Really, I hear what the books, support groups, hotlines, and therapists say about grief work... it takes a long freaking time, you have ups and downs, anger is a normal part of grieving, it is perfectly normal to feel how I do.
How can anger be so "normal" when it is such an unproductive part of grief? I am unreasonably, inconsolably angry that the people I have spent so much time supporting and encouraging do not bother to check in every so often to see how I'm doing with the whole deadbaby, crappy marriage, hating life thing. I have heard others say that this is an opportunity to figure out who your real friends are, which sounds ok except that the people who have stopped supporting me include my mother, husband, friend who just months ago said I was like a sister to her ... who exactly is left? This NORMAL ANGER has resulted in me having fewer confidants, fewer resources. Everyone says this is so NORMAL but it feels so wrong and is not resulting in anything good. The problem is the professionals and people experienced with grief all agree that anger is normal, the people who actually interact with the bereaved see them as crazy, mean bitches. People can't handle my grief, anger, and anguish so they have left.
Forgive me for hurting so in such a public way. I am losing patience with this process. I hate that soon an entire year will have been wasted in grief. I hate that there is no end in sight. I hate being told I'm reacting and feeling normally but I still feel miserable. I hate that my family and friends are impatient for me to get over it. I hate that I spent this mornings therapy session crying and crying and nothing my therapist said made me feel any better. Apparently she can't tell me how to feel better - my healing is up to me. I'm afraid I am the least qualified person to get me the point of coming to terms with my son being dead. At the end of the session my therapist said she purposefully did not try to comfort me because she wanted to give me space to express what I was feeling. Throughout the session I was worried that she had joined the ranks of people who can't handle my emotions. I might look for a new therapist soon.
I still hate my life.