I've avoided saying anything for a while because each start doesn't lead to what I'm trying to say...
after a bottle of wine (wince) what I'm trying to say is this: My sister sent a message on Saturday, after bringing her 1 year old son home from Korea the Wednesday before: the baby won't sleep, but daytimes are fun. It takes my sister and her husband to keep up with the little boy. It sounds hard, like a big adjustment for sure, but...
but what circles through my mind, on a current of wine, is: she brought a baby home from Korea. How improbable is that?! My baby boy was tucked safe inside my uterus, he was so very close that I could almost reach him, and he didn't live to come home, yet her son was halfway around the world and he made it home.
I could do it too! I swear I could take care of a baby and the little one would know they were loved beyond the ends of what they could imagine.
Where is my son?
He is further than Korea. And I would go any distance to get to him.
I understand that I needed this degree of trauma for my marriage to dissolve - my husband and I were joined so tightly in dysfunction that only a dead child could come between us - and I love my new boyfriend - but sometimes I think that I would sit through a dark hell for ages if only I could be with Toren. What I would give to know that he is safe, wherever he is.
What I would give to not have time to drink a bottle of wine. It's not a choice I have, but knowing what I know now about relationships, what would I choose between keeping Toren (and staying with my lying ex - holy shit, I can't stand the thought of him) or finding a healthy, romantic relationship? It's a good thing that a choice is not an option because I would do anything to avoid the pain of living without my son. I love my new boyfriend, and I'm so glad to no longer be with my husband, but I would live through anything to know that Toren was safe. I would forgo personal growth to watch my son grow up.
I imagine this is a tiny glimpse of what other mothers feel when they have a much loved child who never would have been born if the prior one had survived. I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE BACK MY CURRENT LIFE however, along with that comes a pain that will never end. This is not a situation where a choice has to be made, but I still feel guilty for not knowing that I would give up my son to have a happily-ever-after with my boyfriend.
Since holding my dead child I think that happily ever after is not an option.
Simultaneously, I am so happy to be here and I hate my life.
Fuck all of the people who said that I was young and would have another baby. Fuck those who didn't realize that Toren was a precious human being who was unique and could not be replaced. Fuck those who think that I'm ok while I smile through every day.
At the nail salon tiday I watched, fascinated, as a mother gave her young daughter a choice of nail color then didn't approve of the silver glitter polish her daughter selected. The mother probably saw me watching and judging her on the color that her daughter picked out, when really I was thinking that I would let my kid (girl or boy) select any color they wanted.
It's been almost 3 years, and this hurts so bad still that I don't understand how I get through each day.