A daily science technology e-mail I receive always includes a quote at the bottom. Today's quote is
"Don't be yourself -- be someone a little nicer"
- Mignon McLaughlin
So far I'm not doing so well at this. How about you all?
1. Let it be known that my meds are being tweaked with again (super lame ass, expensive, frustrating long story) so I am depressed, depressed, depressed. And exhausted from work.
2. I'm reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and it is a very difficult read. It's so sad to recognize that the way the ex and I interacted during our marriage was crap. I feel beaten up and so frustrated that in all probability he will never see that I was an individual and not just an extension of himself. Ow ow ow ow
3. Had a talking to from the snuggle bunny on things that I could do better in our relationship, and he's completely right and I can totally do this, but I'm overwhelmed because I'm already dealing with lingering relationship issues from my ending marriage. A serious relationship found me sooner than I was ready. I was hoping to sleep around much more before settling down again, one, because it sounds fun and two, because it's a struggle to maintain a serious relationship while processing a divorce, being a landlord, taking care of my cats and house, and taking care of myself.
4. On Mondays, normally I'm at a certain bar enjoying company and dinner while the snuggle bunny broadcasts his radio show live from there. This past Monday was a fund-raising benefit for a local bartender who's apartment burned down and she lost everything. Very sad and something I would normally support, but all of the notices regarding her troubles included that she was pregnant. Instead of being "a little nicer" I stayed home because I knew there would be so much ooowing and awwing over her pregnancy and I can't be around that right now. How is it possible that over two years later I still have issues with this?
5. My 35th birthday is in a week. This is the big one. This is the age that my mother and maternal grandmother entered premature ovarian failure. And lets take a look at my track record regarding reproduction - oh yeah, it is dismal and heartbreaking. And how is trying for a subsequent baby going? Oh right, my husband bailed (tho this is a good thing overall) and I'm back on birth control.
6. My sister and her husband announced today that they have found the little boy they will adopt. He is Korean and ADORABLE! I am so very happy for them and they truly deserve this. But for some reason I thought they would be adopting a girl. So I got the "It's a boy" announcement. And for another example of not being "a little nicer" I wonder, why does everyone around me get baby boys? Why not some little girls so that I'm not watching the growth of other boys and aching to see my own lost son to grow up?
7. Last nights dream involved the option to move to Spain for super career opportunities, however what about my snuggle bunny? In waking hours I'm thinking more about donor sperm and single motherhood - what about my snuggle bunny?
8. 30 minutes ago, in a continuation of last nights relationship talk and because I'm now an emotional wreck, I called to tell SB that I needed a break. Knowing that something "serious" was ahead he spoke first and told me that he loved me. I still told him that I needed a break.
9. I'm waiting for a call back from my Ob/gyn office to see if I can get the AMH test. Even though the results are difficult to determine in regards to actual ovarian reserve my impression is that the test results can tell you if you are in deep shit right now.
It's too much. Thankfully I'm becoming numb.
The wise Ya Chun has spoken and I agree - that is a lame quote. I've been plenty nice for many years; tons of forgiving, tons of glossing over, tons of covering other people's asses. Maybe in a few years I'll come around and try to be nice like Sara :)