Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


Around here lately blog posts don't make it past the random thoughts noted on scraps of paper. I'm still following along with my favorite blogging friends but commenting is rare. Rather than feeling like a slacker it's time to just flow with it.

So what next?

This landscape still cannot accommodate a baby. And that is both ok and gut wrenching.

It's not clear where this story fits in with the majority of related blogs. There is no "rainbow baby". No TTC. No problems with TTC discovered. No worries over subsequent pregnancies.
And on that topic I'd like to digress and say a huge "fuck off" to all of those people who said I could have another baby. Beyond insensitive and thoughtless it was such a rude thing to say while Toren - deeply cherished, "incompatible with life" Toren - was still LIVING inside me. Such a simplistic thing to say given the genetic testing to be done, the grief, and the huge strain that one tiny deadbaby can put on a marriage.

"You can have another one". Like life doesn't become complicated. Like hearts mend so quickly. We all know how annoying that "comforting" statement is and I thought I was over it but what is really rage inducing lately is that statement was a lie. I wanted Toren, but before him I wanted a baby, and that generic desire is still there. Part of me needed to believe that having another baby would heal some of the hurt. Insensitive sure, but I also needed to believe that those uttering "you can have another one" were speaking the truth. It's been almost 2 and a half years since Toren died and there is not another one here or even on the horizon.

Where is my other one?

There's no ending of this blog or creation of a new one due to momentous, perspective changing events in this story. Toren is still dead. My husband is still gone (but while this was devastating for quite a while it's turned into an hugely positive situation). It has all been so difficult. In the beginning of this blog I honestly did not think I could ever not be consumed by sorrow but this is not the case anymore.

This has to change from my anonymous grief blog into ... what?


I do want my blog to transform rather than end because even though so much of the story is over MY story is has not ended yet - if that makes any sense. Toren's story is over - he lived for a short while then he died. The story of my marriage ended after 11 years (even though those divorce papers are still not signed, the marriage is over).

Before Toren I was hollow, so afraid of offending, so devoid of personal expression that I was practically not alive. Accompanying Toren were emotions that were too intense not to feel and the husband exodus left behind the space needed to fully absorb and process the grief, anger, sorrow, rage, and most importantly, love. So no longer hollow, no longer drowning in grief ...

I may step away from the internet for a bit and participate more in life to find things to write about. You are all always in my heart and I'll catch up with you all later.


littleharves said...

best of luck with it all, i'm at the beginning of all that you have been through and i don't envy me at all right now. i do hope you pop back on and keep writing about the changes you are going through, and the life you are finding, you are helping others if that makes any difference xxx anne

Reba said...

one of my favorite things about reading people's blogs is that everyone is at a different place. some are "ahead of me" in the journey and have been living with their loss for longer. others are just living their lives and it seems like nothing bad has ever happened to them, or will ever happen. i read those because i can no longer imagine a life in which bad things can never happen. it is painful reading about people going through troubling situations right now, some unrelated to pregnancy loss or IF, and especially hard reading through the stories of people who have just said goodbye to their precious little one.

anyway, i wish you all the best as you continue your journeys, anna.

debbie said...

i'll miss you, but i'm happy for you.

Meg said...

congrats on getting to this place. we will miss you, but i'm glad you're getting out and living! you are an inspiration to many. and i hope even to yourself. much love to you anna.

Sophie said...

I'll miss you Anna, but I'm so happy for you too. Whatever you want to share with us about this new place you are in, I'd love to hear about it.

Love and hugs,

Anonymous said...

Enjoy your break, I will miss reading you and looking forward to the day you will continue to write, no matter what aspect of yourself you will write about. No matter what path your life will turn. All is you and that's good.

Carpe diem, noctem and whatnot! :)

Catherine W said...

I will miss reading your blog if you choose to step away from the internet for a while. I hope that you will continue to write here and to 'transform' your space into whatever you feel it needs to be in the future.

I'm so sorry that people told you could always 'have another baby' and especially those who told you that whilst Toren was still alive. Yes, certainly beyond insensitive and thoughtless. And yes, certainly life is complicated, hearts don't mend that quickly.

Thank you for your words, you have helped me along this path more than words can say. Thinking of you and remembering your beautiful son, Toren. x

Quiet Dreams said...

I am also without a baby with no view of how to get one in the near future (and the near future probably isn't the best time for a baby anyway, as I am still one hot mess).

"You can have another one," like he was a pair of shoes or something.

And you should definitely make this space your own--whatever you want of it.

Beautiful Mess said...

I think all blogs go through some sort of transitions, it is life, after all. As our lives and emotions shift, as does our writing. i wish you nothing but peace and happiness. We'll be here when you come back!

MissingYouAlways said...

im am sorry for your loss.
I can understand.
I lost my son july 6 09, and my husband left me a month later at his memorial service. so I have had to deal with grief and a divorce all at once, it can really take its toll

wishing you peace and hapiness xoxo

CLC said...

Best of luck! Keep us posted on how you are doing! I wish you much happiness in the future!

Liz said...

I'll miss you, Anna!

But have some fun while you're gone.