Rather than the injection of joy I was expecting, depression has been crushing me since SnuggleBunny moved in last month. I can't tell what the problem is. Perhaps these would have been depressing holidays regardless of having my boyfriend move in, but very quietly I'm wondering if I'm going to ruin this relationship. He is very patient though and this is a huge change so I'm still hopeful that our living together will work out well.
It's time to consciously stop isolating so much though, so here's an update on things I wouldn't tell anyone else:
1. The stock of nu.va rings in my fridge is down to 2 and if I actually want to get pregnant this year perhaps it's a good idea to not get any refills on that prescription. Two. That creates some pressure since it would be best to not be so depressed, or at least know what is behind the depression because if longing for a child is making me this sad, then trying for pregnancy could be a good thing. Having this un-firm time limit is overwhelming at moments but also exciting. Very exciting at times.
2. This morning I ordered the following books
Trying Again - because I may be preparing to try again (but I could still chicken out!)
Momma Zen - in case trying again turns successful
Hand Wash Cold - because it may have things to think about even if trying again is not successful
and a 5 year diary of my very own, inspired by Her Five Year Diary, which is completely delightful even though the entries are pretty mundane so far. I can't wait to start recording the boring highlights of my days!
3. I started a photo blog but haven't made a post yet. There are several motivating factors behind this, first I am so fucking depressed that I hoped having a goal of taking photos would be a fun and positive thing to do. Even taking photos that put an image to depression would at least be interacting with the world. Also, I wanted to have a blog to share with real life family and friends so I could honestly express thoughts and feelings to them, but I may not be comfortable with this. Why is it so hard to open up to family sometimes? Recently my dad told me about one of the ladies in his neighborhood who has been very depressed lately and how he makes sure that she is doing ok and that she knows that people care about her. He said this reminded him of me since I had gone through depression recently. Since he thought I had beat depression, I didn't know how to tell him that I had hardly answered the phone or emails for weeks because I was too busy isolating. Is it fair to my family to keep them in the dark about how I'm doing? Is it fair to me to cut off that potential source of support?
Eh, I'm out of words again. How about some photos from winter?
This is Toren's ornament collection. See the lovely blue one with Toren's name painted on it? It's from Jenn :) Many, many thanks to Jenn for thinking of Toren!
Memorial bricks placed in garden
Gluten free, cranberry apple pie on Christmas day - yum!