Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Unhappy

Expressing anger comes up in therapy a lot. My therapists encourage me to get mad and say what's on my mind instead of suppressing all sorts of negativity.

I was working from home when my ex dropped by unannounced in the middle of the day. After all of the discussion in therapy about standing up for myself and expressing when I'm angry with him all I can manage to do is mumble a few random sentences before starting to cry.

Yup, CRY!

And then smoke half a cigarette (first one in months). And then hide under the covers in bed for two hours wishing that the mattress would just absorb me into it, wishing for my heart to simply stop.

How is it that even when I'm at my least eloquent here in this blog, I can manage a "fuck you" but when it comes to speaking with a person I've known for half of my life, when it comes to speaking my truth, I become speechless?

...........

What if I never become able to handle my life again?

It hasn't been a good week, and that is coming from someone who doesn't have high expectations.

............

Sorry I haven't been commenting as much as normal; I'm reading all of your posts but just am feeling quiet. I love all of the cards I received! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

14 comments:

Lachlan's Mum said...

Sorry you're having such a bad week. I'm also feeling very quiet at the moment...

janis said...

((hugs))
I'm sorry it's been so rough.

angie said...

((hugs))

Ya Chun said...

(((hugs)))

is your ex still living there?

Hope you find a glimmer of happiness soon.

kay said...

((((Hugs))))
My cards are on the way.
Try not to be too hard on yourself,
It does take quite awhile to stand up to the ex, it took me a long long time, and now after nearly 7 years I am so strong towards him, which of course he doesn't like, but just remember you only have to look after yourself AND NOT HIM OR HOW HE IS FEELING OR REACTING!!!!
I'm so sorry to hear your having such a rough week.
xoxoxoxo

debbie said...

hugs from me too.
so sorry this week has been so shitty.

On another note, I'm coming out your way in June for a training. Let's try and get together!

Summer said...

I'm sorry things are going to rough. I hate the missed oppurtunities to say how you feel, but there will be other oppurtunities in the future. My thoughts are with you.

Sophie said...

Sorry you're having a rough week. I hope one day you'll be able to express your anger to your ex but I understand that its just too hard now.

I've been too sick to get you a card, Anne, but its coming soon, I promise.

For what it's worth I think you'll handle your life just fine. You are far stronger than you realise. One step at a time.

xx

Reba said...

hugs and hoping you get some happiness soon

Meg said...

i think when the time is right, you'll unload on him and it'll feel so good! he hasn't considered your feelings in how he's treated you, so don't worry about his when the time comes. you'll do great!

I'm so sorry you're having a rough week. hope it gets better. ((hugs))

aliza said...

'what if i never become able to handle my life again'.

i can relate to this, i've been so unhappy too. 9 months of unhappiness. it's hard to live this way.

sending you love
i'm with you

ezra'smommy said...

The anger is so hard for me to express too, I'm working on it in therapy too, not easy work. wishing you gentle moments ahead.

CLC said...

I am sorry it's so hard. Hoping the last few days have been better.

angelseashore said...

boo and a hiss to your ex who dropped by without warning. I hope that you will find moments of joy today.

Hugs..