Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

This is a nice post :)

My local SHARE group is having it's annual candle lighting and tree decorating ceremony. Each of us brings an ornament to decorate a tree that is then donated to a local hospital in remembrance of our babies. It's a really nice night.

So this morning when the snuggle bunny says that he wants me to come back after work and stay another night at his place, I tell him that I need to find an ornament for the meeting. He said that he would help me find one and this evening we went ornament shopping. I had a few ideas of what I was looking for, one of which was a cute ornament that a little boy would be attracted to. Surrounded by ornaments, SB suggests that we find something that Toren would like. HE SAID HIS NAME! SB remembered and used the name of my son! Wow.

My ex, Toren's father, never would have helped me find an ornament and he only said his name one time, that I can remember (when calling the hospital to get Toren's measurements when I was crying over not having found out how big he was).

Anyway, I selected a dinosaur ornament. And I bought two of them and explained to SB that last year I only bought one ornament and once it came down to placing it on the tree I couldn't do it! I need one to share and one to hoard for my son's memory box.

It's so sweet and so complex. I am so lucky to be spending time with such an awesome and thoughtful guy. But why couldn't my husband show some concern for how much I loved our son? Why didn't he love us?

Someday those painful thoughts will not cross my mind and I will simply marvel at displays of kindness.


On another, bitter, note, I have some gossip that is so shameful that I can't tell anyone that I personally know. Anyone need a distraction and want to hear about the "adventures" of people you don't know?


-clevergirl said...

GOSSIP?! Did somebody say gossip?! My ears are always open for gossip!

Bree said...

This is a nice post. I love the whole tree decorating thing and agree that you must also have an identical ornament for yourself. Your SB sounds sweet. I'm glad you have someone that makes you happy. Gossip? Do tell!

Meg said...

First, I'm so glad you have your SB!!!! And he does sound like a good match. I am very happy for you. What a sweet idea about the ornaments. Definitely keep one for Toren's box.

Secondly, GOSSIP!!!! I'd love to hear it :)

Sophie said...

Snuggle Bunny sounds like a great guy. I'm so happy for you.

I think its really hard to deal with people's inadequacies/failures when we meet others that rise to the occasion and surprise us with their sincerity and compassion.

Can we see a pic of the ornament? xx

Hey did you get my pressie yet?

Lachlan's Mum said...

That's just so special. What a wonderful snuggle bunny you've found.

Catherine W said...

That snuggle bunny you've got? He is definitely one of the good souls. I'm so glad.

Would also love to see a picture of Toren's dinosaur ornament.

And the gossip . .yes please! I'm incorrigible. xo

angie said...

Anna, he sounds amazing. A good egg. You deserve it. And yeah, like everyone else, I'm always up for some good gossip. Just wish I could kind of gasp in real life, because email gasps never sound as horrified.

BluebirdSinging said...

SB sounds like a keeper! I am so happy for you that you have someone like him in your life.

The tree decorating ceremony sounds beautiful. I would not have been able to place an ornament if I didn't have one of my own to keep either :)

Distractions are great (I think that they must make up at least half of my blog posts) - do tell!

Sara said...

I know you [intellectually] know that the ex's inadequacies are all about HIM and not at all about you or Toren, but I hope at some point you can come to really accept that in your heart, because it's true.

The new guy sounds awesome. I'm so happy you have someone like him to lean on!

And yes, gossip, please! :)

Reba said...

i love your snuggle bunny!! wow!

KuKd Chick said...

DUDE! Are you kidding? Um, gossip to me is like a piece of bacon-wrapped bacon: irresistible! Do tell!

My Endo Journey said...

Thank you for your comment. I read some of your earlier blog entries and I appreciate you sharing your feelings.

Liam's Mommy said...

I have read your whole blog. It had helped me so much to read it. I can relate to so many things. You are an amazing writer. I am so happy that this is a good post and a good time for you. It is hope! <3 Kari

Akul's mama said...

Thank you for finding me. First and foremost I am so very very sorry for your loss. Every time I meet a baby lost mom, my first reaction is wishing we had no reason to connect...that we both had our babies and were living in blissful innocence thinking that babies never die..this does not happen. In our house it is my husband who is grieving the way you did. My grief gives me space to smile and think about other things for a few hours each day, but his grief consumes him. We just live in silence. Death sits, stands and lies between us. When we first lost Akul a lost baby mom told us, "I am going through a life sentence.." The last nine months have taught me what it is to live a life sentence. Hugsssssssssss....We have to believe the healing will come.