Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, April 4, 2013

RE appointment

On Monday was my first appointment at a fertility clinic.  Even though I haven't done fertility treatments yet, it still feels like family building has been a long road and I'm so tired.  My hopes were way down after the results from last November (AMH < 0.16, and I don't remember the FSH value but it was not pretty) and since I can't afford anything super expensive right now (like IVF with donor eggs) I was mentally prepared for a conversation about things to try in a year, after I've saved some money and decided which direction to go.  When considering donor eggs versus adoption, I lean towards adoption; I don't see ever being able to afford adoption (or anything else ever again) after failed IVF cycles.  Also my pregnancies have been the opposite of enjoyable experiences and it would be a relief to never even risk going through something like that again.

All of that rambling is to say that I was expecting to hear that I had few options and was prepared to ask for a birth control prescription so at least so other hormonal issues could be corrected (worsening adult acne and headaches).  However, my doctor said while AMH is a marker for ovarian reserve she has seen cases where it wasn't as bad as the lab values looked.  So we are doing more testing and the plan goes like this:

1.  Day 3 ultrasound to count follicles plus another hormone panel for me, and a semen analysis for SB.  If it looks like there are some eggs and sperm to work with then...

2.  HSG to make sure there are no problems there before trying any treatments, and the chances of conception can be increased for several months following a HSG.  My doctor described it as "crampy" and doctors always downplay how much things hurt so I'm not doing this test unless it looks like fallopian tubes will be useful in our situation.

3.  Follow-up appointment in early May to figure out what we are going to do.

It took a day for the post-appointment grumpiness (I'm so ready to get out of family building limbo) to turn into a more positive feeling.  Now I'm just swinging back and forth between being excited to have a baby (ha!), and frustration because I'd like to know what future to prepare for, and sorrow because there's the potential for more heartbreak.

I don't see a baby coming out of this but I'm doing everything asked of me by cutting out all caffeine and NSAIDS (did you know a bit of inflammation is necessary for the egg to pop out of the follicle and anti-inflammatory meds can inhibit that?), keeping up with vitamins and supplements (added an omega-3), and seeing my dermatologist to see if there's a non-retinoid medication that could help me.  And instead of being angry with my body I'm taking time every day to relax and do something enjoyable (lots of yoga and kickboxing!) - I am going to be good to myself through this stressful time!


I'm meeting with my therapist later today and even though I chose her because one of her specialties is PTSD treatment it's still hard to talk about pregnancy with her.  It's weird.  It's so hard to talk about pregnancy or Toren with anyone outside of here.


Kate said...

Glad you got some answers you weren't expecting! I had a HSG and it is SUPER crampy, but seriously just for about a minute or two (maybe less) and then it's over (I promise). I did take the afternoon off and laid around and watched movies, but really probably could have gone back to work, I just didn't want to. I had some spotting after it, but nothing major. So, yes, super strong period-like cramps during the procedure, but I swear to you, it's over before you know it... at least it was for me--just listen to the nurse for the pre-HSG instructions. They tell you take Motrin or Advil or something--listen to them. I think that was was helped me!

Sara said...

As usual we are so on the same page, Anna. I'm SO done with this family-building bullshit, even though I've barely begun. Ugh. Most days I have zero hope that any of this will work yet I move forward anyway. I'm so glad you seem to have more options than you thought you would. Hoping so hard for both of us to get off this roller coaster sooner rather than later.

Monique said...

I had an HSG and it wasn't that bad - honest. Crampy but bearable and over before you know it. And I did become pregnant (w/Clomid) about 2 months after I had the procedure.

Good luck with your decision and hoping you have some bright days ahead.

Jenn said...

RE appointment is a big step. I hope your further testing yields positive results!

Totally understand your emotions regarding moving forward with family building. It's such a crapshoot for us that it's really hard to feel positive about it sometimes, even when we're taking steps in the right direction.

Hoping things go well for you.

Anita K said...

Hi! Long time no blogging for me.

Love your photo at the top. I am glad to read that you and yours are at the point of wanting a family (probably old news). I am sorry to hear that you are having fert. issues. Why can nothing be easy??

I hope you can find a way to talk to your therapist about all the stages of pregnancy and what memories and worries you tie to it - it is so pervasive and important and that thread winds through our lives in a way that it does not for others.

-Ya Chun