Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

How it is

I've avoided saying anything for a while because each start doesn't lead to what I'm trying to say...

after a bottle of wine (wince) what I'm trying to say is this: My sister sent a message on Saturday, after bringing her 1 year old son home from Korea the Wednesday before: the baby won't sleep, but daytimes are fun.  It takes my sister and her husband to keep up with the little boy.  It sounds hard, like a big adjustment for sure, but...

but what circles through my mind, on a current of wine, is: she brought a baby home from Korea.  How improbable is that?!  My baby boy was tucked safe inside my uterus, he was so very close that I could almost reach him, and he didn't live to come home, yet her son was halfway around the world and he made it home.

I could do it too!  I swear I could take care of a baby and the little one would know they were loved beyond the ends of what they could imagine.

Where is my son?

He is further than Korea.  And I would go any distance to get to him.

I understand that I needed this degree of trauma for my marriage to dissolve - my husband and I were joined so tightly in dysfunction that only a dead child could come between us - and I love my new boyfriend - but sometimes I think that I would sit through a dark hell for ages if only I could be with Toren.  What I would give to know that he is safe, wherever he is.

What I would give to not have time to drink a bottle of wine.  It's not a choice I have, but knowing what I know now about relationships, what would I choose between keeping Toren (and staying with my lying ex - holy shit, I can't stand the thought of him) or finding a healthy, romantic relationship?  It's a good thing that a choice is not an option because I would do anything to avoid the pain of living without my son.  I love my new boyfriend, and I'm so glad to no longer be with my husband, but I would live through anything to know that Toren was safe.  I would forgo personal growth to watch my son grow up.

I imagine this is a tiny glimpse of what other mothers feel when they have a much loved child who never would have been born if the prior one had survived.  I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE BACK MY CURRENT LIFE however, along with that comes a pain that will never end.  This is not a situation where a choice has to be made, but I still feel guilty for not knowing that I would give up my son to have a happily-ever-after with my boyfriend.

Since holding my dead child I think that happily ever after is not an option.

Simultaneously, I am so happy to be here and I hate my life.

Fuck all of the people who said that I was young and would have another baby.  Fuck those who didn't realize that Toren was a precious human being who was unique and could not be replaced.  Fuck those who think that I'm ok while I smile through every day.

At the nail salon tiday I watched, fascinated, as a mother gave her young daughter a choice of nail color then didn't approve of the silver glitter polish her daughter selected.  The mother probably saw me watching and judging her on the color that her daughter picked out, when really I was thinking that I would let my kid (girl or boy) select any color they wanted.

It's been almost 3 years, and this hurts so bad still that I don't understand how I get through each day.


Jenn said...

((hugs)) I wish I knew how to make it all easier. But since I don't, I'll just tell you I'm right there with you - wishing I didn't have the time to drink the wine I've been drinking so much of lately. I'm sorry people are so dense that they don't get that a child is a unique person - they are not replaceable little things. I sometimes have to remind myself that those folks have probably never had to actually think that thought out and that's why they say such foolish things. Also, totally get the happy/sad at the same time bit, the wishing life was different but knowing the current (sometimes really good) incarnation of things wouldn't exist. Okay, closing out now, this comment is far too long already.

cgd said...

I have been worried about and wondering if you were ok. I like to think that there is a world where you would be able to find your boyfriend without Torren's death making that possible, that you and your ex would have separated with Torren still living. I think that things like "your still young" are what people say to make themself feel better but does little to comfort you. I am so sorry you are hurting and I know we would both walk to ends of the earth if it meant that our baby boys could be safe and healthy.
Thinking of you today and always.

Kristin said...

{{{Hugs}}} I wish I could make it better. All I can do is tell you about my friend. 16 years ago, she lost her son Adam at 34 weeks to an abruption. It took a very long time but it doesn't hurt every minute of every day anymore. The big milestones are a bitch and then there are the random days when something triggers the longing. She has a good life now.

Quiet Dreams said...

I wish I had some words ...abiding with you as best I can.

Reba said...

Does it make it any easier to hear that we suffer that guilt too? The guilt is unbearable sometimes. I would never, ever wish for that life back. Is that horrible to know? I think it's ok. In fact, I think it's good to feel that way. But it is still awful too.

Happily ever after is an option. It was for me and it is for you.

butterflymom said...

All I can say is that I'm right there with you. My marriage is going through it's own drama...and I wouldn't have seen it all coming without the loss of my baby. And although I believe I'm headed in the right path, I would also go through anything just have Kennedy here with me. I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. Hugs to you and know I'm thinking of you.

Ya Chun said...

Of curse you'd rather have Toren here.

And who knows what would have happened to your marriage if Toren had made it here safely. My guess is, it may have taken longer, but it would still have blown apart with the stress of having a baby and your new focus on him instead of the ex.

I'm sorry you are having a rough day. Just know that it is ok to appreciate the good in your life now. Taking caare of yourself honors Toren's memory.

Meg said...

wishing there was something i could do to help.

Anonymous said...

"I understand that I needed this degree of trauma for my marriage to dissolve - my husband and I were joined so tightly in dysfunction that only a dead child could come between us"

Sigh. Yes. I often wonder what would've happened if Sky lived. I hope (and guess) we would have split up anyway... sooner or later. Sometimes I'm glad he didn't have to hear us fight more than he already had in utero...

Those "what ifs" are hard to life with.

Thinking about you...

Sophie said...

Yep. Fuck em all.

I know you'd give anything to have Toren with you. I'd do anything to have a healthy Jordan with me too. Only it cannot be and we know that. The joy, the pain, the guilt... will always be there I think.

"Since holding my dead child I think that happily ever after is not an option." I have felt like this so often. It doesn't matter how good the rest of my life is, it will never be a fairytale. Happiness now is not the same as it used to be.


Curls O Fred said...

Sending ((hugs)) and wishing I had something more to write. My brain is mush. Much love.