Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Horrible

Usually I can tell the instant a pregnant woman is near but I was fooled last night by a baggy t-shirt and conversation that was not initially pregnancy-centric.  But I'm calming down about that anyway; learning of a pregnancy is not like being emotionally stabbed anymore, it's more like a healed injury.  For a real life analogy, the knee I broke last summer feels just fine 97% of the time, but every once in a while I'll step funny and yowzers!  Although, my heart that broke for Toren doesn't feel fine 97% of the time yet.

Anyway, I decided to stay present and not get swept away by memories and that went well, though I did drink a little too much wine, and got quieter and quieter as the conversation got louder and louder, and was the first one to leave.  But it did get to the point where she expressed how unpleasant it is being pregnant and joked that she was keeping a journal reminding herself not to get pregnant again. 

She said "pregnancy is HORRIBLE!"
And I thought, "Lady, you don't even know how horrible pregnancy can be."

*****

The first ultrasound with Toren was supposed to be around 9 weeks and even though I was certain of my menstrual period dates the ultrasound revealed that he was actually almost 13 weeks gestation (that last one sure looked like a menstrual period).  I was so happy to be further along because that was closer to when the nausea was expected to ease up.  Being pregnant really does make some people feel horrible.  And then to have it end horribly makes it a mystery why a subsequent pregnancy even sounds like a good idea at all.

Really, why do we want to risk repeating that experience again?  Is this my biological clock creating this sense of urgency to repeat something that was horrible?

3 comments:

Kristin said...

I think your biological clock is there to encourage us to repeat the rough part because the pay off can be so wonderful. {{{Hugs}}}

Reba said...

pregnancy has its horrible parts, and its lovely parts too. the outcome is so worth it all, though.

my pregnancy with my twins (cut very short) feels like an entire lifetime (and for two people, it was). my pregnancy with the ham, which was twice as long, feels like a blip in my life. it's such a finite period of time. every moment will feel long, but it will be worth it.

myskytimes said...

I hear you... I puked all through my pregnancy and besides the fact it ended in a dead baby, that only decreases my desire to go through it ever again. 8 months of puking... just to get kicked in the guts in the end... uh, I dunno.

On another note: I was at a party recently with a gazillion kids running around screaming. Someone said to me: This must be kid's hell for you. I answered: No, Kids Hell looks totally different. Left him slightly confused.

Hence: sorry, no advice here. Just a me-too.

Sending much love! xo