Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


Last Tuesday was off to an uncomfortable start from the get go (last post) so when my ex contacted me a few hours later asking to get together so he could give me some information for the re-negotiating the mortgage (another HUGE source of stress), I agreed.  In my opinion, it's a wiser move to add a negative task to an already not great day than to a great day.

First, let me say that is really stinks that even if you divorce, everyone who was initially put on the mortgage is still responsible for the mortgage, no matter what the divorce papers say.  It just makes things, like continued communication with your ex-husband who walked away from the freaking house leaving you with all of the stress of paying for it, annoying.

I suspected he really wanted to just talk.

He suggested Sta.rbucks, but I like that place so I suggested a bar that I don't really like going to (why risk creating bad memories at a location you like?).  It started out well.  We met in high school and were married for 11 years (that's 19 years of nearly daily contact) so there is a huge feeling of comfort just being near him.  On some level he probably gets me more than anyone else does.  But it was also uncomfortable for both of us, which makes me feel like a bar was a good choice (even though anything in excess of moderate drinking is not good) because I WANTED him to say all that was on his mind that night; I didn't want this to be a conversation that extended over time.

On our second drinks, I ask why he just signed another year's lease on his apartment when he wants to move to be near his mom.  He'd been seeing someone (for 6 days), and they were really hitting it off, until the weekend of the March for Babies when he had some sort of breakdown about Toren and freaked out the girl.  He made it a point to tell me that one main "flaw" with her was that she was not able to have children - why he thinks it's ok to tell that to the person who failed at making a baby that can live is beyond me.  And, that he considers this a negative point in the person he is seeing is insulting for all women who struggle with family building.

Eventually, he asks me about the "elephant in the room", which I couldn't guess which elephant he was talking about so he asks "How are you and SnuggleBunny doing?".  I hadn't mentioned my boyfriend to my ex-husband, because that seems rude, so I tell him we are doing well, SB is probably the funniest person I have ever met, and he is living in the house now.  It seems totally inappropriate to tell the person I was last planning a family with that SB and I are hoping to have a baby soon, so I don't mention it.  Saying something like that could be hurtful.

Then he says "You probably know I was seeing Karen*".
* = names are NOT changed to protect the innocent

At which point I order a third glass of wine.  I didn't know he was seeing Karen.  Why would I know that?  Karen, the female part of a couple we used to spend time with; a couple that split up soon after we did.  Karen, who has two adorable young sons who I played video games with and watched movies with on mornings when we stayed over at their house.  Apparently they got pretty serious for a while there.  Serious enough that she and her family are friends with his family on FB, while his family have never wondered if I was doing ok (although, he probably didn't say that he dumped my ass and instead he would have spouted off some victimizing lies and implied that our separation was mutually decided upon).  He probably tucked those boys into bed.

A week later it still makes me angry that he thought it was ok to tell me about a relationship he had, with one of our mutual friends, with a woman who can make living baby boys.  There was so much more involved, but basically he left me and hooked up with a woman who has living, beautiful sons.

Giving birth to a dead baby is so unattractive.

Soon he starts to do things on his computer, preparing to email the mortgage information to me and I'm freaking out and self conscious so try to look important by sending a text to SB letting him know I'll be home soon and then to Debbie, admitting that I need to look busy right now and thanking her for her support.


At home I pour another glass of wine, talk to my dad on the phone about my plan to start prostitution to afford this damn house, and then I go quiet and SB looks over and I tell him about how sad something I'm reading is and I start to read aloud Mandy's words from this post and then I'm sobbing.  SB then makes me go to bed, which was exactly what I needed, and he hugs me for hours.


Yesterday, four years ago, I graduated from a masters program.  I felt like we were so put together.  Ex and I had a house (2 spare bedrooms and a big backyard), cars, and my education was done for now.  We had come MILES from where our own parents were.   I wanted my children to be WANTED, and although Toren was conceived several months sooner than expected (I planned a few months to get the hormonal contraceptives out of my system), he was planned for and there were years of preparation for HIM. 

"But the diaper bag remains untouched."

I don't think there is anything I want more than a family of my own.  But it's more sick than that ... there is part of me that needs to pick up where the ex and I left off ... I so want that decade of preparation to lead to something other than a broken heart.  I can't imagine, or really desire, a pregnancy leading to someone other than Toren.  And there is no way to express this to SB without hurting his feelings. 


Divorce is hard.

But not nearly as hard as walking out of the hospital while your child's body is taken to the morgue.

One foot in front of  the other until it's been almost 4 years and you wonder how it's possible that so much time has passed.  He was so precious ... how has time continued without him?  Part of me is still there waiting, arms held out waiting to be given something other than a memory box.


Reba said...

there are so many things to say. i can imagine (painfully) what talking to your ex must feel like--hubby and i met our first week of college and have known each other for 15 years. it just hurts to think about. i know he wouldn't handle things in quite the same way as your ex--for example, the thought of him looking up mortgage information is laughable. in fact i think we would never have contact again if we broke up, which makes me sad.

i also am so with you that giving birth to dead babies is so unattractive. it's like a bone-deep unattractiveness that i don't know if i, or others, will ever be able to forget. everyone (mostly) has forgot that i ever lost twins. but the stigma is still there even if they don't remember exactly why.

jill said...

Thinking of you, and Toren. *hug*

cgd said...

thinking of you my sweet friend... wishing things were just easier for you

Sophie said...

Sending big hugs. The 'Karen' thing has me fuming. Ggrrr... but big hugs coming your way...

debbie said...

wow. this post took me a few days to process and I was just reading it, not living it. I think it's maddening that he comes to you now, ready, on some level, to start processing. On the other hand, i think there's something mildly good about knowing that he has a very long way to go and that the divorce was likely a result of him just not being ready on so many levels.
I am glad you are done with him, I am glad you have come so far and I am glad that you have found such a wonderful person to share your life with.
You deserve every bit of happiness that is coming your way and that you have worked so hard for.

Quiet Dreams said...

I relate to so much in this post. It touched me very deeply. I am struggling to write some kind of meaningful comment, but what I really want to say is thank you for opening up your heart here and letting us in.