Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Monday, August 17, 2009

Ready for a rant?

To the ex:

ASSHOLE!

For fucks sake, what makes you think it is ok to call me at work to talk about the DIY divorce packages you have found on-line and how we have already talked about "everything".

Blink, blink.... excuse me... we have already talked about what? Because from where I sit we haven't talked about one goddamned thing!

Discussing the division of property/debt will be easy, the conversation that seems impossible to have is the one where he says why he suddenly checked out and ripped our life apart with no tangible warning. Yes, we had a very, very bad year but he said he just wanted space ... he said I didn't have to worry, I just had to wait for him to come around again. And yes, we had enormous problems before with all of his fucking I love you's and fucking around on the sly and all of the fucking lies and fucking dumb ass me believing that one day he would understand that it was wrong to cheat on me when he loved me. That he would stop loving me instead of becoming devoted to me never crossed my mind.

Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid Girl.

Why does this hurt? I never believed that he meant "separated", I knew that was his way of saying "divorce". Intellectually, I knew he was never coming back and I knew it would not be smart of me to get back together with him if he asked for it, but part of me still waits for him to truly love me.

How do I wrap my mind around my best friend leaving me?

How do I accept that the years worth of I love you's were untrue without my heart being crushed further?

How do I find a shred of self-respect when I put up with so much and just ended up getting so hurt?

How can I ever believe that other people actually like me when the person I was closest to didn't seem to really like me?

.............

I had a mostly productive day at work ...

18 comments:

Sara said...

Oh Anna, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Those emotions seem really natural to me and I know it's impossible not to beat yourself for being "naive" or whatever, but I wish there was some way I could talk you out of it. I'm just sorry that this is the way it is right now.

Your last line made me smile. :)

Monique said...

Ouch. I'm so sorry - what a crap day. Sending big hugs.

debbie said...

What a dick. Are you kidding me, he called you at work???!!

And let me just say, after being lucky enough to have met you in person, to see how adorable, smart, and beautiful you are, I can assure you Ms. Anna, that him leaving you is entirely his loss, not yours.

ezra'smommy said...

Hugs

angelseashore said...

Ugh! I'm so sorry.. Not to sound cliche but it's him not you. Don't be so hard on yourself. Unfotunately, people change and the man you know now is not the same man you loved and married. You deserve so much more than what he can give you.

Wishing the best for you..

Molly said...

I'm so very sorry, hon. My first marriage ended in divorce and later I remarried. It was with my second husband that I lost my son. I've experienced these two losses separately and know how painful these two events are, together I can only imagine. Please know I'm thinking of you. -M

Sophie said...

Ah fuck...

What a coward. To ring you at work was a cowardly act. He knew you would be in a vulnerable position. Asshole is right.

I'm so sorry he wasn't strong and loving enough to be there for you. I'm so sorry his answer to your loss is to cut you loose. He has failed you there. Utterly.

You deserve so much better than that. So so much better.

xx

Sending anger his way and hugs to you...

janis said...

((hugs))

Catherine W said...

Oh no. You said it already and it starts with an A. Imagine ringing you at work. As Sophie says, what a coward.

You aren't stupid. He's the stupid one. And the spineless one. He must have changed.

I'm terribly sorry. xo

BluebirdSinging said...

Wow - I am so sorry you are having to deal with this right now. And to call you at work - well that's just plain shitty!

Barbara said...

Bah, so sorry you're having to deal with this crap.

I like what Debbie said.

Hugs.

xxx

Bree said...

Rant on, sister! We're here for you.

Ya Chun said...

I don't think he deserves so much of your attention. And he doesn't sound like a best friend to me.

I am sorry he is treating you so badly. He doesn't deserve half of the politeness you are giving back to him.

Zil said...

What a dolt he is - not realizing that he walked away from the best thing that will ever happen to him.

Saying goodbye after all of those years must be difficult - even with all the crappy stuff that occured.

Sending you the strength to move forward without him.

CLC said...

Anna, I wish I could tell you how great you are, how you don't need him, and how much better off you are without him and actually have you believe me. I know you won't. But I will stay say it. You are a wonderful person, you are better off without him, and you don't need him in your life any longer. He is not worthy of you.

caitsmom said...

I'm so sorry. It just sucks.

KuKd Chick said...

Heh heh. I love a good, profanity-filled rant - especially one that employs the brilliant phrase, "for fuck's sake." I don't even KNOW your ex, and I'm totally wanting to throw a chair at him.

Sorry you had sucky week. Argh.

Anonymous said...

I really feel your pain.. My shortest relationship was also the hardest ne to get over. I was showered with words of love and thoughts and gifs and adventures and then when i decided to move to his SDE of town, he disappeared like a ghost. Another door will open, youll see.