Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

I told my mom that I was having more fertility testing done and she was very surprised and pleased.  She thinks I'm having a baby.  She said something interesting though, that she didn't know that I wanted to have a child.  For me, it's been YEARS of waiting (that whole divorce and find a new partner bit) and trying, and YEARS of disappointment and worry and feeling sad.  Apparently I make it look easy!  So to her it probably feels like we haven't even tried at all yet, so certainly there will be a baby with just a little bit of effort.  To me it feels like the road is narrowing and just around the bend it may stop completely.

I never told her that I changed my mind about having children (since I didn't) and she never asked about it, through years and years.  We don't talk very often though and I have only visited her 3 times in the past 6 years.  Not a word has been breathed to anyone else in my family.  I guess I want fewer witnesses to this potential failure.  I guess I didn't feel very supported by them concerning Toren.  My family members would always donate to my March for Babies fundraising but never asked about it after I stopped doing the walk.  They probably think I'm "over it" when what I'm over is feeling miserable walking along with all of the people and their rainbow babies while wondering where mine is.

Anyway... it's nice to know that SnuggleBunny and my mom feel positive about how these upcoming appointments will turn out.  I'm very nervous and upset and have hardly been able to focus on anything for two weeks, which shows. 

Here's a list of things I'm thankful for during this time:
* People being positive for me
* Roller coasters (weather permitting, I'll be going back to the amusement park this weekend for more screaming)
* Gardens
* Budding irises 
* Birds building nests and singing, singing, singing!
* Dinner with girlfriends
* Cooking, cramming as many vegetables into meals as I can
* Eating by candle light, in the dining room and out on the patio 
* Pregnancy safe skin treatments that are showing great potential (until this lousy PMS breakout anyway)
* And even ridiculous ex-husbands for providing distractions and stories to laugh over with girlfriends

CD3 will probably be on Monday so more information about if I'm producing any eggs is less than a week away.


Sara said...

Crossing my fingers for your CD3 results. Lots and lots of good eggs!

Sophie said...

Thinking of you and sending positive energy. xx

reba alice said...

when my ex and i did fertility treatments, we waited until we had basically given up hope before telling our parents and friends that we had even been trying to have a baby. at that point, we were about a year and a half into our journey. we had so been hoping to just surprise them with the easy-seeming news: we're having a baby! but instead it turned out much differently. anyway, everyone pretty much reacted like your mom did--they were so excited that we were trying that they pretty much heard "we're having a baby!" instead of "we've gone through a lot and we don't think it's going to happen, but we wanted you to know."

i hope you get good news on CD3 :)

Alexicographer said...

Combining fertility testing and roller coasters seems a little redundant ;) . Though at least it implies some ups, as well as those darn heart-stopping downs (not a fan of roller coasters, literal or figurative, here).

Thanks for your email re my silly last joke in the comments! And here's hoping your ride forward goes boringly smoothly and steadily in the fertility testing world, and has a many precipitous peaks, drops, and turns as your heart desires when it comes to real roller coasters!

E said...

So good to hear you are moving forward with trying for another baby. Sending lots of positive energy your way and hoping for a BFP!