Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

This morning I missed the train by 30 seconds.  Waiting for the train happens most of the time (it's rare to arrive at the platform just when the train does) and it's a good time to read or listen to music, but I still hate watching the train pull away.  It feels like a big deal.  This morning I almost audibly swore and wanted to fling my purse and lunch bag around.  I sat down on a bench in a huff (hey, at least there are available seats when the platform is empty) but then quickly settled into listening to the radio.  When the next train arrived, it pulled up slowly, we all squished on, the doors closed, then nothing happened.  Through the train windows, I could see the platform filling up with new people.  We rolled forward a few yards, then stopped, then slowly forward for a short distance, then stopped again, over and over for the miles until the next station.  I eyed the emergency door release handle with delusions of walking along the track to my stop.

I crave control.


Last week's HSG could not have gone better.  I took 800mg of ibuprofen an hour before the appointment, as recommended.  The nurse was amazing and explained what was going to happen before, during, and after the procedure.  The doctor was very gentle and with a soft voice gave warnings of "some pressure is coming, breathe deeply".  There was a bit of cramping, but nothing like what I was anticipating (not even worse than menstrual cramps - thank you ibuprofen!), and it was over in just a couple of minutes.  Everything looked fine and my tubes are open.  I felt fine afterwards but did feel a little achy later in the afternoon after the ibuprofen wore off and after an eventful trip home (more on that in a second).  Finishing the course of antibiotics sucked and I dragged myself around for the rest of the week trying to look like I felt ok.  I'm still bleeding though and my uterus is grumpy, which makes me worried but since it's not necessarily painful I'll give it another day or so before freaking out.

SB went in for a semen analysis last Friday; we don't have the results yet.  By the way, he has been fantastic about coming with me to my appointments!  He isn't needed there but he is coming along to be supportive and it's really touching.  I'll probably go to the next CD3 one alone because I know what to expect now.  The follow-up appointment with the RE has been postponed until early June so that I can re-do the CD3 tests.  Hopefully the cysts will show signs of improvement.

I feel so strongly about all that is going on that I feel nothing, if that makes any sense.


Here's some exciting news though!  I took the day off from work for the HSG and since I felt fine afterwards I told SB to go ahead and drive to work and I would take transit home.  I got off the train before my stop, went to the courthouse, and FILED MY NAME CHANGE PAPERWORK!  To recap, after my ex-husband left, it took over two years to get him to sign the divorce paperwork.  At that time I could have returned to my maiden name for free, however, I didn't feel maiden-like at all so I decided to wait until I could afford the filing fees to get a different last name.  But I was trying not to lose my house for a couple of years, which ultimately didn't work but now with my fantastically cheap rent I can finally afford the court fees and the many fees involved in changing everything that documents "me" (drivers license, social security, bank stuff, I will keep my birth certificate as it is since that was the name my parents gave their baby, which is too sweet to change).

I've been sort of nameless for over 4 years, not feeling like I "belonged" with my ex-husbands family and not feeling like I still "belonged" to my father's family.  The more I thought about it, the more I hated the idea of females being named as a form of ownership.  Changing to your husbands name seems very romantic at the time but after a marriage ends who are you then?  My ex-husbands family hasn't spoken with me in years - I'm not one with them anymore.  My parents are divorced and have different last names from each other, so the family I was born into isn't as it was (the woman who shares my Dad's last name now is just 13 years older than me, go Dad!).  And my marriage was like a lifetime and at the end of it I was a very different person from the girl who excitedly practiced writing out her future married name.

After my husband left, I asked people to call me the nickname I have used on and off since adolescence (my legal name is often mispronounced which made me so embarrassed when I was a hopelessly shy youngster).  For years and years I would introduce myself as "Anna" and then people picked up on my legal name (ok, it's Deanna... but not for long!) because that is what my husband called me.  After we separated, I dramatically thought that I never wanted to be called the name he used for me again, but I also kind of thought I would settle down and get over that.  However, now my family and friends call me Anna (there are just a few clueless acquaintances who can't seem to remember) and I'm only called Deanna at work or in situations where a legal name is needed, and the name I was never really attached to has started to sound foreign.

What my name would be has received a great deal of thought.  I thought I had it nailed down early in April but it wasn't quite right... and really, all along I suspected that I wouldn't have it fully figured out until I filled out that part of the forms while at the courthouse.  I actually figured it out 9 days earlier and the day I wrote it on the forms I smiled to myself (and every single person around!), totally excited that I was actually going through with it.

It's a pretty fantastic name.  All four parts are completely feminine!  The last name is not popular and has no major attachments (that I can find, especially how it is spelled) to people or places.  It's a little otherworldly, and that, accompanied with a change of my first name, means I'll probably get some questions about it, which I don't look forward to but can handle.  I told SB about it afterwards and he asked what last name I chose but he didn't ask about the entire thing so he doesn't know it yet.  I feel shy about it still and I'm worried that it won't be approved (not for any tangible reasons, just because I want it so badly).  I am not practicing my signature yet.

Most people won't notice since I don't use my legal name for any social purposes anyway and I'm changing to my social first name.  It will be hard to get work colleagues used to it but that can't be harder than getting my parents and siblings to call me by a different name.  It should be about 8 weeks until it's official.

That was way more than I expected to say about that!  Back to the original topic, it took hours to get everything properly filed so by the time I got home (another train ride, a bus ride, and a walk later) I was tired, hungry and dehydrated and spent the remainder of my HSG test day resting :)


Sara said...

Go you!!! So glad the HSG went well and you got the naming stuff sorted out. And that SB has been so supportive! Wonderful all around. :)

reba alice said...

Cool! I didn't know your legal name was different. I like Deanna but I wouldn't have thought of you as that name. When do we get to find out what your new full name is?

Very glad the HSG went well! I think I bled like a light period for a few days after mine.

I think they told me you can be more fertile for a few months following the HSG since everything is "cleaned out." Fingers crossed for you and SB. :)