Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Monday, August 25, 2008


... except there is nothing to update on. Hubby is still at home; I don't think he even tried to find a place to stay. But I feel kind of bad for him because he talked about how utterly depressed he is. And guess what - he said he thinks about the baby everyday. Yes, the very individual who suggested I control my emotions related to the deadbaby thinks about his son that didn't grow right every single day. Of course I'll give anyone who says they miss their dead child tons of leeway so perhaps he just knows the words to say to not have to pack his bags, but I do believe that he is sad about it still and now I want to help him. How exactly do you help a person who has a hard time admitting they feel down and who refuses to seek psychiatric or psychcological help?

Anyway, that is too big of a problem right now, like Scarlett, I'll think about it tomorrow.

Today was hard. Orientation for new students and I was just dropped into this job a week ago. I feel bad when things are such a disaster and I'm the one who is supposed to be making things nice but I have done all I can do with only 7 days on the job. So there I am exhausted from preparing rooms and catering tables and herding people from location to location; I need a break from the questions that I just don't know the answers to right now. Then the photo of one of our returning PhD students where she is holding her infant twins, my colleague asking which cheeses at the reception are pasteurized and thus safe for her gravid body to consume, and another pregnant student smiling and talking about her little bump ... and I think I'm going to lose it. Pregnant people haven't made me too upset for a week or two so it's frustrating to experience these negative feelings again.

Sorry to be such a downer lately.

I'm going home to watch tv and eat take out Thai food.


debbie said...

First of all, no need to apologize at all. Nobody is supposed to be happy all the time. That's what got you blogging in the first place, right?
Second, no need to be nice to all pregnant people. A new pregnant woman just started in my office, which is crazy b/c her position is only for one year and she already is asking for leave--but that's a whole separate issue--anyway, I have yet to acknowledge her pregnancy. I don't feel like it and have no plans to. It's not your job to make other people happy--you just worry about yourself right now.
I'm glad Hubby is still there and even more glad he opened up to you! I am, however, sorry he's so sad. So here's my other crackpot suggestion. We read Eckhart Tolle together, just laying in bed or sitting on the couch--a few pages a day and talked about it. Like I said, he also read a bunch of glowinthewoods stuff. There are some male bloggers out there you could direct him to. I'll go google some. This is good--I'm feeling hopeful for you both!

Sara said...

Sorry things are hard. I owe you an email; it will be coming soon, if I can get my shit together...

Wabi said...

I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about all of this. You actually sound like you are weathering the marital stuff pretty well, all things considered. To not feel crappy and up in the air now would just mean you weren't really married in your heart to begin with, right?

Thinking of you.