Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Update on infertility testing

Have I mentioned that my new therapist is hilarious?  She talks A LOT for a therapist and bosses me around, rather opposite of professionals I've talked with in the past who made me get to the conclusions myself.  It doesn't sound like a good situation but it's working for me and I'm learning so much.  We talk about assertiveness and sometimes I wonder if she's waiting for me to tell her that it's my turn to talk.  This week I was rambling and said that I completely failed with bringing Toren into this world and she stopped me and expressed how she wants me to stop saying things that indicate that I blame myself in a situation where no one is at fault.  She made me rephrase that sentence ("ok, that pregnancy was a complete failure", which satisfied her enough) before we could move on. 

As juvenile as that exercise seemed, I feel better.  I keep looking for a cause or a reason and there are none known.  But that doesn't mean it was my fault and even if I did do something that caused his internal organs not to grow, causing him harm was certainly never my intent.

So I'm not going to tell you that I completely failed with my cycle day 3 lab work and ultrasound...

The sonographer was nice and said she would talk me through what she was viewing on the screen and made a couple of jokes about situations where something surprising is found and things get quiet and the doctor is fetched right away.  I can't remember how she phrased it, but she was funny and cute and relaxed me a little, even while I was thinking about how I am one of those people where a surprise was found via ultrasound and the sonographer stopped talking and the doctor was called right away and that moment was the start down a very sad and life changing path. 

With wand in place, she asked me if I was still bleeding...
Me: "Well yes, but it has stopped for right now.  I think worrying about this test has scared it away."
Tech:  "You also exercise a lot..."
Me:  "You can tell from my uterus?"
Tech:  "I read your chart."
So we had another laugh.  I guess she was saying that exercising could disrupt my cycle.  She asked because there was fluid in my uterus.  Bleeding never did re-commence, which is very unusual for me and I will probably mention it before getting the HSG tomorrow.

Things did turn quiet during the test though and at the end she showed me a few images of my ovaries, each of which has a cyst.  A few hours later I received a call explaining that my lab work came back odd - as in uninterpretable.  Estradiol was 215 (while I don't know the specific reference range for the lab used, a range I found on the internet is 11-212) and FSH was 2.11 (in November FSH was 12.5, I don't think that huge drop is due to taking CoQ10).  On the phone I was told that a cyst can cause odd hormone levels.  I need to repeat all of the CD3 tests next month.

Of course I did some (ill advised) internet research and learned (maybe correctly, who knows!) that a high estradiol value can indicate a cyst, which I know is present, and the estradiol can inhibit FSH, which looks like that is happening.  High estradiol and very low FSH can also indicate ovarian failure, which is also probably happening. 

I'm having the HSG and kept my appointment in early May to discuss the results, even though we will probably just discuss how the cysts are interfering with things and no plan for infertility treatment will be discussed.  SnuggleBunny and I agreed to do all of the testing because even if it turns out to be a waste of time and money at least we would have explored it entirely and will not wonder about what might have happened if only we had done this or that test.  I'm doing these tests not to get a baby but to avoid regrets.

I spoke with my chiropractor, because he listens to me and considers my body as a whole and he did some tests for my adrenals, worrying that they were overtaxed from prolonged stress.  My adrenal glands do seem to be functioning well enough but I'm now taking a new supplement to promote adrenal health anyway since the vitamins won't hurt anything and it makes me feel like I'm doing SOMETHING other than just waiting to see what the cysts do over the next month.

I guess *I* didn't fail the CD3 tests... but they all need to be re-done.  Instead of getting closer to answers something unexpected was discovered which needs to be addressed first.  It is frustrating.


Sara said...

Well, I'm sorry the tests weren't clearer. It's great that you're covering all your bases and getting it all done. Crossing my fingers for you, as usual. xoxoxo

Kristin said...

Hoping and praying you get a clearer answer when the tests are redone.

Sophie said...

Hope the next lot of tests give you clearer information.

I like your therapist... You know I don't know what caused Jordan's brain damage. I have some really ridiculous things on my list of what I could possibly have done to cause it. After my pregnancy with Jazz it seems more likely to have been a blood pressure thing but they will never know. I will never really know. And I have to accept that. I like your therapist for helping you choose a different way of thinking about it. Someone once told me to "be kind to myself" after some pretty sad blog posts I wrote... and now, whenever I feel myself 'going there' I hear these words loud and clear and change direction. We loved our babies. That they aren't with us will always hurt.

I loved seeing that photo of you and Snugglebunny on facebook today. xx