Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

In a year or so, this will slip into the sea

Two years ago today Toren was just a vague wish ... just a hope for the future.

Contraception had ceased, prenatal vitamins commenced, and actively trying to conceive was planned for the upcoming winter. Meanwhile, I had been been feeling ill for a couple of weeks - nauseous, bloated, gloomy. On August 13, 2007, after listening to my frustrating and on-going symptoms a friend asked if I could be pregnant and while I thought it was unlikely, I picked up a pregnancy test on my way home from work anyway. Of course, that turned out to be positive and of course it turned out dismally.

But that was two years ago tomorrow. Two years ago today I had had a great summer with family visiting to attend my graduation, a trip to Seattle, plenty of time sitting by the neighborhood pool, and hanging out with friends. And then I felt sick for weeks, then so happy and excited, then so loved, then so worried, then so utterly heartbroken. And heartbroken is where I've remained.

One year ago today I was unexpectedly overwhelmed by tears from realizing that it had been a year since Toren hadn't been the primary topic of my thoughts. Now it's been two years since I felt the lightness of not worrying over him or missing him. Last year I wrote this:

"What I would give for thoughts from my self a year from now. Next August 12 will I be remarking on how much beauty and joy has entered my life or will it be another shell shocked statement of "didn't see that coming"?"

Well Anna from the past, if you could have heard your thoughts from the future, this is what you would have been told ...

You will still be a bit shell shocked from living another year without Toren and a good portion of a year without your husband - yes, he will leave your ass without hardly a word. But by August 12, 2009 you will also be so thankful for the joy that entered your life. You never would have believed that housemates would be a good situation for you but it is so great having C and L around! Also, you will spend this terrorversary with a boy - he's nice and fun to be around and tonight we see if he can cook.

.............

It's been a lousy year; the end of my marriage was so painful. But interspersed with sorrow is happiness. I'm so thankful.

.............

Tonight I see this guy for the third time; he's making me dinner. He is fun to be around and if we keep having a good time I'll definitely sleep with him and I'll be so good to him, but I will not confide in him, fall in love with him, need him, or see only him. I'm no longer that kind of girl.

...........

I like to listen to this LOUDLY

11 comments:

CLC said...

Thinking of you and Toren (and crossing my fingers that this guy can cook!)

Bree said...

Love that you've met someone- even if he's not the "one." Can't wait to hear more about it. And, happy to hear your roomies are working out too. I hate that things didn't turn out the way we expected them to. It sucks. And, I wish I had a way to fix it. Sending love to you!

Ya Chun said...

ah, little surprise Toren.

You go girl, just play safe! And I hope he can cook.

angelseashore said...

I wish things could have been different-that Toren was here with you. But I'm so glad that your housemate situation is going well and that you're having good light-hearted fun with your boy. Have fun tonight! You deserve it..

Monique said...

I hope he can cook and is a good kisser - so important. xo

debbie said...

wow, i'm so excited for this new situation. If anyone deserves some good home cooking by a cute boy, it's you!!!

KuKd Chick said...

Nice - I like the " I will not need him or fall in love with him" bit. More power to ya on the sleeping with him, though. I expect a full report back on this blog. :-)

Oh, and I think the concept of projecting thoughts to your future self is intriguing. I'm going to think on that for myself and see if I can concoct a related post.

Sophie said...

Just go with it Anna. If it feels good and he's good to you just bask in it. Have some fun. :)

You sound amazing!

Everyone is hoping that he can cook... I'm hoping his skills are more diverse... ;)

Much love as always. I love this post. You sound different.xxxxoooo

Sara said...

Things are looking up, sweetie. :)

Zil said...

We'll always be shellshocked to some degree - it'll always be an unfathomable loss. But you'll have gains in other parts of your life...your housemates and the new man in your life are examples of this. Toren will always be in your heart, but you have a big heart and others will enter too.

Enjoy your dinner!

janis said...

You've been through a lot and deserve lots of good. *hugs*
Thinking of you and Toren.