Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Contains good news!

Funny that I feel like the elephant in the room where 7 week old crying twins just entered (how did that wide stroller fit through the door???). Can everyone circling around the tiny ones tell that I'm the pariah who grew one of those "incompatible with life" things; bone and tissue resembling a human but on the inside very unlike these wiggling, sobbing babies who can eat and pee.

I would be making an exit from the building if I weren't waiting for my annual performance review. Is it going to be hard to present a glowing self review when pre-menstrual (I think anyway, *TMI* still waiting, still spotting, wondering if this is the start of skipping periods due to premature ovarian failure), and after viewing what I don't have?

Today marks a milestone in grieving though because I DO care about the things I've managed to accomplish this year at work along with being concerned about my lousy baby making skilz and my possibly waning fertility. Oh yeah, and my concerns with the chronic numbness that's settled into my extremities and the joint pain in my hands (gotta get tested for new autoimmune diseases again), and my limping marriage complete with a laid-off, depressed husband. I actually am eager to talk about what I've done this year and where I want to take my career!

Marriage stuff
A has been very depressed since receiving his lay off notice in April. He's working at a temporary position but I don't think he's going to relax until he gets a permanent position with pay comparable to before. In fact we can't do anything like have a baby or even get a puppy until he feels comfortable with his employment. In the mean time interacting with him is trying. He's distant and short tempered and he is getting very annoyed with the activities for us to do that I bring home from therapy. In general, I'm a basket case on a good day so dealing with deadbaby emotions and depressed A has had me convinced that divorce was just over the horizon. I've been asking A for weeks what he wants from our marriage or if he wants to stay married at all - no answer.
Last night, emboldened by a bottle of pinot grigio, I asked him to answer one multiple choice question regarding the future of our marriage:

Answer A) I assume that he wants to stay married and that I need to just patiently wait for his depression to lift

Answer B) I need to be concerned about him surprising me in the future with his decision about whether or not he wants to stay married

He said A!!!! I think this is as close to a renewal of vows that I'm going to get!

Then I think I slurred something about in that case I want a birthday present and an anniversary present and I think he said "ok". BTW, the lack of presents is my fault since I decided to ignore my birthday this year and we were busy on our anniversary.

So 15 minutes ago = almost gasping from feeling so freakish around living babies
Now = excited about job and no longer worrying about my marriage

Back to work!


Sara said...

Oh god, isn't life such a roller coaster? You are SOOOO not alone in dealing with a laid-off, depressed husband while also trying to manage your grief.

I'm glad you're feeling better about your relationship and your job!

Things are looking up for us, too, but I'm almost afraid to post about it.

debbie said...

Yay! So happy for you.

Wabi said...

I'm glad you feel some relief. And newborn twins ... yikes. At this stage, you deserve major karma points for not running screaming from the room in that situation!