Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Friday, September 26, 2008

Not really a proud or shameful moment

Some of you seem interested in how the situation with my "mommy mobile" friend turned out. I would have also been curious to know what exactly one can say under those circumstances - what words do you use to say "oweee, that was my heart you stabbed". I don't necessarily recommend saying what I wrote to her though and I don't not recommend it either. I sent this as an e-mail a week and a half ago and have heard no reply, however I know that she has shared it with at least one of our mutual friends.

I don't need to hear praise over this, in fact, gentle critiques on how this could have been made not so mean would be appreciated (keeping in mind it's too late to change the letter). I do not think a follow up letter from me to her after receiving no acknowledgment of this note is appropriate; reviving the friendship is not a goal here. Right now my goals are to not feel like shit and later I'll want to know how to best handle myself when around her in the future (since that will happen). Not receiving any sort of reply has been harder than I imagined but it will be ok and I do feel relieved having communicated the things that were bothering me.

Hi R,

Congratulations on the new car, you all must be very excited and relieved to have an appropriate vehicle.

The delivery of your purchase news is prompting me to say some things that have been on my mind. I don't think you understand the severity of the sorrow I feel over the death of my son. It has been an incredibly difficult 10 months, with my entire body, mind and soul missing him every single minute, plus the waning of my marriage as A and I both grieve so intensely in our different ways. Living has strictly become about getting through another day so it is important that I am only around people who are sensitive to this disaster that has completely changed my life. When I am invited over to dinner only to be seated facing a brand new stroller parked in the dining room, or receive impersonal notes signed with your sons name, or hear about the "mommy mobile", frankly, I want to die. So I request that you kindly neglect to include me in such communications.

With all of my heart I wish you a safe delivery and a happy life.

Sincerely, A


debbie said...

I know you want constructive criticism and not praise, but I can't help it. I think you wrote an incredibly honest email, and being a huge fan of honesty, I think it's beautiful.
I think people don't know how to react to real honesty sometimes--especially when it involves grief. I also think R probably doesn't know if your email means she can't tell you anything about her children. In other words, I'm sure she's confused about that part. However, her reaction, her confusion, her emotions etc., are not part of the equation this time. You sent the email b/c YOU needed to communicate. As they told us in adoption class the other night, some people will look at you strange and say mean things to you about adoption, but it is so important to remember that people's inappropriate responses reflect their own issues, NOT YOURS. So, I know it's hard that she didn't acknowledge your email, but remember, you sent it for you, not for her. Try and let that go and be happy about the fact that you were true to yourself. That part feels good, doesn't it?

Sara said...

I think that was a really honest letter that would give someone with no perspective on the issue a peek into what you've been going through.

Maybe "I want to die" was too much for someone so out of the grief-loop, but it sure was honest! :D

Meg said...

I have to say that I don't think this was mean at all. I think it was to the point and honest, like the others pointed out. I can't think of anything that I would change. Personally, I would have probably been a little more snotty. But that's me:-) I think you conveyed your feelings and let her know the boundry. If she can't deal with things, her loss. I think that once the new baby wears off a little, she might come back down to earth a little and realize how much she allienated you. Hopefully she will.
As for being around her in the future, I would just smile at her a warm smile next time. That might open up civility. If you make the first move, it'll go a long way to keeping the air clear. It'll break the tension. Now, if she gives you a tight, snotty smile back or rolls her eyes and looks away, then get the claws out! Feel free to be openly hostile and aloof of her.
I really think you did a good job with that email.

CLC said...

I am betting that your friend probably thought it was mean, but then she clearly doesn't understand this. And no matter what we say or do, some people just never will.

I am glad you wrote it because it probably lifts a weight off your chest. But unfortunately, just by the sheer fact she shared it with a mutual friend, leads me to believe she still doesn't get it.

Sophie said...

I think that was perfect. You needed to say it.

She might not respond. She might be too wrapped up in her own pregnancy to be able to spare a thought for you.

But you've said it now and with that some of that heaviness must have been lifted.

Ya Chun said...

Actually, that sounded pretty nice.

The "wish you a ...happy life" may have sounded terminal for the friendship, and thus why you didn't get a reply. But, it might also take her awhile to sort thru it.