Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, September 22, 2011

This week I have been enjoying going to my NEW JOB! 

My job is fantastic and the people that I work with are nice (which is a huge improvement over my last job) and it is a research position so I'm actually using my degrees (my last position was admin).

When I was laid off they took my work ID, which is expected but the photo on my card was important.  The photo was taken during new-hire orientation - I had recently graduated, had just had a great summer with my husband, was excited in general, and I was pregnant.  I think that was the only photo taken when I knew was pregnant and was not yet consumed by worry.  I looked happy.  It was painful to have that photo taken away and a few time I thought about contacting HR to see if I could get a photocopy of the card but I didn't want them to think I was crazy and I didn't want to explain why I wanted it so badly and I didn't want to hear that the card had been destroyed already.

The most unexpected things turn out to be important mementos of our missing children.

My new job is back with the same organization and this week I had to submit a photo for my new ID card.  I took over 40 self portraits trying to duplicate the ease of the old photo but in them all I look too old, too strained, too plump, and just too weary to be that person from the old photo again.  This is the one selected because when tiny (like it would be on a ID) I look cheerful enough. 

I mean, it's fine but the last 4 years aged me more than 4 years should, you know?  And now that the hardest parts are in the past and things are looking rather positive I still can't get back to appearing like nothing happened.  I don't want most people to know about my son and my divorce anymore; I don't want to share that much.  Anyway, I don't know where that thought is going... 

I picked up my ID today and here's the photo it has on it

Apparently they kept the old photo on file and I'm so happy that they did :)  It's a relief to have documentation of that short time of utter joy. 


Catherine W said...

Oooo congratulations on the new job! It sounds fantastic.

I think you look beautiful in both of these photographs. I'm glad that you still have a copy of your previous photograph xo

Sophie said...

Yay for your new job!!!!! That is awesome news. :)

And yay for the old photo!!!! Though i really liked your new one too!!! But yeah, I know what you mean about photos is general. It's hard to see how much four years has changed us. Sometimes I see a glimpse of it... but that glow, just isn't the same post loss.

Sending love and hugs and congrats!


Anonymous said...

Congrats on the new job!
But you know what? You're just as beautiful today as you were back then. I know you're a different person on the outside, but I see the same exact beauty in both. I hope you can manage to see that too.

Barbara said...

Ooh congratulations on the new job!

I have one photo of me pregnant with that smile. I hate having my photo taken in general but this one is a family shot at my parents 50th wedding anniversary dinner. I can't look at it very often because I was 14 weeks pregnant, we'd just had a bleeding scare and the CVS test and they said everything was fine...


JoyAndSorrow said...

Just wanna say I love your bangs and wish I could cut mine that short...but every time I think about it, I hesitate and think if I don't like them I will have no way of pinning them back. Yup, I'm a wuss in my old age. I love the pix - both of them.

Alexicographer said...

Both are beautiful but I too am glad the old one reappeared.

Congrats on the new job, it sounds like, um, fun!

Alexicographer said...

Just wandered back by and wanted to say I hope you are OK!