Ok...the following is inspired by my therapists...
Remember how my massage therapist, V, suggested that I express emotions everyday? So I've been paying more attention to what I feel ... trying to define it ... trying to indulge feelings. Then today my psychotherapist, K, said she can't tell me how to get to a place where I feel better because I have to figure that out for myself. Although I'm still pissed that she won't just give me the keys to happyland I think what she is saying is that I have to find the belief system that works for me. I have to pull some kind of meaning that I can understand and find some comfort in out of my ass (the usual beliefs/religions/spiritual stuff do not bring me comfort).
Then mzfitzita said "But, sadly, it's one foot in front of the other - and often two steps back - and in the middle of it all, a LOT of just figuring it out on your own - figuring out what works for you - and trying to ignore the people who don't understand and, in their ignorance, make the journey so much harder for you."
Figuring out what works for me... and on that note I propose an experiment of sorts.
A couple of days ago while looking for a greeting card I found some cards specifically for miscarriage and pregnancy loss. I want one. I want one of every kind they have. I received a few cards of condolence right after everyone heard the bad news but 10 months later I still feel like shit and I still need support so I'm going to get my own freaking cards. If times get dark enough I'll even mail them to myself.
According to Still to be Born, I have up to 14 more months to "come to terms with" the death of my son (whatever that really means) so if by November of 2009 I'm still hating life or if I've been committed to a mental hospital or end up in jail (I don't know what for but it would be for something stupid) we will all know that purchasing greeting cards for yourself is not an effective way to deal with grief.
This is such a long process ... the idea of a card specific to pregnancy loss is both smart (to acknowledge the loss) and ridiculous since the sorrow lasts for such a long time. Really friends and family should be able to sign up for a condolence card of the month to be sent for two years.
If any of you need cards of condolence or cards of encouragement send me an e-mail with your address and I'll send you a card in the mail regularly until you say "no more!".
So clearly I've hit another low spot. Back in the spring, I started freaking out about 2 weeks before my EDD so this might be anxiety about the upcoming terrorversaries, which would be very bad since they don't start until October 31. There is something else that may be causing or at least weighing in on these sad feelings and soon I'll give you all the full story, complete with shameful jealousy bits, just like some sort of lame, depressing soap opera.