Thank you all so much for your encouragement on my last post. It really means so much to get support for a story that involves an issue that is so controversial. I don't think of Toren as being aborted, even though it does fall into that category. I think of it more like his pregnancy was terminated. I don't think that most early elective abortions are taken lightly but there were so many things to consider with Toren and none of them were anywhere close to "is this a good time for a baby?". That's very shallow and stereotypical since there are thousands of other questions to consider with an early elective abortion, but I'm trying to say that the terms feel so different that it ... I can't find words for it. I was very pro-life where Toren was concerned - if only preparation, determination, and love could make organs grow.
I'm in a slump. Just this week I started fundraising for the March for Babies (check out Toren's cute little face in the sidebar) and it's going to be a very half-assed effort. Raising money for the March of Dimes is important, but right now Japan could use a great deal of help so maybe I'll feel better about encouraging people to donate to this, not-so-urgent, cause in a few weeks. Anyway, this is my 3rd year walking in the March for Babies and it has been a positive experience. If you are considering doing something in memory of your baby, look into the March for Babies and see if you think it will assist with your healing.
It's not clear why I'm so tired and down lately. I'll have a good week, then a bad week (last week was good). Meds have been tinkered with and along with increasing doses my body is plumping, plumping, plumping.
For the past 6 weeks I've hardly been drinking wine. I thought that would be the key to ending this LONG period of depression but it didn't exactly work that way. Inspired by Reba's post's about telling a story in six words, here's what I wrote a few weeks ago:
Drunk or not, baby is dead.
The 3+ years of consuming impressive amounts of wine did exactly as intended and covered up a lot of grief so stopping this prompted an unending flood of thoughts about Toren for several weeks. And that's become the emotional theme lately:
do March for Babies or not, baby is dead
plan/hope for rainbow baby, Toren is dead
Any action or mindset, positive or negative, does not erase the past that I so want to un-do.