Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

You all are very much appreciated and your comments have gotten me through some rough days. I'm behind on sending replies to some comments and I still need to thank Meg for the pretty card that arrived a while ago (Meg, the card is so beautiful, you are so thoughtful to provide such support). I periodically review all of the cards I have received and they really help. I have some new books of poetry from a new-to-me poet and there are some poems I'll write into the next rounds of cards I send out. And if anyone else wants to receive some cards of encouragement in the mail just let me know. Seriously, fun activities are appreciated right now.

I did end up taking that post down from LJ after a few friends commented how they were thinking of me but wanted to give me space. These are my dearest humans on Earth and if I'm too open with them they get uncomfortable. Even non maternal types are upset by the idea of dead babies, perhaps even more so by tiny deformed babies, and ones that live happily while in utero but are not able to live after birth.

Now to sound like a complete spoiled, self-involved whiner...
I'm having some kind of mental breakdown. My friend (or ex-friend, who I wrote the letter to) safely delivered her baby boy yesterday. I am incredibly relieved that the birth went well and they have a healthy baby to bring home and raise. I didn't expect to feel more than small twinges of oweeiness over wanting a similar life for myself. Instead I've been stricken with a bad case of the "Why me?"s

Huge, ugly pains of jealousy. Then confronting my husband, asking why he couldn't even just say that we would have a baby too someday soon. But he can't make promises about our future. Monumentous, horrible jealousy then. No baby and no hope right now.

Do you know that my friend who sent out the baby announcement text message really debated over sending it to me? I've become a person who people hesitate to give good news to. It's so shameful.


CLC said...

I am that person too. I just had a good friend tell me she is pregnant and she is due in December!! On one hand, I appreciate the sensitivity, and on the other hand it only makes you feel like a bigger freak! I am sorry you feel this way too.

As for the jealousy, it's normal. I hate to say it but I haven't met a deadbabymama who hasn't felt it at one time or another. It does feel shameful, and it's not something I proudly admit, but it's there. So try not to beat yourself up too much about it.

Meg said...

I don't actually think it's shameful. You are where you are in your grief. Maybe she didn't want to cause you more pain? Whatever the reason, it is hurtful to you and that's not cool. And what's up with your husband to not even offer you some little kind of comfort? That's just cruel.
The sad fact is that the people who are not being sensitive to you, just DON'T understand and probably won't. Hopefully nothing this horrible ever happens to them, but for now, they don't understand how devestated you are. If they think you should just "get over it" then THEY should feel shame, not you. They are wrong and ignorant and you just take the time you need. You will feel better some day. It doesn't need to be on any particular time table. Certainly not someone ELSE'S time table.
I think of you often and I'm so glad you liked the card. I'll be sending another one soon. And, don't worry about overloading your friends, because we're here and can take anything you can dish out.
Love, Meg

Ya Chun said...

I am not sure if it really the same kind of jealousy that people normally refer to. It's more like a reminder of what we are missing, our family that is missing a part. It's as if another healthy baby brings it back into focus.

debbie said...

Oh Anna, I'm sorry--about the friend, about your hubby not being able to promise anything, about all of it. Now, to maybe try and make you feel a little better, know you're no alone. TWICE in the last few months good friends have neglected to include us in their birth announcements. These are well-educated, well-intentioned, dear, old friends. If they can be that stupid than clearly, anyone can. There should be a park people like us can go to on certain days just to pretend those other people don't exist. Hang in there Anna this day will pass and the sun just has to come out soon. :-)

Sophie said...

I agree with Ya Chun. A healthy baby highlights what we don't have.

My sister had a baby boy yesterday. It has been interesting. Email me if you want details.

I feel bad for not being happier for her, but at the same time I am aware that my feelings all tie back to my loss.

I so wish I could give your husband a kick up the bum for being so unsupportive. Your patience with him is amazing. I hope things get better with time.

Sara said...

Big hugs to you, Anna. I'm thinkin' about you.

janis said...

big ((hugs)) Anna. This is a hard place to be in... but it is not going to last forever. xoxo