Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Didn't I just swear not to write midnight blogs?

Sigh. How to begin? This is not going to be a perky post.

As a wedding gift my husband and I received a bottle of sparkling wine. We never drank it. Never toasted privately to our future together. Instead we moved it with us right after the wedding and it has always been in the back of whatever refrigerator in whatever house we are living in. For 11 years now. ELEVEN! As in more than a decade. Eleven - the anniversary we barely even acknowledged last month.

Years ago I figured it would have since soured but we brought it along on our cross country move from West to East and placed it in it's spot in the refrigerator to chill. Chill for what exactly?

Hours ago, after another incident which found me alone tonight - plans to go out with my husband canceled - I finally feel like I can take care of myself and I call him to ask if he will find a friend to stay with so we can do a trial separation. He says "ok".

As a friend of mine said, there are so many bad things in life that happen which are out of our control, so you have to take control to try to obtain happiness when you can. For me, tonight, this means no more acquiescing with a marriage that has unfortunately become very unhappy. Our marriage has gone through very hard times before but with the whole pregnancy disaster my husband and I have grown so far apart. It's very sad. I really need him to decide to be present and participate in a relationship or to go find his happiness somewhere else. I think that being out of the house will give him the space to be able to make up his mind.

Ten minutes ago I opened the bottle of sparkling wine and you know what, it hasn't turned nasty! No fanfare, just me in pajamas taking a break from cleaning the kitchen. The bottle that has remained, saved, ever chilled for the appropriate moment of celebration will be drained tonight and placed outside for recycling pick up this week.

I'm lonely and sad, but I've been lonelier and sadder. Perhaps the most alarming thing about tonight is that this is not my worst moment; I have felt more alone in marriage before.

So tonight I pathetically toast myself. Here's to loving to the best of my capabilities for 11 years. Here's to a future of unknowns, may it not completely suck.


Sara said...

Oh Anna, what a hard thing. I can understand feeling relief at having made this decision. I hope everything works out the absolute best way possible for you. We're here for you.

debbie said...

I'm so sorry. I know you need to do what feels right for you, and I hope that this decision leads you to happiness--one way or another.
For me, when we lost Maya, I was so afraid R & I would grow apart and I didn't want that to happen so we made a promise to share as much as we could. We went to therapy and I asked R to read my blog and to even to read glowinthewoods so he could see posts I was responding to, etc. . . I felt like we could get lost if we didn't share our feelings and it really helped us process together. I don't know if that's something you've tried, or even something you want to do, but I know for us, it opened up a dialogue and helped keep us together.

I'm sorry you feel lonely, but I can understand feeling lonely and content at the same time. I really can. I guess I just want to say to be careful not to rejoice in being alone if what you want is to be alone now, but maybe not in the future. Does that make sense? I hope so. If you need anything, please let me know.

Dulcemija said...

I'm sorry that you are facing a separation . . . I'm really, really sorry.

My thoughts are with you.