Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Friday, March 20, 2009

Hello Spring!

Toren, since you have been gone I have greeted Winter, Spring, Summer, Autumn, then another Winter, and now another Spring. How does the world keep turning without you in it?


Your comments to my last post were so cute and funny, thank you!!! Sara, I agree that he really showed a lack of class by speaking of offspring due so close to your due date (grrrr). And Debbie, of course women who are so blessed to have pregnancies that couldn't possible be touched by sorrow can do whatever the fuck they want, including not remaining properly clothed at work. Now, deadbaby mama's are expected to be appropriately clothed for their positions, professional, intelligent, kind, timely, and they are never ever to speak of or express sadness over their missing child. Deadbabies never really happened, if you never had time to bond with them after birth they didn't really exist - this is in the handbook that everyone besides deadbaby mama's receives.

Of course, you all are exempt from my bitterness when you conceive your subsequent pregnancies and birth healthy, living, beautiful babies. If your blogs get too gushy with joy I will only read when I can handle that. If I get too verbally grumpy, you can tell me to fuck off and I'll reevaluate my behavior. If a non deadbaby mama tells me to fuck of and listen happily to her stories of maternal joy, it will be on! And by "on", I mean I'll be crying and feeling sorry for myself for an undetermined amount of time.


When speaking of subsequent children, the leader of a support group I attend also says subsequent lives.

"subsequent children or subsequent lives"

I really like this, even though a subsequent life doesn't sound as nice as a subsequent child. Although they couldn't possible cure the pain of losing a baby, it seems that a lot of healing is expected to come from a subsequent child, and certainly they do bring mountains of joy. But how do you heal without the possibility of a subsequent child?

Last Fall, I imagined I would be trying again by Spring. Certainly by Spring the economy would have improved and my husband would have found a job, leading to him feeling happier, and we would have become closer, and then we would pick up where we left off in our plan to expand our family. Here's what really happened: economy got worse, and husband left emotionally (physically he still lives here), which means planning for a subsequent child is not being realistic.

It's time to plan for my subsequent life. A subsequent child is fairly straight forward (and is part of a subsequent life) whereas a subsequent life could include anything. I have no idea what to do! Is there anything as meaningful, life altering, and joyful as having a child?

Are you planning for a subsequent child or a subsequent life? Can a sub life without a sub child be fulfilling?


Sara said...

First of all, you can have that sub child. And, even better, it will be with a man who is invested in you an excited about your life together. Or it could be on your own. Don't give up on having a child.

I know you have garden space. What about making your garden really great this year? I keep hearing about victory gardens, and the Obamas just dug a spot for a vegetable garden today. I only have one area in my yard that isn't shady so I'm going to plant some veggies this year!

I got quite intrigued when I read "a subsequent life could include anything." How exciting! I am thankful for what I have, but I must say: a whole wipe-the-slate-clean start from scratch sure sounds good. Take advantage! What have you always wanted to do (other than have a baby, of course)?

* said...

You might want to explore the idea of becoming a single mother by choice - see:
- Choice Moms - http://www.choicemoms.org/
- Choosing Single Motherhood - http://www.choosingsinglemotherhood.com
- Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) - http://www.singlemothersbychoice.com

It took me a few years and lots of tears, but I eventually got my precious baby. And there are days when it's tough doing it all on my own, but when my little one smiles up at me, he makes it all worthwhile.

Start believing in yourself - you're stronger than you realize!

Zil said...

Anna Marie - What the future holds is never a clear cut answer. We can influence it to some extent, but as we both know there are limits to what we can and cannot change.

I hope that all of your wishes are fulfilled - and that love always surrounds you.

Emily said...

I love the idea of subsequent life.. whatever we make that mean. It took me a long time to figure out that things would never get back to 'normal' and I had a 'new normal'- whatever I made that.

Thanks for the post, and thanks for your comments on my stepping stones blog.