Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Relationships and boys

Twelve years ago today I got married. I was 22. We met at a high school dance when I was 16 and he was 14. After being in each others lives for 17 years he said we were not compatible. He was right, but that doesn't make it not hurt.

It's hard to lose your spouse and best friend at the same time.

I've not thought about it too much today though. More hours have been spent thinking about the men I am virtually meeting through a dating site some friends signed me up for (I've even been asked out on a date already! but I told him I'll go only if we get to know each other better on-line first). But the prospect of dating is very painful too. It's an active step in moving away from the life I wanted.

I don't like being so alone but it's hard to imagine myself meeting new people or being intimate with someone new. It's hard to be someone more than a deadbaby mama and a woman totally dumped by her husband, after all, if the person who knew me best left with hardly a word how good of a person am I? My last couple of intimate times were disastrous so there's zero confidence there. And I look like I've been through hell.

Anyway, inspired by Grace's positive attitude:

Today I am doing better because instead of dwelling on the past I thought about what I want in the future.

I guess I just wanted to say brace yourself for frequent freak outs and bring on your best dating advice!!!

For you musical theater fans, here's a theme song as this deadbaby mama starts to tiptoe back into public ;)


Monique said...

Hey, good on you! Keep us posted on how it goes. xo

bir said...

You know, girl, I met my husband at the grand old age of 36 when I had all but put myself on the scrap heap. I met him because I took the plunge and joined up on a dating site. (gasp)! Not everyone in our lives know that. Nor do they need to! I had met quite a few wankers, dated one guy who was great (and a millionaire) but we came from different worlds and the spark just wasn't there. And then, when I almost didn't bother because I was over the stress and crap of dating, and the tossers that are out there, I agreed to meet my now husband.

Thank goodness! :-)

Be careful in the online dating world, but go for it I say! And more to the point, just enjoy yourself!


Meg said...

I wonder if you could look at it as not moving away from the life you wanted, but moving toward it? If you find love with someone, that would be getting closer to what you want. A life with a loving partner and maybe even a child. It doesn't mean that you are leaving Toren behind. He'll be making this journey with you in your heart. <3
I hope for your happiness!!!

ezra'smommy said...

Wishing you well on this next step in life's journey.

Bree said...

I hope you meet a wonderful, kind man. You are amazing and deserve to be happy. Thinking of you!

I'm working on Torren's buttefly. Check my site in a few days. :)

Anonymous said...

How exciting! I know it's scary to leave someone so familiar behind and start dating again but think of it as an adventure to finding someone who will love you for who you are, just as you are. Keep me posted on your HOT dates!!!

Love ya!

Ya Chun said...


but, if you both agree that you weren't compatible, then at least you aren't putting anymore effort into that. Now you can find a good guy.