After loading the groceries into the trunk and running the cart over to the corral I sat down into the seat of the little car with a sigh and thought "He's dead". Then I realized I am always thinking that. How many times does that run through my head in a day? 100? 200?
He's dead.
He died.
Toren died.
My baby is dead.
He is dead.
He is dead.
Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, on and on, all day long.
Truly, brain chants related to dying are probably not helping me.
I wonder if I can change it to "love".
I miss him because I love him.
His absence hurts because I love him.
I remember looking at him on the ultrasound screen and I loved that.
I remember telling my parents about him and them loving him instantly.
I loved him during every moment we were together.
I love him still.
I love him.
I love him.
I love him.
love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, and on and on...
9 comments:
Right there with you. Sometimes my chants are even uglier. It's so hard to turn your brain around...
love love love
((Annamarie))
love love love
Sounds like a great idea. I might try that as well.
love love love
yes. i don't know why i never thought that, turning the "my daughter is dead" mantra into "my daughter is love." that is so beautiful. thank you, anna, thank you.
Anna Marie - I'm 8 years out and occasionally the 'deads' still get me. More common is the overwhelming disbelief that she acually died...that things like that can and do happen...and that it happened to us.
xoxo - thinking of you...
Wow. This is beautiful. He was truly loved and still is. Absolutely beautiful.
what a positive way to turn that chant we all have into something sweet and loving.
my interior chant is/was "i lost them. i lost the twins. i had twins and i lost them." lost, lost, lost. i like love, love, love so much better.
Popped over from the crème de la crème list.
Internal chants can be so draining. Very inspirational, how you attempt to turn yours around.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
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