Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Sunday, May 6, 2012

International Bereaved Mothers Day

That this day was created by the incredibly sweet Carly Marie eases a lot of pain about Mother's Day. 

.....

I've been doing something that I don't feel comfortable telling most people about.  Here's how it came about... my sister is adopting a new son and they will be picking him up in Korea sometime this summer; I recently started knitting and crocheting and wanted to make a baby blanket for him.  When I showed SnuggleBunny the yarn he asked if it was for a blanket for the baby we want to conceive.  Suddenly I felt a bit of resentment and hurt because there's no baby of our own to make a blanket for.  I'm not going to sit around with the pain of wanting to make a blanket for my own child so I decided to make one for us first.  Also, it doesn't seem like a good idea to make a blanket for my nephew while having negative feelings about my situation and since I'm new to crocheting (as in I have never made anything yet) it seemed like a good idea to practice before making gifts.

So I'm summoning.  I'm seeking a soul who wants to join our family.  While planning for and working on this blanket I think about what we can offer as parents and where our struggles are.  I tell the Universe that a soul with a good sense of humor, and patience and appreciation for a slightly smothering Mother would fit in well here.  Some soul who needs a lot of love is welcome.  Some soul who can stand a non-luxurious lifestyle, since my fertility is waning faster than my financial stability is returning.

I have no expectation of this working - I'm not demanding, more like inviting.  If there's a child for us I am calling for it; if there is not one then the blanket is for Toren.

When working on it I focus on my love for Toren and for SnuggleBunny and for the love that we all have for our babies, regardless of where they are. 

For the yarn I wanted a washable black cotton that would not stretch completely out of shape.  It must be cotton because I don't care for synthetic fibers and would want my child wrapped up in natural fibers.  It must be washable since babies are messy and if this is going to be more than an item for the memory box it must be usable.  And black because I wear black and it would mean that the blanket was for *my* kid, if that makes any sense.  (The color selection is where the need for a sense of humor is worked in since it is not a "baby" color.  While I wear black, I like children in cute, colorful clothes, but the blanket just has to be this way.)

I searched for about 2 weeks before finding the perfect yarn: black cotton that is washable AND can be machine dried on low.  And one of the ladies at the store where I found the yarn had recently made place mats with the yarn (in different colors) and said it was very easy to work with and didn't stretch out.

I like everything about it and enjoy rolling it up by hand into tight balls



The yarn was not inexpensive.  Sometimes I feel silly making a blanket for a baby that doesn't yet exist (or may never exist) so it's really not a good project to talk about with many people.  But it brings me a lot of comfort and I think I will be able to joyfully make stuff for other people's babies because I got to make something for my own.

Anyway, here's the progress so far.  It is a double crochet stitch using just the back loop to create the ridges.  The pattern is available through Ravelry (I'm AnnaLaFae if you want to be Ravelry friends!)



Here's Sammy kitty working his modeling - so handsome!



Chatter about yarn is happening at my directionless, fun-things blog.  I'm off to work on the blanket.


.....

You are all in my heart today.





3 comments:

waxpop said...

This is so great. Wonderful job!

Jenn said...

I love this. LOVE it. I hope it turns out perfectly. xx

Sophie said...

I love that you're making these colours dark and gothy, they are so you. :) I love crochet. The blanket I made for Jordan and then added to after she died is one of my most treasured pieces. I think this is a great idea and I get what you mean about sending forth a wish to a soul to come... I often feel like that when I am making a goddess for a rainbow. I have plans to make you one, beautiful dark and gothy... Maybe today I will start? Yeah. :)