Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Monday, March 28, 2011

1, 2, 3


These are the loneliest day, the terrorversaries.

These have become the days when it hurts the most that his father left me behind to handle these days alone - to remember our son alone.

Today is the third anniversary of a day when nothing happened.  Had his story taken a different path, Toren would have been 3 years old.



The day after the prior post I had a very important therapy session, though it's hard to describe why.  Here's some rambling: People with children do sometimes kill themselves.  If Toren had lived, my marriage probably would not have improved enough to make it good.  The same persistent problems would have returned once the difficult aspects of raising a child emerged.  This is not some sort of comparison that ends with determining that it's a fucking blessing that Toren is dead because now I'm out of a bad marriage, this is letting go of the dream I was clinging to that Toren living would have meant that my husband I would only grow closer and closer.

Sometimes I miss my ex more than I could ever say out loud, and that makes me so angry that he could not be the person I thought he was.



Birth control has run out and cycle charting has begun.  Even while dutifully logging temperatures and whatnot, I can't believe that a baby could be the end result. 


cgd said...

thinking of you and baby Toren.

Anonymous said...

Remembering Toren with you, AnnaMarie.

Thank you for your honest post, it does help to recognize all these things and when you voice them it all like you do, it seems a bit more manageable for me, too.

One of my favorite thing you say is: At any given moment you can bet that I'd rather be gardening.

much love today and always

Anonymous said...

Oh I hear you... those terrorversaries (btw nice one, perfect fit). Remembering Toren with you.

Sometimes I wonder how long my marriage would have lasted if my son had lived. In a way I dread the answer, cause I believe it wouldn't have improved but "for the kid" I would have been trying and trying... until... maybe... I would not be here now.

I am glad you made it to here. xo

Reba said...

thinking of you and toren on what should have been his birthday.

you know my coworker who is pregnant, who i've been talking about in my posts? she's due on my old due date with my twins. i haven't let myself think about how that will feel this fall.

happy charting, happy babymaking.

biojen said...

I don't know how I lost you off of my reader, I'm sorry I haven't been commenting in so long. Thank you for the comment you left on my blog. I'm remembering Toren with you. It may not help to hear this, but having a living child is just about the last thing that will fix a marriage. The problems you already had would probably have been much worse had Toren lived, so his death had nothing to do with what happened in your marriage. I'm speaking from experience - not lecturing, so I hope you aren't offended. I'm so sorry your ex wasn't the person you thought he was and you are dealing with these days on your own. I'm impressed by your strength to have survived so much and your ability to look to the future. Good luck with the charting.

Lisette said...

Love your honesty!

Wishing you all the best and I hope a baby will be in your arms soon.

Catherine W said...

Hoping for you and remembering your little boy on what might have been his birthday xo

Jenn said...

Remembering Toren with you and thinking of you as you go through another terrorversary. xx

Kristin said...

Remembering and abiding with you.

Quiet Dreams said...

I feel the same about my ex sometimes, too.