Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Prelude to a donut

Earlier this evening I bought a box of tampons and a box of gluten-free cinnamon donuts, so that explains today's sensitive mood.  Sigh.  It's hard to completely push aside the thoughts that not only is a baby not on the horizon, I'm still preventing pregnancy.  Cycling on and on.  Eggs dwindling.  Scary thoughts of missing my chance on top of surging hormones.  But you gotta just get through the day and act like you feel great because there's no room for on-going grief at the office.

Today I created a flyer for work and I thought it was so good!  I spent time making it beautiful and informative and was certain that my bosses would love it and be happy with my work.  They had so many suggestions for changes that it would turn into something completely different.  They hated it.  I almost cried right there.  It's crushing to be so wrong about something.


On Monday prego-colleague asked about yoga classes since I was reading Yoga Journal.  She doesn't like yoga but may try it again anyway.  I offered to let her borrow my prenatal yoga DVD but since she didn't seem excited about it I'm not going to dig it out.  "Dig" is pretty literal in this sense.  First the paper recycling bin must be moved, then the garden cart and some large tools.  Then the little door will be revealed and the clasps on either side have to be released so the door may be lifted away.  Inside this little cubby of the garage is left over paint, Christmas decorations, and childhood memorabilia.  This is also where everything pregnancy related was thrown in November of 2007.  The DVD should be in there but there are also books, clothes, and small, pure white onesies, among things I have forgotten about, that will have to be touched and moved until the DVD is found.  It seems wrong to touch these things since I'm not expecting a baby.  The trip down memory lane to find that DVD would be way more painful for me than any amount of enjoyment that p-c would get from using the video so fuck it. 

Anyway, it's from my time with Toren.  P-c would never know that I only did the video one or two times before the 6 weeks bleeding and restriction from unnecessary activity started.  She would not think to ask about how I liked the video since as a women with a deadbaby I was never "really" pregnant.  It's like pregnancies ending in live birth are real but pregnancies ending in death were just a silly dream.  Babies born alive are real babies while those that die were never meant to be anyway so one can't be that sad about it.


Back in November of 2007, with heart and soul writing in pain, I truly believed that the grief would ease and I'd return back to "normal" around the start of the new year.  I was very wrong about that.

This path of grief has been a difficult journey.  So dark, damp and lonely.  Frightening cliffs.  Step after step towards the rainbow ahead that seems to remain out of reach.  I'm proud that I kept working through my grief and I'm happy to no longer be consumed by it.  But some days it seems impossible that I still miss that tiny boy.  After nearly 3 years why do I still think of Toren a hundred times a day?

My love for Toren has not diminished over time.  The pain of living without him is so acute some days.


It's time for me to snuggle into bed with the donuts.  Goodnight!


cgd said...

There is something so dismissive about a lost baby. I agree its like your pregnancy never happened or didn't matter. I have people tell me that it was a blessing that my baby was never born, like if he was born then he really could have died. Idiots. I am sure this time brings up a lot for you. My suggestion on the pregnancy stuff, that stuff that you have now that is for Toren. The next pregnancy gets all new stuff. That is what I am planning to do, it helps me to not think of the next baby like a replacement baby.
Sending love your way.

AnnaMarie said...

cgd, people who say that a dead baby is a blessing make me so mad - what a stupid and hurtful thing to say!

Thank you for the idea of keeping the things from Toren's pregnancy as his mementos. That feels so comfortable and it really doesn't matter if those items are never used again because they don't take up a lot of room and they are from a very special period of time.

Lisette said...

((HUGS)) I would get so angry when people would tell me grief gets easier because it's a lie. I am 8 months into this, some days are ok and other's not so much but regardless the pain is still there. I have just learned to live with it, how sad is that? Sad that just have to learn to live like that, so unfair! I hate it.
I hate how people "forget" we were once pregnant. UUGHHH!!!
I decided to give away the things I had for my daughter. I actually gave them to Kristin from Going good in her name. For me it made me feel so much better knowing that because of my daughter someone was smiling. Wishing and praying for rainbows for you and I. Lately so many blog moms have been announcing their pregnacy's and I am so happy for them but I want to be able to share that news too. Same for you! Thinking of you.

Quiet Dreams said...

It is a totally different experience, but what you said about how dead-baby pregnancies don't "count" struck a chord with me about marriages that end in divorce...but I have to think about it a bit more.

Ah, biology. It never lets us forget, does it?

Ya Chun said...

I still get those really acute days too.

This path sucks.