Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I have to pee...

... about every 10 to 30 minutes.

No pain.

Almost two years ago a had an asymptomatic UTI which was only diagnosed because my OB's office tested all patients. I was called a day after my first prenatal visit and was prescribed antibiotics. I don't know how long I had had the infection. I had been feeling like crap for weeks but I thought those were pregnancy symptoms, and before the positive pregnancy test I thought I was just under the weather.

Now, I've been under the weather for 2 weeks. Now, my ex is moving out ... my old life is moving further away ... I'm very upset so perhaps I just need to tinkle because I'm ultra nervous.

In case it is just neuroticism I don't want to see a doctor. Also I don't want to say the words "UTI", or hear it discussed, or pee in a cup. I don't want to think about kidneys and bladders. Without a family history of kidney problems, the causes of bilateral renal agensis are still unknown, but two "bad" things happened early in my pregnancy and I suspect one of them is the culprit: was it the UTI or the velamentous cord insertion? Which one killed my son? There has to be a cause!! How come a UTI could be ultimately fatal to a fetus (in this scenario of jumping to conclusions) but if left untreated I doubt I would die? How come people die of stupid things everyday but I can't just fall over lifeless from a broken heart?

I don't know why I get out of bed everyday. Today is just a bad day, other days are bearable.

The water broke for a very pregnant coworker down the hall, I guess she is going to the hospital now.

I'm going to the ladies room.

Would you believe there was then a parade of strollers full of baby boys through my office? Ok, actually it was only one stroller and one tiny baby boy but it felt like more. Today is crushing.


Barbara said...

Bad days bite big time.

Hoping for some better days to come your way.


Bluebird said...

I am sorry you are having a rough day today. I wish things could be different for you. I wish things could be different for all of us...

Sending love and positive thoughts your way :)

Meg said...

Oh AnnaMarie! I am so sorry you are having such a crappy day! I hope you feel better soon. I'm thining of you!!!

angie said...

Oh, AnnaMarie, sorry you are having such a piss-y day. I was going to say crappy, but then puns make me laugh, and I thought you could use a giggle. Still, I'm sorry, these days, the bad ones filled with baby strollers, exes and overanxious bladders, just feel so oppressive when we are already grieving. Thinking of you and wishing I lived closer and could join you for a cocktail after work.


Sara said...

Guh. I hate days like that. Let me ask you this: WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO USE ULTRASOUND PHOTOS AS THEIR FACEBOOK PROFILE PICTURES?!! Jesus. Yesterday was not a great day.

aliza said...

so sorry it's one of those yucky days everything just sucks...why do i get out of bed? i ask myself that question too...hope you can get back in there under the covers soon. i just want to scream at that baby parade...

thinking of you

Sophie said...

Hi Anna,

I so wish I could crawl under the covers sometimes too. Sorry this is such a sucky day for you. I hate those days.


Cara said...

It sounds like your day just needed to be over! A new day, a new chance for less crushing circumstances...here's hoping.

caitsmom said...

UGH. So sorry things have been rough. Makes perfect sense that one carriage is enough for a baby parade. (((((hugs)))))

Lachlan's Mum said...

I know what you mean, there seem to be baby parades everywhere I go these days... Sorry you're having a bad day. :(

CLC said...

I am sorry you had such a bad day. ANd somehow my google reader showed a more recent post which has since disappeared. I am sorry you have to hear people make that statement. How could they know what they would do? It's not like you made the decision easily. I chalk it up to naive stupidity on their part. Sorry you have to be around so many stupid people.

Reba said...

big big big (((hugs)))

i'm sorry today was today.

Ya Chun said...

Go to the doctor!

Sorry that a finality of your marriage is taking place. I hope you get through it ok.

I don't know where your other post went, but it was in my reader. I think people that blurt out statements with an all-knowing certainty lack empathy, compassion, and the ability to REALLY mentally put themselves into the situation.


Zil said...

Even though I have been out of blog-land for a while, I've been thinking of you.

Every pregnancy resulted in multiple UTIs for me - so I also have that association. Not sure how I'll manage to get a PAP this year since that'll bring back not so fond memories as well.

As for the baby in the office thing, that just stinks. Sorry it's been a bad day.