Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Speachless (except for all the stuff I'm about to bombard you with)

Setting the stage...

So, you know I have an EX-FRIEND ... and even though I talk a tough game, friendship breakups weigh heavily on me. It's so hard to let a friendship die. I have had definite bitchy moments with her back in early spring when she was newly pregnant and I was slogging through grief (aided by a lot of alcohol) but I really tried to make it up to her. I sent text messages at least once a week for months asking how she was feeling - rarely a reply and never was the question reciprocated spontaneously. When suddenly asked to dinner several months ago I accepted because I wanted an end to the tension. So I dined and made pleasant conversation while seated facing a brand spanking new stroller that was parked in the dining room. I praised the name they had picked out since they had just recently found out they were having a boy. Then when her husband asked me to help her shop for some evening clothes I actually went to maternity stores with her and helped her find something to wear. Then back to no replies, no asking how I am. So I stop sending text messages; I stop communicating so there is no communication whatsoever between us. Then she gave me a gift a couple of weeks ago... but by this time I am too upset by only seeing her on her terms that I am cold ... I thank her for the gift and hide it in a closet when I get home because I just can't look at it.

Then no communication.

Then tonight a text is received:
"It's official! We got a mommy mobile [her name] style! Crv 2008! Woot!"

And from my mouth comes a maniacal laugh then I send text messages to other friends, just saying hello, just so that the message from her moves down the list so that it is not seen on the screen.

You all really can tell me if I am being too sensitive about this. But the way I see it is that she is clueless at best; competitive and mean at worst.

What would you guys do? Would you say something? I don't think I will do anything, but this is fuel for my golly-gee-we-cannot-be-considered-friends-any-longer fire (and I mean it this time). My completely honest to my inner feelings side (which doesn't exist in real life) would reply "Congrats on the new car you inconsiderate, hateful bitch"

If you said anything, would you want to say something different from what you would actually say?

Edit: How about a lovely note of congratulations like this?

Dear R,
Congratulations on your new car - what exciting news! I remember a time when I was planning to replace my classic car with a vehicle that was more "baby friendly". Of course, finding the perfect "mommy mobile" turned out to be not necessary for me since my son was found to be incompatible with life and thus would not ever be tucked securely in a car seat in any car. Now that my marriage is suffering so much as my husband and I mourn our son in our unique ways, it looks like I'll be driving my classic car for a long time. The CR-V 2008 appears to be a very family friendly vehicle and I imagine you will enjoy driving your son around in it once he is born. Again, congratulations on the new "mommy mobile"!

And I really mean that "sincerely" bit.


debbie said...

I think if she was as good of a friend as you say she is, you need to sit down and write her a letter, an honest letter, telling her exactly how you feel. IF you bothers you to let friends go, and she was a good one, then it's worth the honest try to try and salvage it.
I have no idea why she stopped reaching out to you, one of mine did the same thing and I eventually told her exactly how I felt. It will never be the same between us, but at least I was true to myself and expressed my feelings. Hasn't that been the theme these days anyway, trying to find a way to express your emotions on a daily basis?

Meg said...

She does seem to be competitive. The way she had you looking right at that stroller makes me think she's rubbing your face in it. I can't understand a person like that. She is not your friend. If she were, she'd be sensitive to you. To me, it's not the insensitive comment about the "mommy mobile", but the way she only alows you to be her friend when she wants to. It's one sided and very controlling. The fact that you went out of your way, even in all this grief you're going through, shows that she isn't a good friend. She's not worthy of you. I say, good thing you found out now so you didn't waste any more time on her. As to what to say:

I would probably just ignore her. But, there are times I surprise myself and just HAVE to get something said. I think what you wrote is good. But, I'd say something like, "Wow, nice car. What made you text me about the car but not for anything else? (let her respond) I feel like you just aren't commited to our friendship right now, but I hope that when you're ready, you can realize how you've treated me and maybe we could be friends again sometime in the future.

or, maybe something like this:

Wow, glad I made the roster for the new car text. How sensitive of you. For the amount of time that you've not texted me, THIS is the text you decide to send!? Bragging about how you're going to be needing a "mommy mobile?" What a great friend you are. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, you know, judging by how supportive you've been so far. Thanks for the text, but feel free to "forget" me next time, like you usually do. That is, until you decide I'm worthy of your presence. I'm through with your arm's lennth aproach to our "friendship". But, my dear, friendship isn't one sided. Hope you learn that someday.
What do you think?

msfitzita said...

Wow. I'm still stunned by some people's galling insensitivity.

She may not be doing any of this on purpose - it's conceivable that she truly has NO idea that she's being the moronic assclown that she is - but it doesn't change the fact that she's hurting you over and over again.

My therapist recently told me that I need to stop putting the feelings of others in front of my own. I mean, obviously sometimes you have to. Most of the time, really. But when you CAN protect and nurture yourself, you MUST do it. Because no one else is going to look after you the way you can.

Sometimes obstacles are just too big to overcome. You shouldn't have to work THIS hard at this friendship. If it's only causing you pain and anguish, I think there's nothing wrong with simply letting it go. Becoming acquaintances. Christmas card senders.

I've done it. And it's okay. Yeah, there's a niggling, icky feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about the friends and family who I have let go (and who have let go of me) but I have vital, thriving, loving relationships that DO warrant my attention - ones that ARE healthy and wonderful and reciprocal.

So I'm okay with the ones that didn't survive my losses. They obviously weren't as strong as I thought to begin with.

I hope you can find a way to have some peace. One of the cruelest things about loss is that it's the gift that just keeps on giving in new and agonizing ways.

I'm so sorry.

Sophie said...

Anna, I liked your note better. I'd send it. She's either going to ring you and apologise or she's going to sit back and realise (for the rest of her life) how poorly she treated you.

I sent an email to a friend of mine who totally ignored me during the six months my daughter struggled, even though I knew that others had been telling her what was happening. She learned about my daughter's death through the mention of a funeral on my facebook profile and sent me an email wanting to know the funeral details so she could attend... I was furious but at the same time I still needed her to be there. I sent her a note telling her how much pain her absence had caused me and gave her the details she asked for. She did turn up to the funeral but I haven't seen her since. I have a great feeling of satisfaction that she at least knows that I felt that she'd let me down...

Where our friendship goes from here, I couldn't care less. But I did need to tell her how I really felt.

You need to tell her. You'll hold on to this forever if you don't. You don't have to be overly harsh or bitchy. I thought your carefully constructed sacastic response was good.