I don't need to tell y'all how things can always get worse ... I'm not going to get into yesterdays financial "surprise" because I know something will work out and keep me from being totally screwed, and even if nothing works out I'll only be totally screwed temporarily. Anyhoo, all I wanted to do last night was come home to my quiet house, have dinner, light candles, relax, sit with Jizo, and hope for a solution - instead my ex was there. This was the second night he has been home for the evening since telling me how he didn't love me and such, so it doesn't happen very often. I made dinner, offered him some, and ate in my room.
Today is moving day. Not from the house but around in the house.
We bought a 3 bedroom house so that we had a bedroom together, and he had an office, and I had a room to be a girl in. My room is being cleared out so it can be rented out. He is moving his clothes out of the closet in our old room (now just my bedroom) into his office where he has been sleeping.
It's been hard to find a space to feel comfortable in these past few months and I haven't even felt safe and at peace in my girl room. Even though it is no longer a sanctuary it's still surprisingly hard to take it all apart. I won't get it all emptied today but in the near future all of the pictures of victorian women and ballerina's, old pointe shoes, flowers, tiara's, and pretty nicknacks, will be taken down. I know I can put it all in my new room but I'm not sure ...
This has been a week of getting things done that were a long time in coming. A week among months that are about addressing things that have needed to be addressed for a long time.
I know this sounds whiney. I just tend to resist change and all of the going through drawers and moving furniture, is moving me further away from the life I wanted. The ballerina's, dancing shoes, and prettiness would have been easily boxed away to make room for my son. I just never imagined that my sanctuary that was supposed to turn into a nursery (for Toren or a subsequent baby) would become a room for a stranger.
But there you have it. I'm off to move the furniture in my bedroom in the hope that it will feel less like "our" space and become "my" space.
Thanks for listening.
6 comments:
Hugs to you - I recall the words to a song I used to sing at camp:
"There'll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through." (Joni Mitchell, Circle Game).
I hope that these difficult times are in the rearview mirror soon and your new dreams bring happiness.
This sounds like such an awkward and insufferable situation. :(
I wish you could just walk out and never look back but I know it's not as easy as all that.
Thinking of you.
Wow, that sucks. What makes him think he can come around? What nerve!
And, don't think you sound whiney. I didn't think you were whining at all! You are free to say whatever is on your mind to us. That's why we're here. :) I wish we could help you. And, I'm sorry you're dealing with troubles financially. It's such a hard economic times. Hope thing start looking up for you. Maybe the new roomate will become a great friend? That would be nice. Here's hoping!
Wow, that sucks. What makes him think he can come around? What nerve!
And, don't think you sound whiney. I didn't think you were whining at all! You are free to say whatever is on your mind to us. That's why we're here. :) I wish we could help you. And, I'm sorry you're dealing with troubles financially. It's such a hard economic times. Hope thing start looking up for you. Maybe the new roomate will become a great friend? That would be nice. Here's hoping!
wow, i didn't know you were still living in the same house! this economy is not helping, is it?
and you are not whining. just no smoking, ok?
Ugh ... just ugh. The living situation does sound awful. Here's hoping the new arrangement within the house feels ok, once you get used to it.
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