You all are very much appreciated and your comments have gotten me through some rough days. I'm behind on sending replies to some comments and I still need to thank Meg for the pretty card that arrived a while ago (Meg, the card is so beautiful, you are so thoughtful to provide such support). I periodically review all of the cards I have received and they really help. I have some new books of poetry from a new-to-me poet and there are some poems I'll write into the next rounds of cards I send out. And if anyone else wants to receive some cards of encouragement in the mail just let me know. Seriously, fun activities are appreciated right now.
I did end up taking that post down from LJ after a few friends commented how they were thinking of me but wanted to give me space. These are my dearest humans on Earth and if I'm too open with them they get uncomfortable. Even non maternal types are upset by the idea of dead babies, perhaps even more so by tiny deformed babies, and ones that live happily while in utero but are not able to live after birth.
Now to sound like a complete spoiled, self-involved whiner...
I'm having some kind of mental breakdown. My friend (or ex-friend, who I wrote the letter to) safely delivered her baby boy yesterday. I am incredibly relieved that the birth went well and they have a healthy baby to bring home and raise. I didn't expect to feel more than small twinges of oweeiness over wanting a similar life for myself. Instead I've been stricken with a bad case of the "Why me?"s
Huge, ugly pains of jealousy. Then confronting my husband, asking why he couldn't even just say that we would have a baby too someday soon. But he can't make promises about our future. Monumentous, horrible jealousy then. No baby and no hope right now.
Do you know that my friend who sent out the baby announcement text message really debated over sending it to me? I've become a person who people hesitate to give good news to. It's so shameful.