Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Friday, August 28, 2009

That doesn't hurt

Breathe! So much progress has been made!

It wasn't an agonizing stab - just a twinge and a subtle tightening in my chest ... it has to suck to be exhausted from feeding your child during the night and working full time during the day but it makes my head spin to hear complaints of how this woman's husband is not open to taking over some night feedings. It's hard to hear of feeding a baby as a chore when so many other people would consider it a luxury.

...........

Earlier this week, while in the shower worrying about getting intimate with boys because I'm heavier than I like, the usual "I don't like my body" thought was immediately followed by "I actually DO like my body!".

And I do! There are parts that don't conform to what is advertised as desirable but if I didn't worry about other people judging my shape I'd be rather satisfied with my appearance and my weight wouldn't be something I'd worry over much.

There still have been a few times since then where I've felt that familiar shame and even wondered if I should apologize - I'm sorry these tiny breasts aren't perkier. I'm sorry about the squishy tummy, it used to be so tight before Toren came and died and now I'm still so tired.

Body image is so complex! Any thoughts? Have you embraced your shape or any other features that could be considered "flaws"?

............

I'm seeing someone exclusively now; exactly one of the things I said I would never do. Why? Because I want to spend my free time with him, he's really nice to me, I have a good time with him, and most of the time I feel very comfortable around him - which is amazing since I'm so often uncomfortable.

You know how some walls must be lowered in order to get to know someone better? That is terrifying. When he says something sweet I tend to revert to a joke or silence. I can't really hear what he says because it's so hurtful to find out you've been lied to and it's so hurtful when true sentiments one day take an about face. Funny how kind words and gestures are so painful right now.

............

Another baby boy was born to a colleague.

A young woman at the nail salon asked what the date on my necklace signified and I told her the truth. She asked some thoughtful questions and I gently told her about his death and the end of my marriage - gently because I felt bad telling someone so young how sad life can become.

I wear the necklace everyday to work but no one here has ever asked about it.

This has been an incredibly unusual week.

7 comments:

Lachlan's Mum said...

I'm still coming to terms with my post-partum body. It does feel incredibly unfair to have this body, full with c-section scar and stretch marks, but no baby to show for it.

I'm so happy for you that you found a sweet man to spend time with.

Meg said...

So happy to hear you have a man who makes you happy and who you want to spend time with. I'm sure he's happy with your body. And the fact that you are is very good, indeed. But, I think that every woman, no matter how perfect, isn't completely happy with their body. Sounds like you're getting there. :-)

And, yeah.....complaining about a live baby? Get over yourself lady! Especially around you! Maybe she doesn't know what you've been through? Let's hope that's it, because if she knows and still complained?....unforgivable.

Reba said...

what a coincidence...i was just starting a post that touches on the night feedings thing (sort of) and decided to read other people's thoughts instead.

people often tell me they like my necklaces--one is a mother's necklace with a pink and blue gemstone, the other is a peapod with 5 peas (2 yellow for the twins, 3 white for the rest of us). but no one has ever asked about them.

i'm happy to hear you found someone you enjoy spending time with, who is nice and sweet to you.

caitsmom said...

I didn't pay much attention to my body after Caitlin died, but I've been doing better the past 6 months. I had to grieve long enough to start caring again.

(((hugs))) to you and your sweet man.

BluebirdSinging said...

I am happy for you and glad that you have found a nice person to spend some time with!

As for the body image thing...I was a little overweight before Maya and still am - I weigh the same now as I did before. It's just shaped different now. Kinda like a deflated muffin top on my stomach. I have lost some weight in other places though. The running is helping - physically and emotionally.

I have a necklace too. It's a silver locket that opens with Mayas picture on one side and her name and birth date engraved the other. There is a compartment in the back that holds some of her ashes. No one at work ever asked about it. One time though, the cashier at the cafeteria at work asked "who's in the locket?" I simply replied - my daughter. I wonder what she would have thought if I had explained to her that part of my daughter is literally in the locket...

Sorry for the rambling comment. Sending much love...

Sophie said...

You want someone that loves you for you, not those few extra kilos round your midsection. He sounds like a lovely guy. I am so happy for you that he is there, and so proud of you for being brave enough to let him be... especially considering how scary this must be for you.

Thinking of you and hoping you're having a 'real good' time. ;)

Sara said...

I'm cheering you on, Anna! So happy that you've found someone to hang out with who treats you well.