Sigh. How to begin? This is not going to be a perky post.
As a wedding gift my husband and I received a bottle of sparkling wine. We never drank it. Never toasted privately to our future together. Instead we moved it with us right after the wedding and it has always been in the back of whatever refrigerator in whatever house we are living in. For 11 years now. ELEVEN! As in more than a decade. Eleven - the anniversary we barely even acknowledged last month.
Years ago I figured it would have since soured but we brought it along on our cross country move from West to East and placed it in it's spot in the refrigerator to chill. Chill for what exactly?
Hours ago, after another incident which found me alone tonight - plans to go out with my husband canceled - I finally feel like I can take care of myself and I call him to ask if he will find a friend to stay with so we can do a trial separation. He says "ok".
As a friend of mine said, there are so many bad things in life that happen which are out of our control, so you have to take control to try to obtain happiness when you can. For me, tonight, this means no more acquiescing with a marriage that has unfortunately become very unhappy. Our marriage has gone through very hard times before but with the whole pregnancy disaster my husband and I have grown so far apart. It's very sad. I really need him to decide to be present and participate in a relationship or to go find his happiness somewhere else. I think that being out of the house will give him the space to be able to make up his mind.
Ten minutes ago I opened the bottle of sparkling wine and you know what, it hasn't turned nasty! No fanfare, just me in pajamas taking a break from cleaning the kitchen. The bottle that has remained, saved, ever chilled for the appropriate moment of celebration will be drained tonight and placed outside for recycling pick up this week.
I'm lonely and sad, but I've been lonelier and sadder. Perhaps the most alarming thing about tonight is that this is not my worst moment; I have felt more alone in marriage before.
So tonight I pathetically toast myself. Here's to loving to the best of my capabilities for 11 years. Here's to a future of unknowns, may it not completely suck.