Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Contemplating the wretched state of the garden the thought pops into my head "I garden about as well as I grow healthy babies".

My therapists and doctors would be so disappointed. After being told repeatedly that one cannot do anything to cause bilateral renal agenesis, deep down I still kind of feel like a failure. And yes, that is therapistS and doctorS. It takes a freaking village of health professionals to get me through not having a baby.

Yesterday I had a check in with my psychiatrist and she scheduled me for an appointment next week also just in case I need to talk to someone while my therapist I usually see on a weekly basis is on vacation. Yesterday I felt a little silly for making the extra appointment but now I'm glad I did.

Just having so many doctors makes me feel a bit down. One, because I find myself in such a bad place that I need this much help. And two, because I know I have so many people/professionals I could call to get me through a mental health emergency but no one has the ANSWER to feeling better. It's like we're all watching and waiting for this distress to dissipate and it just takes so long.

You know, there's just not enough time in the day to be very productive at work, take care of the house, and do all of the other daily tasks while desperately keeping a hold of your sanity post deadbaby.

Yeah, this is a big downer, today is just a difficult day for some reason.

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