Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

AHC post

I copied it here too because it turned out to be longer than I planned and this place is a record of my wadings through the grief bog. This was an important moment and I want to remember how I feel about it right now.

I just told my tale of woe to a new co-worker who is pregnant. She got the whole story too! Diagnosis, hospital stay, falling apart marriage ...

She was so understanding and sympathetic and I'm glad I told her because I think she is a really great person. But you know how the story starts out rather simple (pregnant once but baby died) then you start to add in the details and it just gets worse and worse? By how she looked at me at times I could see her wondering "how do you even get up everyday?"

My silent answer is "I don't know." I don't know how it is possible that I work, run errands, see my friends, LOOK NORMAL. But I do it all. I get out of bed everyday now, even on weekends, and I am somewhat productive.

It's weird to say that "yes, in all of my life experience, I think this is the worst thing that can happen to someone" but still be sitting at my desk among the papers and things I'm working on. To calmly say that I am completely devastated, to realize I don't care to much if I live or die most days, and yet I go to work everyday. Every single moment I miss my baby, I miss my husband, and I mourn for what almost was, but I still continue to get things done.

It's like leading a double life in a way.


Sara said...

Sometimes I get so annoyed at my boss for giving me actual work to do when I'm having an especially bad day. I want to scream, "DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH?!?!"

Meg said...

I'm glad she was understanding and kind. That's what you need. Not someone rushing you through this grief. The fact that you still do all these things everyday shows how much work you are putting into feeling better. It would be nice if those around you realized that and cut you some slack.