Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, January 13, 2011


Being quiet here is kind of just the tip of the iceberg; I've been quiet everywhere, virtually and IRL.  I've been reading a little and commenting hardly at all and I miss you all so much.

Rather than the injection of joy I was expecting, depression has been crushing me since SnuggleBunny moved in last month.  I can't tell what the problem is.  Perhaps these would have been depressing holidays regardless of having my boyfriend move in, but very quietly I'm wondering if I'm going to ruin this relationship.  He is very patient though and this is a huge change so I'm still hopeful that our living together will work out well.

It's time to consciously stop isolating so much though, so here's an update on things I wouldn't tell anyone else:

1.  The stock of nu.va rings in my fridge is down to 2 and if I actually want to get pregnant this year perhaps it's a good idea to not get any refills on that prescription.  Two.  That creates some pressure since it would be best to not be so depressed, or at least know what is behind the depression because if longing for a child is making me this sad, then trying for pregnancy could be a good thing.  Having this un-firm time limit is overwhelming at moments but also exciting.  Very exciting at times.

2.  This morning I ordered the following books
Trying Again - because I may be preparing to try again (but I could still chicken out!)
Momma Zen - in case trying again turns successful
Hand Wash Cold - because it may have things to think about even if trying again is not successful
and a 5 year diary of my very own, inspired by Her Five Year Diary, which is completely delightful even though the entries are pretty mundane so far.  I can't wait to start recording the boring highlights of my days!

3.  I started a photo blog but haven't made a post yet.  There are several motivating factors behind this, first I am so fucking depressed that I hoped having a goal of taking photos would be a fun and positive thing to do.  Even taking photos that put an image to depression would at least be interacting with the world.  Also, I wanted to have a blog to share with real life family and friends so I could honestly express thoughts and feelings to them, but I may not be comfortable with this.  Why is it so hard to open up to family sometimes?  Recently my dad told me about one of the ladies in his neighborhood who has been very depressed lately and how he makes sure that she is doing ok and that she knows that people care about her.  He said this reminded him of me since I had gone through depression recently.  Since he thought I had beat depression, I didn't know how to tell him that I had hardly answered the phone or emails for weeks because I was too busy isolating.  Is it fair to my family to keep them in the dark about how I'm doing?  Is it fair to me to cut off that potential source of support?

Eh, I'm out of words again.  How about some photos from winter?

This is Toren's ornament collection.  See the lovely blue one with Toren's name painted on it?  It's from Jenn :)  Many, many thanks to Jenn for thinking of Toren!

Memorial bricks placed in garden

Gluten free, cranberry apple pie on Christmas day - yum!


Lisette said...

How I wish I had the right workds to say to you right now.
Opening up to family isn't easy because they don't hold back on their feelings that sometimes we just don't want to hear. I really do hope that you start trying even though it is a scary scary thing to do. Wishing you all the best ((HUGS)) from CA.

jill said...

Thinking of you and sending *hugs* I also have a hard time opening up to my family. If you think they'd be supportive, I say work on telling them more - it may be helpful for you.

Jenn said...

You're not alone; I also have a very hard time opening up to most of my family. I tend to only open up to those that will respond in a way that won't drive me crazy or make me cry. That knocks most of my family out of the running.

I'm so pleased you like the ornament. I think it looks beautiful snug in your tree, if I do say so myself.

The memorial bricks are lovely and the pie looks that way, too. YUM.

I hope you get some relief from the depression soon, Anna. Wish there were something I could do for you other than send love. xx

Amy said...

I look forward to seeing your photography! I'm really having fun learning this new craft.

Good luck with the books. I did the same thing when we decided to TTC again after Liam. Books. Seems I always turn to books when I have a major life problem.

Sophie said...

I think these overwhelming feelings are perfectly normal for us babylost mamas. You've had to deal with so much and this is a huge step both in living with snugbug and hoping to bring another baby into your life. This is huge and wonderful and daunting and super fragile and potentially devastating and very possibly stunningly beautiful.

Life is a risk. Love is a risk. You are a beautiful brave mama that deserves wonderful things to come into your life. I hope that this is the year for you. xxx

Jessica said...

Beautiful ornaments and that pie is crazy awesome looking :)
I tried to send you a little gift awhile back (through BLM penpals) and it returned to me saying the address was invalid. If you get a chance could you email me your address so I could mail it to you?

Ya Chun said...

I always think of friends as the family we choose. Family dynamics are sometimes just too complicated to deal with.

I guess I should have emailed you. I have been wondering how the adjustment with SB was going.

Triple S and I had a very rocky 6 months when we first moved in together (in 1999!). I remember us talking about how we were glad we weren't married, because it would have been more pressure to 'get along'. There's a lot of adjustment and getting used to each other's rhythms (and in our case, way too much furniture and junk for a tiny apartment!)

Love the ornaments.

Do you take vitamin D? Or have a winter light box? I just want to hibernate in the winter...

And I got a 5-yr diary too - I think it is awesome!

It was very interesting to me when I got pregnant again. I couldn't believe how happy I instantly was (the worry was more - but that had been there already). It was actually a little strange, to have such a sudden shift in mood.

take care dear

Anonymous said...

Hi AnnaMarie,
I'm very happy to have found your blog, and thanks for putting me on your blogroll! I just wanted to comment and strengthen you a bit - I really truly feel your pain, and you write beautifully.
I totally get why you isolate from your friends and family - but I learned the hard way that in the long term, it is much easier to share. If you're anything like me, then you're probably not used to reaching out for help and comfort. It was very hard for me at first as well. But believe me, once you overcome that initial barrier, a good listen and a hug goes a long way.
In the meantime, here's a virtual hug from me!

Anonymous said...

Welcome to the club. I'm not one to share my sorrows with family, too. (In fact, I've just written about this yesterday.) So I'm not much of an help on this issue.

Though I absolutely love the memory bricks... and your pie is mouthwatering deluxe. Looks yummylicious...

Besides praising your photos, all I can do is hope the sun will be shining for you soon. Sending much love! xoxo

Quiet Dreams said...

I also tend to isolate and have a hard time opening up to my family. I have found that as long as I open up to someone (or someones) it helps with the isolation.

Many hugs.

Anonymous said...

So sorry that you feel depressed. I'm just coming out of mine. This one took awhile. I too am in the same boat - wanting to TTC but so very afraid. Our lives seem so parallel.. will you email me if you need support? Your ecard meant the world to me. Hang in there my friend.

Beautiful Mess said...

I think it's harder to open up to the people closest to us. I know for me, I don't want them to know how weak I am. They all think I'm so strong and I'm suppose to carry every one though everything, but when I'm depressed, its all I can do to carry, MYSELF through the day. I've been learning that talking to my husband does help. I haven't felt weak, nor did he think I was.

The thing about depression, I found out, is that it comes when you're suppose to be your happiest. I was depressed for at least a month when we bought our house. How crazy is that?! I'm suppose to be so excited to paint and everything, but all I wanted to do was sleep. I'm not sure why, but it happens to me often. Maybe it's a reminder of something that isn't "right" because of the loss.

I hope you find something that makes you smile from your eyes, a real smile! You've got a lot of love coming your way from a lot of people. Stop and feel it, it helps!

CLC said...

Lovely pix.

I am sorry you are feeling depressed. I wish I could give sage advice, but I have none. Just thinking of you and hope that your dreams are realized this year.