, here is how I like my tree decorated - a glorious, monochromatic heap of silver, white, and black glass.  And there's the velvet tree skirt that I made last month :)

Snugglebunny is allowed to help decorate it but he understands that I will move things around as "necessary".  It all must be visually balanced.  It must be perfect!  And if someday all of the sharp objects and choking hazards are removed to accommodate the curious ways of toddlers, if colorful, durable ornaments are placed on the tree only as high as young children can reach, leaving the top half bare, that will be perfect too.


Sara said...

These decisions are SO tough. My therapist once gave me excellent advice which was: You don't have to make a decision right now. It's ok for you to sit with this and feel your way through it. There is no rush.

I HATE the way this damn biological clock makes me feel absolutely insane. I think a lot about my advancing maternal age as well and am starting to feel panicky about it. Oh well! Life will move along and I guess I'll have to move along with it. Thinking about you.

elena said...

Your tree is beautiful! Sending lots of *hugs*

Sophie said...

That is a gorgeous tree!!!

Decisions about Snuggglebunny are hard. I know that especially in the first five-ten years with Aaron we were up and down all the time, carving out our relationship. He still annoys the shit out of me but we don't really have the highs and lows anymore. I see a dip in the road and I am very quick to point it out and we work on it or it passes. But it is constant effort... I am probably just quicker to spot problems and we tackle them before they get very big. I have NO PATIENCE whatsover...

Whatever happens, here to support. xx

Catherine W said...

Your tree is SO beautiful.

Relationships do change when you live together and, once you've made that decision, it's a hard one to go back on without ending the relationship perhaps? I'm glad you are getting on well again, perhaps you just need to increase the frequency of the pep talks?!

I love the idea of including something new at Christmas every year, that is a wonderful thought. It's so easy to get bogged down in traditions and attach too much meaning to them.

myskytimes said...

I love your monochromatic tree! Absolutely beautiful...

And I second Catherine's last paragraph, I love your idea of integrating something new every year. This year I didn't have space for a tree, so I hung my baubles and pendants off a piece of driftwood. Worked just the same...

Wishing you all the best for a smooth 2012!! xo

caitsmom said...

Your tree is beautiful. Here's hoping the new year brings less "shoulds." (((hugs)))