Breathe! So much progress has been made!
It wasn't an agonizing stab - just a twinge and a subtle tightening in my chest ... it has to suck to be exhausted from feeding your child during the night and working full time during the day but it makes my head spin to hear complaints of how this woman's husband is not open to taking over some night feedings. It's hard to hear of feeding a baby as a chore when so many other people would consider it a luxury.
Earlier this week, while in the shower worrying about getting intimate with boys because I'm heavier than I like, the usual "I don't like my body" thought was immediately followed by "I actually DO like my body!".
And I do! There are parts that don't conform to what is advertised as desirable but if I didn't worry about other people judging my shape I'd be rather satisfied with my appearance and my weight wouldn't be something I'd worry over much.
There still have been a few times since then where I've felt that familiar shame and even wondered if I should apologize - I'm sorry these tiny breasts aren't perkier. I'm sorry about the squishy tummy, it used to be so tight before Toren came and died and now I'm still so tired.
Body image is so complex! Any thoughts? Have you embraced your shape or any other features that could be considered "flaws"?
I'm seeing someone exclusively now; exactly one of the things I said I would never do. Why? Because I want to spend my free time with him, he's really nice to me, I have a good time with him, and most of the time I feel very comfortable around him - which is amazing since I'm so often uncomfortable.
You know how some walls must be lowered in order to get to know someone better? That is terrifying. When he says something sweet I tend to revert to a joke or silence. I can't really hear what he says because it's so hurtful to find out you've been lied to and it's so hurtful when true sentiments one day take an about face. Funny how kind words and gestures are so painful right now.
Another baby boy was born to a colleague.
A young woman at the nail salon asked what the date on my necklace signified and I told her the truth. She asked some thoughtful questions and I gently told her about his death and the end of my marriage - gently because I felt bad telling someone so young how sad life can become.
I wear the necklace everyday to work but no one here has ever asked about it.
This has been an incredibly unusual week.