Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, August 7, 2008

The garden today

Hey you! Yes, you, right up front! Why so sad and wilty?

Now for some gardening information: Impatiens will swoon and collapse with only one day of hot sun and dry soil. It turns out they do better with partial shade. Most are able to be revived after a good watering but this one is on day two of looking pathetic so I'm not sure if it's going to make it. A lovely pile of rocks may take up residence in this spot very soon. I don't know why just this one is fainting, it's not like I only water the plants around it.

DH has planned our weekend which includes spending Friday night at a friends house and spending Saturday night in Charlotte. Which means I won't be home to water the flowers for all of Saturday and most of Sunday. Under the hot sun of the South this means I may be replacing all of the impatiens next week.

And this is how agitated I am ... this weekend is supposed to be fun! I used to like getting away but I just feel really resentful that I won't be able to tend the garden for a couple of days.

Being a basket case
Remember how I was having good days? Those were nice.

I hope my therapist enjoyed my cheerful mood last week because in one hour she's going to get bombarded by a whirl wind of confused and angry emotions. For a sneak peak at today's issues:
1. A Walk to Remember is coming up ... I don't want to go alone but I don't think anyone will want to come with me and I don't want to try to enjoy the ceremony with someone who feels uncomfortable being there.
2. The book I just finished (cited below) says that for a completion of grieving assigning some meaning to the loss is necessary. I am rebelliously refusing to find meaning because no lesson or "bigger picture" seems worth how bad I feel about the deadbaby.
3. A friend said that the baby will never be forgotten but will find a place in me to reside where he is cherished. Sometimes I'm pretty upset with the baby for not growing correctly and I'm ashamed by this anger towards him. I have a great deal of love for him but I also feel other emotions towards him, negative emotions.

Off to overwhelm my therapist!


Sara said...

I have many comments!

1. We found our largest [green] tomato half-chewed on the living room floor last night. One of the dogs bit it right off the vine. Sometimes gardening feels like a battle.

2. I'd totally water your plants for you while you're gone and accompany you to the Walk to Remember.

3. I also hate trying to find "meaning" from this whole situation. I believe that shit sometimes just happens, and to try to create some meaning from it to make yourself feel better seems false to me. But maybe there's something to it we're not getting.

4. There is a paragraph or two in Empty Cradle, Broken Heart about how lots of women have felt anger toward their babies for putting them through this. It's ok. I know - not fun, but ok.

5. I hope you get some clarity - or at least a chance to vent - at therapy today.

debbie said...

I don't have much to say except I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know it's completely normal to have so many ups and downs so try not to expect too much from yourself. I guess I also just wanted to let you know I'm reading along and you're not alone. Hoping your weekend in Charlotte is fun and that your plants survive.

Wabi said...

Oh, that's maddening with the flowers. We planted a blood orange tree in honor of our angel baby and I just live in fear of it getting root rot or some other blight. Because, you know, SYMBOLISM.

Perhaps you could pot up that sickly impatien before you go away? Giving it a good drink and a spot inside for the weekend might allow it to pull through.

I'm sorry you're having rough times these days. Hopefully your visit to the therapist and the weekend away will lessen your struggles a tiny bit.

debbie said...

I just wanted to say thank you so much for your thoughtful comments on my blog posts. They are really kind and helpful and more than you know, are making a difference in my life. I especially love the "give love, receive love" mantra!

Reba said...

I think my therapist actually enjoys my "jucier" sessions, especially when I was doing slightly better the week before. She gets this glint in her eyes when I start ranting like a madwoman.

When we went away on our crappy little mini-vacation (with my parents...what a stupid idea) I felt all unsettled about leaving my memory garden, too. Like I would come back and everything would be ruined. Luckily it poured the whole time we were away. It's been a rainy summer.