Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Depression talk - way more personal than is appropriate

By the way, I didn't have a cigarette. I haven't had one since my birthday on February 10, and that was only because I drank so much tequila that I lost all sense of appropriate behavior and smoked a cigarette, danced on the table, lost my panties, was fondled in ... um, yeah ... and returned the kisses of someone's boyfriend.

I haven't had any tequila since then and probably never will again.

Oh, and I'll never return to that restaurant!

So I have quit my 1-3 cigarettes per day habit! Not through will power though. My psychiatrist added li.th.ium to my antidepressant cocktail and now I have no desire to smoke!

I wish the lith.iu.m had been a miracle drug for me as it had for other patients my psychiatrist told me about. Some feelings have been eased, particularly in the early weeks of taking it; I am able to stop an anxiety attack from becoming full blown, which probably explains part of why I don't want to smoke.

The le.xap.ro gives confidence. The traz.o.done mercifully knocks me the fuck out at night.

I see either my therapist or psychiatrist at least once a week, although this is cutting back from what they (and I) think is necessary, but I'm on a tight budget now.

What is missing? Seriously, what is missing? I've been sui.c.idal since November (panic not, for my doctors know this and I don't want to break my mom's heart by killing myself) and it is a really painful way to live. Waking up everyday feels so wrong.

Before moving on to the next set of medications to try (those would be antipsychotics, guess how awesome that makes me feel, but my psychiatrist has seen these be effective for depression because your view of the world can be shifted from being so gloomy), I've been referred to an additional therapist. This Wednesday I'm trying out Brainspotting.

After trying therapy (outpatient and inpatient), medications, affirmations (although half-assed), avoiding alcohol (most of the time now), getting adequate rest, spending time with friends, I'm still incredibly depressed and, by now, resistant to believing that anything will help. But as Wednesday inches closer I'm getting more excited and HOPEFUL.

It's embarrassing feeling this low for this long. I worry that some of my friends are getting frustrated by my avoidance of clubs and large parties. They want to see my happy because they love me, but I just can't do it right. Besides my mom, my family has no idea what the last several months have been like for me. I don't want to deal with pressure to feel better from them.

Even here I feel like a straggler in my cohort of deadbaby mama's. I see others taking the difficult, scary, and well earned steps forward, and I am going backwards. The life I wanted and worked towards moves further away every day.

Cross your fingers for Wednesday, and thanks for listening.


Sara said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone, Anna. The pressure from others to just FEEL BETTER NOW doesn't help, I'm sure.

I just want to remind you that you're going through some true challenges right now. This is not just you and your fucked up brain chemistry. Your whole life has been turned upside down. I say this only because it was hard for me to see it when I was at my lowest point. It wasn't just me being a nutcase - I had real, hard stuff I was dealing with. I know you'll come to a point where things suddenly won't seem so dark and impossible. It will happen. We're all pulling for you.

CLC said...

I am sorry this has been so difficult for you Anna. I think Sara hit the nail on the head- you have endured some very difficult things in the last year, and it would not be easy for anyone to cope with them.
I hope that Wednesday works for you and that soon you won't feel so gloomy all of the time.

Meg said...

Oh Anna. I have been suicidal off and on for about half my life. Different reasons, but I can definitely relate to being that depressed. You're noy crazy! If you step back and look at all you've been through, any ONE thing would be enough to depress you. You've been through so much and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I sincerely hope you get some relief from these feelings. I hope Wednesday helps even a little.
And, as dfor the scene at the outset of this post, you can't change the past, so don't dwell on it. Who hasn't had too much to drink and done stuff they wish they hadn't. At least you took it as a lesson and learned from it. Much more than most people.
AnnaMarie, you're still fighting! You should be proud of yourself. If you can't muster pride right now, just know that I'm proud of you. Take the time you need to heal. You've been through so much. I hope it comes soon for your sake.

Sophie said...

Anna, I know my situation must seem so removed from where you are now. I think you've been through a tremendously difficult time and it's okay to still be struggling. Like Meg said, you're a fighter. You haven't given up even though sometimes you want to. Just keep putting one step in front of the other. I hope that soon it gets easier.

Good luck for Wednesday. I hope it is a positive experience.

Hope said...

I'm so so sorry that you are struggling! I think the pervious commenters have all said what I'm. You have been through so much-it's no wonder that you are feeling depressed!!!! Just remember that there is a reason behind what you are feeling! I hope that your session on Wednesday goes well!
I also want to say that, even though it feels awful to feel so depressed, you need to feel these feelings..don't let anyone pressure you to feel better before you do/want to!
Hang in there and know that there are people here who love you and care about you-even though we've never met!


Ya Chun said...

I hope the brainspotting works out well for you. This is not an easy path that is unfolding before you. ((HUGS))

bir said...

Always here and always thinking of you xxx

Meg said...

AnnaMarie, thinking of you today. (Wednesday) Hope all goes well! :)

Jessica said...

I'm a stranger to you, and came across your blog through a long series of blog linking. But I read this post and even though it's old I had to comment.

I know what you mean about just waking up in the morning feeling wrong. I know what it's like to feel like it's just wrong for you to be alive. And even though I know you're past this point now, it amazed me so much to see in writing that someone else had felt that way that I had to say something.

I'm also on Lithium, for about a year now, as well as an antidepressant (although my diagnosis was bipolar disorder). It hasn't really been a miracle drug for me either, unfortunately.

Anyway. While I can relate to those things, though, I can't relate to your whole story. I've never lost a child; I've never even been pregnant, and I can't imagine that heartbreak. I am so sorry for your loss.

That's all. Oh, and my birthday is also February 10th. :)