Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Monday, May 13, 2013

This gets filed under "you can't make this stuff up".  I did end up calling my doctor's office on Friday because the bleeding was starting to get heavier and learned that sometimes an HSG can trigger early menstrual bleeding (which was indeed confirmed over the weekend) and to call back on Tuesday.  So today is CD4, after an 18 day cycle.  I doubt there has been enough time to see much difference in the size of the cysts (it feels like the big one is still there) and I seriously doubt my hormone levels will make any sense after that short of a cycle.  I'll give the office a call tomorrow but I think the repeat of the CD3 tests have been pushed back another month.

You know, my uterus behaves pretty normally EXCEPT when anyone pays attention to it.  Maybe it's lucky that specialists are looking at it right now - maybe the menstrual irregularities would have happened anyway and maybe the cysts will need attention when I wouldn't have known about them without the infertility testing. 

I'm trying not to feel defeated.

That being said, Saturday was kind of rough.  Regardless of the wonky hormone levels and cysts, I was still hoping that a healthy egg was released and that those open tubes encouraged fertilization and a safe journey to a ready uterus (even though I was concerned about there not being much of a lining with the post-HSG bleeding).  Any far-fetched conception is surely washed away now.  On Saturday I took it easy and did some self-care by taking a long nap and riding roller coasters in the evening to get out some screams.

Sunday was filled with plans of yoga class, meeting up with friends at a festival and visiting with SnuggleBunny's mom - plenty of fun things.  Then I was bleeding too heavily for yoga and it started to feel like there was just so much to do - that the house was too messy, that bills were late, that there was grocery shopping to do, a new diet and fitness plan to prepare for, potential work changes... it felt like everything was a disaster and that I was failing at every part of life. 

My washing machine is sort of my arch nemesis.  It is perpetually off balance and will start hopping around, banging against the walls and floor with this loud THU THUNK THU THUNK THU THUNK and not only does it make you feel like losing your mind from the noise, if you don't balance out the laundry (sometimes I have to remove items and spin things in small batches) the clothes will be dripping wet at the end so you have to spin it again anyway.  So there I was, feeling like everything was a mess, and walking to the laundry room, adjusting the clothes, going back to getting dressed, then a minute later the thumping starts again, and on my third trip to the washer (with SnuggleBunny following saying that he would take care of it, because we trade off when it gets too frustrating) it all felt like too much and SnuggleBunny entered the laundry room just as I was pounding on the washer lid screaming "FUUUUUUUCK!".

We canceled most of our plans and went directly to the wonderful appliance store (all used and refurbished items) where we got our amazing dryer from last year.  The new-to-us washer will be delivered on Thursday (and the old one will be taken away for them to repair and sell/use for parts/deal with).  Then to address achy backs from our old mattress I bought a thick, foam mattress pad to ease some pain while we save up for a new mattress.  SB is quite astute and later said that he didn't think the washer was the real problem and we talked about it, and laughed about it, and now we have a ridiculous story about the time I physically assaulted a washing machine. 

SB knows how to calm me down and make me feel like I am heard and that I matter.  I was so relaxed by evening time that when I called my Mom for Mother's Day her comments didn't sting so bad.  And I finally realized that she is kinder when I have no good news, but this time I told her about buying some new stuff for the house and the upcoming positive changes career wise before talking about the latest with the infertility testing.  She is incessantly very broke (part of it is unfortunate circumstances and part is not taking action to get out of her situation) and hates her job; she told me about how her ovarian cyst grew bigger instead of shrinking and surgery was required and her whole ovary was removed and the call ended with her telling me that maybe next year I will be a mother for Mother's Day.  Maybe she wouldn't have said those things if I hadn't talked about my new washing machine.

Anyway, the new mattress pad is amazing!  And please feel free to bring over your laundry once the new machine arrives ;)


Kristin said...

Glad you solved the washing machine problem and that the mattress pad is helping.

It sucks that your body is playing games with you though.

reba alice said...

hey anna...

i was thinking of you yesterday. i didn't make it on blogs or FB and was wishing i had your # so i could just text you and say hi. (tomorrow i am getting a real phone that should be able to do FB though. yay.)

i'm sorry that happened. :( don't discount a surprise this cycle, though. remember what i said about the hsg cleaning everything out and making you more fertile for a while...

can you tell me about your amazing mattress pad?? my mattress is elderly (it is 13 years old) and my back and legs ache when i wake up. i can't afford a new mattress either.

Alexicographer said...

Oh, our washing machine does that and while it doesn't sound as determined as yours -- usually one rebalance addresses the issue -- I relate to the aggravation of that thunk-thunk-thunk.

@Reba Alice, I added a 3-inch egg shell style memory foam topper (bought relatively cheap @ Overstock) to a very uncomfortable mattress and it made a huge difference. I had started trying to improve matters with a thinner memory foam topper and while that helped, the help was minimal. The 3" one has made a big difference.