Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, December 16, 2010

In so many ways the grief of losing Toren has eased.  Time doesn't heal but doing grief work helps you learn to live with devastating sorrow, so as time progresses you feel better in a lot of ways.  With an air of confidence and shallow expertise, people on the outside consider this "time" "healing" wounds.

This is the 4th Christmas since Toren died but instead of feeling the progressive sense of relief that time is supposed to bring, I feel so angry and sad.

5 Christmases ago, in 2006, I silently smiled to myself and thought that the number of holiday's spent with just my husband and I were almost over.  One year after that we were both reeling and numb from our son's death.  The next Christmas I was one month out from hubby abandoning our sinking ship of a marriage and from being hospitalized for a suicide attempt.  Again I was numb.

Last year the holiday was spent with my sweet new boyfriend :)  He moved in last weekend!  However he's been away for work for 2 weeks so things have not been as fun as anticipated.

At times I feel so much peace and so much relief those very, very hard years are in the past.  I am lucky.  I am loved.  But then I'm also pretty damn pissed off to be spending another Christmas without children!


I had wanted 3 children, and would have had to have them almost back to back given my advancing maternal age (ugh!).  So had things gone according to plan, Toren would be a few months shy of 3 years old right now, and he would have a sibling, and plans for the third baby would be in progress.  This parallel life makes this holiday feel so quiet.  And it is a reminder that I probably will not have time to birth 3 living children, and even though I don't want that many anymore, it is still a dream to wave goodbye to.


If I don't have a baby on the way next Christmas (that looks like it will live), I am going to freak out.

Freak.  Out.


How are y'all holding up this holiday season?


Jenn said...

A lovely dream and I'm sorry you're having to wave goodbye to it. It sucks, I know. Over here we're probably waving goodbye to that dream, too.

The holidays are rough this year but with everything else going on lately I've been able to kind of ignore them. I was literally caught off guard this morning to realize Christmas is next week. Next week!

Wishing you a peaceful and happy holiday season. Thinking of you. xx

Kristin said...

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. Don't give up on your dream of multiple children yet. It can happen. And, more importantly, dreams give us hope. {{{Hugs}}} and love.

Kakunaa said...

Don't give up yet...stranger things have happened. Miracles happen in our world. I am glad, though, that you are finding some peace, over time. Please try to enjoy the holiday at least a little bit.

Lisette said...


butterflymom said...

Keep on dreaming, hun. Don't give up on hope...it's there for all of us. I truly believe that. I will keep you in my prayers. ((Hugs))

Ya Chun said...

As I was reading this post, I was thinking "Oh, my comment is going to be 'baby for next Chrsitmas'!" But you beat me to it!

I hope it happens, and there is at least a baby in your belly by that time.

Doing ok over here. Not much holiday stuff yet - getting tree this weekend. So maybe I am in a bit of denial, or ignoring more like it.

Hope the next few weeks are peaceful but also exciting as you two settle down!

cgd said...

thinking of you at this time. These reminders are so hard and bittersweet.
sending love to you and your sweet baby boy....

Sophie said...

I will be sending much babydust mojo to you this year!!!!

Lovely to hear that you and snugglebunny and shacked up! Time to git busy with it... hehehe

caitsmom said...

"it is still a dream to wave goodbye to." I'm so sorry. Though, I will send lots of hope your way, hope that your dream may be embraced along with living children, instead of a wave good bye. Peace.

brianna said...

Life has a way of taking dreams and making them seem impossible, even when they aren't. I hope that you are able to still attain that dream.

I'm also hoping that you will have your wish of a baby next Christmas.

Quiet Dreams said...

When you write about Toren I think of the saying "not out, but through."

I am also yearning for children and hope it happens for both of us.