Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Thank you all so much for your encouragement on my last post.  It really means so much to get support for a story that involves an issue that is so controversial.  I don't think of Toren as being aborted, even though it does fall into that category.  I think of it more like his pregnancy was terminated.  I don't think that most early elective abortions are taken lightly but there were so many things to consider with Toren and none of them were anywhere close to "is this a good time for a baby?".  That's very shallow and stereotypical since there are thousands of other questions to consider with an early elective abortion, but I'm trying to say that the terms feel so different that it ... I can't find words for it.  I was very pro-life where Toren was concerned - if only preparation, determination, and love could make organs grow.


I'm in a slump.  Just this week I started fundraising for the March for Babies (check out Toren's cute little face in the sidebar) and it's going to be a very half-assed effort.  Raising money for the March of Dimes is important, but right now Japan could use a great deal of help so maybe I'll feel better about encouraging people to donate to this, not-so-urgent, cause in a few weeks.  Anyway, this is my 3rd year walking in the March for Babies and it has been a positive experience.  If you are considering doing something in memory of your baby, look into the March for Babies and see if you think it will assist with your healing.

It's not clear why I'm so tired and down lately.  I'll have a good week, then a bad week (last week was good).  Meds have been tinkered with and along with increasing doses my body is plumping, plumping, plumping.

For the past 6 weeks I've hardly been drinking wine.  I thought that would be the key to ending this LONG period of depression but it didn't exactly work that way.  Inspired by Reba's post's about telling a story in six words, here's what I wrote a few weeks ago:

Drunk or not, baby is dead.

The 3+ years of consuming impressive amounts of wine did exactly as intended and covered up a lot of grief so stopping this prompted an unending flood of thoughts about Toren for several weeks.  And that's become the emotional theme lately:
      do March for Babies or not, baby is dead
      plan/hope for rainbow baby, Toren is dead
Any action or mindset, positive or negative, does not erase the past that I so want to un-do.


Reba said...

oh my...your six-worder is a doozy. wow.

i'm so glad i inspired you.

toren can never physically come back to this world (that we know of). but he WILL live on through his sibling(s). i promise you i experience this every day, and it is amazing and powerful and wonderful. his sibling(s) will not erase, but hopefully enhance, his short presence in your life into the next part of your parenting and motherhood experience.


Kristin said...

Sorry I missed your last post. Kudos to you for speaking out on such an important issue.

As for the depression, it is understandable. Have you considered medication? If you have and I've forgotten it, ignore the assvice.


Carly said...

Walking the line between the past and the future and wondering where it all fits into place. Very much wanting to undo the past too. xoxo

cgd said...

I agree with you, I see Baby H as a medical termination, a loss not an abortion (I hate that word). It is so different.
I am sorry you are feeling down and you are right that nothing can change what happened to any of our babies. Some days I feel like I am drowning in that fact and other days I want to do better/be better in spite of what happened or to show baby H that I am ok and am carrying on. Please lean on us during these hard times.
sending lots of love to you.

Sophie said...

I don't think of Toren as being aborted either Anna. You made a loving decision to spare your son from a pain he had no hope of surviving. :(

I get so very mad when people talk about being pro-life and about how horrible late terminations/abortions are. If they'd spent any time with seriously disbled kids they might think differently.

You're preparing to embark on creating a child with Snugglebunny. This decision alone is going to bring up many old hurts that you will have to work through. I guess what I am saying is don't worry too much about the up and downs... I think its perfectly understandable. xx

Ya Chun said...

Parenthood - sometimes the responsibility of it comes earlier.

I am struck by the concept in your short statements. This could be positive too - we took it for Serenity might be dead, but why not live well in her honor? We are alive anyway. It's easier said than done, but it is a good touchstone.

Jenn said...

That six word story is so short, yet is explosive with meaning. Thinking of you, Anna, and wishing you brighter days ahead.

And we are big supporters of the MOD down here. This year will be my 18th! year walking, but of course, with new purpose. It does feel good to do something positive in Micah's name. I hope as it draws closer it will begin to help you feel lighter too, by doing positive in Toren's name.

Anonymous said...

I am walking in rememberance of my son this year as well. Although it doesn't bring him bakc, it does make me feel better knowing that we are doing something to help prevent this from happeneing to anyone else. I hope you reach your goal!

Quiet Dreams said...

Sorry I haven't commented in so long. I actually tried to comment on your last post, but Blogger ate it. I tend to save your posts up so that I can comment thoughtfully, but that just leads to having a big stack of them and then I just put it off.

I definitely understand about numbing from difficult feelings. The story of my life.