Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Was he drunk?

 Perhaps.  This was send to my phone and email during the noon hour on Saturday, from my ex-husband.

"Thank you so much for walking for Toren today. You are an amazing person. I am so sorry things happened the way they did. I never wanted to hurt you. I am sorry. Thank you for being amazing. Thank you for remembering when i worked so hard to forget."

It will take about a year for me to figure out a response. 

I am both filled with compassion and compassionless; both filled up to the brim and devoid of patience.

9 comments:

debbie said...

I am speechless. Who does that now after so much pain has passed? I think i'd rather hear it though, even if its later than expected. Maybe he only had the guts to express it now that you two are at a distance. Obviously it was all too much for him. But i'm with you, i cant help but feel compassion for him and im so glad he's finally letting it out to you.

Kristin said...

O.M.G. I am truly stunned that he has waited so long to acknowledge what y'all lost. I am glad he admitted it but it's sad for everyone that it took so long and so much damned pain to get him to say anything.

Ya Chun said...

a little late.

But YOU are in a better place and a better relationship, right?

And congrats on walking for Toren.

Bree said...

Wow. Perhaps he's finally realizing how much of Jerk (way understating it, right?) he's been.

Catherine W said...

Well I can't say I saw that coming?! I'm glad that he acknowledged Toren and his amazing mama but I wish he had done that sooner. I'm sorry he didn't. I suspect he is too. xo

Sophie said...

Oh my. Wow. Yeah I would sit with this for a while too.

Don't give him absolution just because he's asking for it. Don't say anything just to make HIM feel better.

Sit with it and when you're ready speak your truth.

Love to you and Toren and Snuggle bunny xxx

cgd said...

wow, it is clear that he just beginning to do all the emotional work that you have already been able to do. I am sure it is very confusing and over whelming. He is right that you are amazing, you are/were Toren's only real functional parent.

still life angie said...

Take this with a grain of salt, but it sounds to me like he might be getting sober, if he was a drinker. He might just be starting to realize how much he ran away, buried his feelings with booze and other women. But I am sorry that he didn't say this earlier, but glad he said it. You are an amazing mama and woman. I am just glad you have a glimmer into his real feelings. My ex still has a kind of power to make me feel flutters and angry in the same moment. I always think when he acknowledges his mistakes, an angel gets his wings. Or maybe more to the point, I never tire of hearing him acknowledge the ways in which he wronged me, because for a long time, I thought it was me. Love to you, and remembering Toren.

Wabi said...

Holy hell. Yeah, drunk seems possible. Or as Still Life Angie said, maybe recently sober. Or otherwise up on some sort of cross, contemplating his own personal Good Friday?

You are a great mom to your Toren. Part of me feels terribly sad for your ex while the other half wants to smack him repeatedly.