Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

A bad mood explained in 9 easy steps - updated

A daily science technology e-mail I receive always includes a quote at the bottom. Today's quote is

"Don't be yourself -- be someone a little nicer"
- Mignon McLaughlin

So far I'm not doing so well at this. How about you all?

1. Let it be known that my meds are being tweaked with again (super lame ass, expensive, frustrating long story) so I am depressed, depressed, depressed. And exhausted from work.

2. I'm reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and it is a very difficult read. It's so sad to recognize that the way the ex and I interacted during our marriage was crap. I feel beaten up and so frustrated that in all probability he will never see that I was an individual and not just an extension of himself. Ow ow ow ow

3. Had a talking to from the snuggle bunny on things that I could do better in our relationship, and he's completely right and I can totally do this, but I'm overwhelmed because I'm already dealing with lingering relationship issues from my ending marriage. A serious relationship found me sooner than I was ready. I was hoping to sleep around much more before settling down again, one, because it sounds fun and two, because it's a struggle to maintain a serious relationship while processing a divorce, being a landlord, taking care of my cats and house, and taking care of myself.

4. On Mondays, normally I'm at a certain bar enjoying company and dinner while the snuggle bunny broadcasts his radio show live from there. This past Monday was a fund-raising benefit for a local bartender who's apartment burned down and she lost everything. Very sad and something I would normally support, but all of the notices regarding her troubles included that she was pregnant. Instead of being "a little nicer" I stayed home because I knew there would be so much ooowing and awwing over her pregnancy and I can't be around that right now. How is it possible that over two years later I still have issues with this?

5. My 35th birthday is in a week. This is the big one. This is the age that my mother and maternal grandmother entered premature ovarian failure. And lets take a look at my track record regarding reproduction - oh yeah, it is dismal and heartbreaking. And how is trying for a subsequent baby going? Oh right, my husband bailed (tho this is a good thing overall) and I'm back on birth control.

6. My sister and her husband announced today that they have found the little boy they will adopt. He is Korean and ADORABLE! I am so very happy for them and they truly deserve this. But for some reason I thought they would be adopting a girl. So I got the "It's a boy" announcement. And for another example of not being "a little nicer" I wonder, why does everyone around me get baby boys? Why not some little girls so that I'm not watching the growth of other boys and aching to see my own lost son to grow up?

7. Last nights dream involved the option to move to Spain for super career opportunities, however what about my snuggle bunny? In waking hours I'm thinking more about donor sperm and single motherhood - what about my snuggle bunny?

8. 30 minutes ago, in a continuation of last nights relationship talk and because I'm now an emotional wreck, I called to tell SB that I needed a break. Knowing that something "serious" was ahead he spoke first and told me that he loved me. I still told him that I needed a break.

9. I'm waiting for a call back from my Ob/gyn office to see if I can get the AMH test. Even though the results are difficult to determine in regards to actual ovarian reserve my impression is that the test results can tell you if you are in deep shit right now.

It's too much. Thankfully I'm becoming numb.

The wise Ya Chun has spoken and I agree - that is a lame quote. I've been plenty nice for many years; tons of forgiving, tons of glossing over, tons of covering other people's asses. Maybe in a few years I'll come around and try to be nice like Sara :)


Ya Chun said...

I'm sorry, but that sounds like a lame quote (and that is me being nice)

Never heard of that person anyway, so what do they know.

Just be nice to yourself.

Sara said...

You are dealing with soooo much right now. A weaker person would just give up and let it all go to shit. Give yourself a little leeway. In the grand scheme of things you are keeping it together amazingly well.

And I forgot if I already told you this, but being nicer is one of my new years resolutions. It's going pretty well and my life feels a little more positive. The key to it for me has been remembering to take a breath before I say something mean/negative and ask myself if that's what I want to put out into the world. I'm not perfect at it, but I think the more I practice, the easier it gets.

And I think avoiding a situation where people would be cooing over some pregnant lady IS being nice. You're treating yourself well by not putting yourself into an upsetting situation.

Be kind to yourself, sweetie. I'm sure a lot of these bad feelings are stemming from refiguring your meds. You're going to be ok. xoxo

Sophie said...

I'm so sorry you're having a crap week. I hope things look brighter soon.

Since Snuggle Bunny is making some demands maybe you should be laying some of yours on the table too.

angie said...

Dude. So much. I would be declaring most hours of the day Wine O'Clock. But that is me. I like the nicer quote, but I also haven't heard of that dude, and sometimes being nicer is overrated. Being selfish has its place in this world. I love the Spain dream, and totally understand the getting involved in a serious relationship before you are ready feelings. I met someone so perfectly attuned to me about two months after I separated from my husband, and after four months, I simply couldn't do it. I thought about it a lot for a while, and now, not at all. He is still catting around, except that he is married with four children now, if you know what I mean. He might be everyone's soulmate. Sending you much love. XO

Quiet Dreams said...

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" gave me my lightbulb moment about my own marriage. Two weeks later I left (definitely the best thing I've ever done for myself). Powerful stuff in that book.

Ditto on the just be nice to yourself and that quote is stupid thing. Quadruple ditto.

Though it is lame, that quote reminds me of a quote on my friend's facebook page (he's an attorney): Be yourself in court, unless yourself is an asshole.

Just be nice to you. That's a big enough job for most days, I think.

Anonymous said...

I hope you're not being too hard on yourself. I second Sophie and hope SB realizes that he might have somethings to do better in the relationship. It's an easy cop-out to tell YOU what to do better. I hope you get enough rest and solitude for your own health - and some support. So maybe the break might be just what you need...

The relationship-book... yeah, I know that one. Made a ton of lightbulbs go on over my head. Verbal abuse can be just as hard as a knife in the heart....

And the quote: Sometimes I have been way too nice (for example to my ex-husband). So I plan on not being so nice anymore to people who simply don't deserve it!

Hope all will be going a little smoother for you...


Catherine W said...

Oh geesh. It would actually only take one of those nine steps to put me in a bad mood. And, for what it's worth, I think you are more than nice enough as it is so Mignon McLaughlin can take his quote elsewhere.
I'm with Sophie and Petra, make sure you give the SB a talking to as well. 'What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander' as they say.
So pleased for your sister and her husband but my heart aches for you and your little boy. x

Rebecca said...

People who think they're not nice are usually the nicest people around. Stop being so hard on yourself. You do have a ton going on right now but it sounds like you're handling it. I'm thinking good thoughts for your ovaries :-)

Liam's Mommy said...

Sorry for all the stuff on your plate. Book sounds very interesting... must pick it up. The boy thing always gets me too. Besides having a small meltdown the other day over a friends baby girl I've been pretty ok w/ being around lil girls. But don't let me see a little blond boy. I wish you a lot of strength! Much Love!

Anonymous said...

be gentle with yourself.. you've been through so much. Anyone who survives the death of a baby is damn strong plus you have all the other things in your life that you are healing from. Positive thoughts coming your way.