Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I'll be everything I'm not

It is very sad that our marriage couldn't help but be as it was. We were both so young and we both came from unpredictable/unsafe households. Neither of us had developed a healthy sense of self yet. Neither one of us could possibly be what each other needed.

Such a long friendship and long, so often unsatisfying, marriage ended so suddenly, irrecoverably, and SILENTLY.

Early in January the ex and I will meet so he can provide an explanation for why he left the relationship so suddenly, without giving an excuse beyond our "incompatibility". Finally some answers are on the horizon.

It's a little nerve-racking. I don't know what he is going to say. My therapist and I are going to prepare for the worst.

The worst case scenario is that this will be his opportunity to vent over a decades worth of frustration with me. And I kind of deserve it; there were countless times when I was a lousy wife - too emotional, too erratic, too depressed. I hate to think back on the "married me", I hate that she existed. My entire existence and personality were limited to reacting to being subtly neglected, demeaned, manipulated, and betrayed. That's all he knows of me.


You know, I'm not one to look for a fucking silver lining but Toren's death was a catalyst, which looks like such a stupid statement written here because how can anybody not crawl out of the hell that is losing a child without becoming a new being? What I mean is that our marriage was not strong enough to survive Toren's death and who knows how long that union would have limped along without that extreme stress. Who knows if it ever would have morphed into the type of relationship I craved had Toren lived.

I want Toren just as always, but I want my marriage less and less the further I get from it. Both losses are simultaneously intertwined and completely distinct. While I will yearn for Toren forever I don't want the circumstances he would've/could've/should've been born into.

It all feels so raw right now.


Chrysalis. In the 13 months since we stopped being a couple I have turned into someone different. Deadbaby, impending divorce, tons of therapy, psychiatric medications, making my own decisions, and thinking, thinking, thinking and I'm no longer "married me". Developing confidence and independent thinking co-exist with the vulnerability of knowing that a whole closet full of shoes can drop on you at any time.

He'll never know who I've turned into.


This song is helping me process what I feel about meeting the ex. I want to be ready to be forever misunderstood by him without becoming overwhelmed with regret, shame, and negative emotions.

Lightning Field by the Sneaker Pimps

Sweet video with a short portion of the song

Full version, live, with Chris Corner perfectly adorable and drool worthy

Strike me down
Give me everything you've got
Strike me down
I'll be everything I'm not
Count the questions on one hand
You don't ask me what I planned
Strike me down
Should have asked me what went wrong
Strike me down
Should have stayed away too long

Strike me down
Give it everything you've got
Chance me now
I'll be everything I'm not
Hope's the child of what luck brings
Points to faith in higher things
Ask me now
Fire at everything at once
Strike me down
Take it any way you want

Strike me down
Better left it all unknown
Strike me down
Should have left it all alone
Wash the questions off my hands
I'm the fate in no one's plans
Strike me down
Give it everything you've got
Strike me down
I'll be everything I'm not


Sophie said...

"He'll never know who I've turned into."

Isn't that frustrating. He will never see your strength, your resiliancey... he wont see how hard you've fought to get to this place and to stay afloat.

Others see it though Anna. Us lot out here and your snugglebunny with you there.

Sara said...

You have come so far, Anna. Amazingly far. I just can't tell you how happy I am about where you are right now. Of course it's not perfect, but when is it? You sound so grounded and more at peace. I hope things continue on this upswing. :)

Anonymous said...

I hope your meeting with the ex will give you some closure and the right answers. It's his loss is what he will see. And you achieved all that by yourself. Well done, fighter. xoxo

Ya Chun said...

well, it sounds like you are in a good and strong place now to give him the time to see what he has to say. IT might be worthwhile; it might be bull crap, but I think whatever he spouts you can handle.

And I am glad you can see the difference in yourself - and know that the progress has been for the better.

Meg said...

Whatever he says, you know the truth: he left because of HIM. I'm glad you're rid of him and can really live now. I hope it goes well for you, but don't buy into his crap. And he doesn't deserve to know this new you. That's for you and Toren and your snugglebunny.

Catherine W said...

I hope that meeting up with your ex brings you some peace.

'Developing confidence and independent thinking co-exist with the vulnerability of knowing that a whole closet full of shoes can drop on you at any time.'

I would like to be this woman too. She sounds amazing.

It is sad that he may never really know who you've turned into but I don't think he deserves to. xo

CLC said...

You really have come so far. It's like reading a different person's blog from a year ago. I am so happy for you that you are in a different place and are feeling good about yourself.

janis said...

My fav female author say,s "The best revenge is to live better, be better."
Not that you need revenge. You are GREAT. It is inside, you just need to let it shine through, you just need to allow her to step out. ((hugs))

Quiet Dreams said...

I know that my marriage could not have survived a baby's death. It couldn't even survive infertility.

I can't imagine having lost a baby, but it really resonates with me when you talked about having a marriage that would have just limped along.