Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

My purse and work tote bag contain scraps of paper with writings that were scrawled down to be turned into a blog later. There are just too many and too much time has passed to compile anything cohesive from those bits of ideas. But for the most part the ideas centered around my lonely marriage, crying here and there, and un-friending friends because I'm too sensitive and too tired to put up with anything that even remotely resembles thoughtless comments or actions. Same old shit.

Instead I'll pass along the advice my massage therapist gave me last Saturday.
1. Express/release emotions every day. This can be through any means including writing, speaking, or exercise. She said kickboxing is very effective.
2. Do something nice for someone else everyday, but not just like holding a door open for someone else nice, something life changing nice.
3. I need to become pure in body, mind, and soul before trying for another baby. This sounds trite but it is actually what I need to do. I'm not rushing anything but there is no room for a baby with all this alcohol, depression, and unrest.
4. She gave me some intimacy advice to assist with conception too. Not like I'm having sex but if I ever do again I've got some new moves.

Releasing emotions is actually going fairly well. When I feel emotionally out of balance I ask myself what am I feeling and how can I express that feeling. To make this story short, I've been confusing anger with other emotions - what I'm feeling lately is anguish but I express the anguish with anger, which is inappropriate because it isn't effective - I don't feel better after acting with anger. How do you release or express anguish?

In Starbucks a little girl was crying, expressing hiccuping sobs as she is led to a quiet corner of the store for a talk with her mom. And suddenly I realized that is exactly how I would be acting if there were no societal restraints against adults expressing raw emotions. Under the circumstances of being out for coffee alone because the strain of being at home has become too much I should be standing in line with tears streaming over my cheeks, I should be choking over the words "medium coffee - half decaf", sob, "yes, please, room for cream" because it is so sad to be so alone. At any given time, how many people are conducting daily life tasks, outwardly appearing collected but feeling extreme emotional pain?

I went home and cried and cried. I guess I feel a bit better ... maybe...

Anyway, doing something nice for someone everyday has turned out to be more challenging than I anticipated. In the last 4 days I have not done anything nice enough to change someone's life. But at least in trying I see that when I'm dealing with so many pent up emotions I simply don't have the energy or creativity to make a positive impact for others.

I've got to go to bed.


debbie said...

You did something nice for me. You seem to come and read my blog every day and muster up the strength to leave me a comment, to let me know someone is reading, someone cares. And even though it has to do with a baby, you gave me advice.
That's life changing for me--so there, check that one off your list.

AnnaMarie said...

Oh my gosh Debbie, you are so sweet!

Sara said...

You're so right about the crying-in-public thing. I'd be crying constantly everywhere if it were acceptable.

My new therapist said, at the end of our first session, that she thought I needed a Big Cry, that I'm holding my emotions in. I think she's right. I haven't cried much since the first month after the tx. Crying makes me so self-conscious, though, even when I'm by myself. Oh well...

Enough about me. Thinking of you.

Dulcemija said...

I agree with Debbie. You do something nice by honestly writing about your struggles for public consumption. There may be someone who is anonymously reading and is immeasurably helped by your thoughts. I love reading your blog!