Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Lunch date postponed :(

And I look cute today... at least cute for my new old, bitter, and broken self. I have aged so much in the past year and a half. I feel too old to be successful at starting my life over.

I'd like to go hit the punching bag but my nose is running too much (stupid cold). I'd spend too much time wiggling in and out of the gloves, alternating throwing punches and blowing my nose.

Earlier this week I agreed to pick my ex up from the airport with just hours notice (even though I requested a days notice). I didn't have much to say and couldn't speak very loud anyway with my sore throat. He didn't have much to say either. He made himself right at home in my little car by using the cigarette lighter to charge his phone, then he kept busy by texting and talking on the phone. And I remembered how much I've always hated that! I'd forgotten that it was usual for him to text other people while with me. Like I was invisible.

Since he has been in the house again I can't sleep. For the past week or so I haven't been taking traz0d0ne (since I suspect it makes me too groggy in the mornings) and I've been SLEEPING! Sleeping without listening to meditations on my iPod all night even! But for the last two nights I've needed the iPod on, and sleep has been very restless.

I feel sad, but something is different. I'm almost feeling stronger. It's like I'm one breath away from ... a new way of thinking ... a mental shift ... a scrap of positive self esteem perhaps ...

That's all. I just wanted to let you know why a date report was not going to be given.


Sara said...


And I love this new strength you're feeling! I reeeeeally wish there was a way for him to move the hell out of that house. That seems like it would help...

Sophie said...

:( about your date being postponed. I hope you will feel even cuter the next time!

And I completely agree with Sara. How wonderful that you are feeling this strength coming on. Just beautiful!

Ya Chun said...

That sucks that your date was postponed! boohiss!

That ex sounds like a piece of work. I totally wouldnt pick hi up next time. You wouldn't be like that to anyone else picking you up as a FAVOR! You are a big-hearted and strong lady - I would be little and not even have answered the phone with the request!

And he isn't out of the house yet?????

Meg said...

I hope you're date goes well next time :) Too bad it was postponed.

And I am so glad to hear that you are feeling some strength! Maybe enough strength to kick the ex out of the house? He's disrupting your sleep and everything.

I wish good things for you!!!!!

angie said...

darn! (about the date.)
you deserve a date where you feel beautiful, charming and visible. are you going to meet up another time?

and your ex...can i growl at him? grrrrrrrr...watch yourself, or next time, you're sleeping at the airport, buster.


angelseashore said...

I'm medicated to get some shut-eye too. Good stuff, eh? Sorry about your lunch date and even sorrier that your ex is around. Boo Hiss again.. But I am very happy to hear that you're feeling stronger.