Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Something crazy this way comes...

Ok...the following is inspired by my therapists...

Remember how my massage therapist, V, suggested that I express emotions everyday? So I've been paying more attention to what I feel ... trying to define it ... trying to indulge feelings. Then today my psychotherapist, K, said she can't tell me how to get to a place where I feel better because I have to figure that out for myself. Although I'm still pissed that she won't just give me the keys to happyland I think what she is saying is that I have to find the belief system that works for me. I have to pull some kind of meaning that I can understand and find some comfort in out of my ass (the usual beliefs/religions/spiritual stuff do not bring me comfort).

Then mzfitzita said "But, sadly, it's one foot in front of the other - and often two steps back - and in the middle of it all, a LOT of just figuring it out on your own - figuring out what works for you - and trying to ignore the people who don't understand and, in their ignorance, make the journey so much harder for you."

Figuring out what works for me... and on that note I propose an experiment of sorts.

A couple of days ago while looking for a greeting card I found some cards specifically for miscarriage and pregnancy loss. I want one. I want one of every kind they have. I received a few cards of condolence right after everyone heard the bad news but 10 months later I still feel like shit and I still need support so I'm going to get my own freaking cards. If times get dark enough I'll even mail them to myself.

According to Still to be Born, I have up to 14 more months to "come to terms with" the death of my son (whatever that really means) so if by November of 2009 I'm still hating life or if I've been committed to a mental hospital or end up in jail (I don't know what for but it would be for something stupid) we will all know that purchasing greeting cards for yourself is not an effective way to deal with grief.

This is such a long process ... the idea of a card specific to pregnancy loss is both smart (to acknowledge the loss) and ridiculous since the sorrow lasts for such a long time. Really friends and family should be able to sign up for a condolence card of the month to be sent for two years.

If any of you need cards of condolence or cards of encouragement send me an e-mail with your address and I'll send you a card in the mail regularly until you say "no more!".

So clearly I've hit another low spot. Back in the spring, I started freaking out about 2 weeks before my EDD so this might be anxiety about the upcoming terrorversaries, which would be very bad since they don't start until October 31. There is something else that may be causing or at least weighing in on these sad feelings and soon I'll give you all the full story, complete with shameful jealousy bits, just like some sort of lame, depressing soap opera.



Sara said...

I'll send cards to you if you'll send them to me! I loved getting the acknowledgments when we first ended the pregnancy, but the silence soon afterward was deafening. I'd feel like a new woman if my family and friends sent me a condolence card every month for two years! What a great idea.

Meg said...

Anna, I would send you cards!!!!! If you want to contact me and give me an address or even a po box, I'd be MORE than happy to help you. People around someone who has experienced loss feel so helpless. We long for SOMETHING that would make the person feel better. Please let me do this. Your son needs to be acknoledged and so does your grief. If it takes longer than others feel it should, then they won't be able to have the pleasure of your comany. It's their loss. How would they feel if they lost a son!? Grief takes as long as it takes. Don't rush yourself. Try, but don't pressure yourself. That just adds to your stress. You'll come out of this. I know you will.

janis said...

Yes,it is so long... but it will not always feel this way. At least I've been told.
I've resigned myself to this "job" for until the end of my life.

debbie said...

Me too!! I'll send them to you. Go set yourself up a PO box and we all will.

So, here's another take on it all. Maybe I shouldn't tell you this, but maybe I should. After my father died, and I'm sure you read on my blog how that happened, I took some grief counseling classes. They helped me identify with the stages of grief--so at least I knew where I was in the process--but they didn't help me WITH my grief. That was a process that had to happen on its own. For me, it took a long time, a very long time, but eventually I had more normal days than sad days. Eventually I felt better more often than not. I won't tell you how long it took so as not to discourage you, but believe me, it was not quick.

My mom took me to a therapist when I was knee deep in the anger stage. I told him as smart as he may be, there was nothing he could do to help me. To my surprise, he actually agreed. He said my emotions needed to run their course and there was no way to speed it up or slow it down. The surest thing I know though, is that letting them run their course makes you healthy. The alternative to letting it out, to exploring your emotions is holding it all in and we all know that leads to nothing positive.

So, keep on trucking. I'll be here on the road while you do.

ps give us that po box!

Dulcemija said...

I'm in on the sending-cards-to-each-other idea. I LOVE IT. Count me in and let me know where to send cards! I'll even get my own PO box too.

msfitzita said...

I will inundate you with cards if it helps. I would have done anything to feel better in those early days. Let me know where to send them and I will.


P.S. I've also heard it takes 2 - 5 years to feel "normal" again after losing a child. But the trick is, I think, to remember that "normal" isn't what it used to be.

Be kind to yourself and just let yourself be, and feel, and mourn the way that's right for you.

Phyliss said...
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