Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

On and on...

After loading the groceries into the trunk and running the cart over to the corral I sat down into the seat of the little car with a sigh and thought "He's dead". Then I realized I am always thinking that. How many times does that run through my head in a day? 100? 200?

He's dead.
He died.
Toren died.
My baby is dead.
He is dead.
He is dead.
Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, on and on, all day long.

Truly, brain chants related to dying are probably not helping me.



I wonder if I can change it to "love".

I miss him because I love him.
His absence hurts because I love him.
I remember looking at him on the ultrasound screen and I loved that.
I remember telling my parents about him and them loving him instantly.
I loved him during every moment we were together.
I love him still.
I love him.
I love him.
I love him.
love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, and on and on...

9 comments:

Sara said...

Right there with you. Sometimes my chants are even uglier. It's so hard to turn your brain around...

Ya Chun said...

love love love

janis said...

((Annamarie))
love love love

Sophie said...

Sounds like a great idea. I might try that as well.

love love love

angie said...

yes. i don't know why i never thought that, turning the "my daughter is dead" mantra into "my daughter is love." that is so beautiful. thank you, anna, thank you.

Cara said...

Anna Marie - I'm 8 years out and occasionally the 'deads' still get me. More common is the overwhelming disbelief that she acually died...that things like that can and do happen...and that it happened to us.

xoxo - thinking of you...

Meg said...

Wow. This is beautiful. He was truly loved and still is. Absolutely beautiful.

Reba said...

what a positive way to turn that chant we all have into something sweet and loving.

my interior chant is/was "i lost them. i lost the twins. i had twins and i lost them." lost, lost, lost. i like love, love, love so much better.

Lut C. said...

Popped over from the crème de la crème list.

Internal chants can be so draining. Very inspirational, how you attempt to turn yours around.

I'm so sorry for your loss.